Sister Wives ended its fifth season Sunday night with the requisite "Browns Tell All" episode where the Browns a) tell nothing and b) are forced to confront clips of themselves behaving like maniacs, which they then explain in the most abstract way possible.

The most egregious of these clips is above, featuring Kody, Patriarch of the Brown clan and profound blowhard, having a wildly uncomfortable "heart to heart" with 17-year-old daughter Mykelti's boyfriend of about a week.

Coming out of the clip Kody was like, "I gotta defend myself" and I thought yes, please, apologize for letting the word "science" pass out of your mouth, but instead he rolled into a self-congratulatory speech about how dads watching would envy his foresight in laying down the law with their daughters, because obviously dads are always looking for traumatizing ways to hobble their daughter's sexuality.

But when he started in on "we live in a world of train wreck relationships" I got genuinely confused. In his view, people who kiss might then break up... and get their hearts broken. And that's a train wreck?

Dude, all of your wives are heartbroken, all the time, in every episode of this show ever. We got the tape. Forget pre-marital kissing heartbreak, your polygamous marriage handles human hearts like a kitchen-sink garbage disposal.

You've got poor Christine, medicated to the gills for her unrelenting depression. Janelle has spent her adult life supporting Kody and first wife Meri, her arch-nemesis. Meri drank the Kool-Aid so long ago all that's left to her is Keith Urban fantasies, morphing into a tan panda bear, and keeping an eye out for wife number five. Robyn...well, Robyn's the Devil, as long time viewers know. She eats human pain, and your family is her personal all-you-can-eat buffet.

Just because TLC has legitimized this circus with a paycheck and none of you chuckleheads has found the wherewithal to hop the gravy train doesn't mean you're not trapped in the most painful, destructive relationship/s ever caught on camera.

Mykelti, in a later interview segment, said she plans to never marry. She'd rather stay single and just adopt kids. I wonder why.

[ Video via TLC]

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