[There was a video here]
Occasionally, one might make the mental note that the Real Housewives franchise is vaguely Shakespearean, and then file that note away under "Don't tell anyone I thought that." Who but the Bard, however, could adequately capture Kenya's feelings regarding accusations of whoredom?
Yes, in an interview on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kenya Moore actually busted out with, "Good name, my dear lord, is the immediate jewel of the soul. He who filches from my good name, robs me of that which not enriches him but makes me poor indeed. Shakespeare. Learn it." DID YOU NOT DIE?????? Okay, first of all, leave it to Kenya to smugly quote FUCKING IAGO, a character who has been called "an accurate portrait of a psychopath." (Thanks, Wikipedia!) Additionally, the full context of this quote includes the line, "Who steals my purse steals trash," which ALSO probably is applicable to this situation.
Let the history books show that this is the exact moment in which Kenya officially won me over, on account of being ENJOYABLY crazy, finally. If at some point this season she tells Porsha to get to a nunnery, I am in for LIFE.
So, yes, this Kenya and Apollo thing. Kenya's aunt Lori wants her to forgive all the other ladies, and especially Porsha, for such crimes as physically attacking her at last year's reunion (in Porsha's case) and calling her a ho for the past two years (in Porsha plus everybody else's case). Kenya is not so sure about this, even though word is spreading that she DOES, in fact, close her legs to married men, given Apollo's admission that he lied about Kenya making advances to him.
For her part, Phaedra is surprised (though in a resigned kind of way, likely because she was already given this news off-camera and ALSO because she appears to be bone-weary) when Kandi tells her that Apollo admitted to lying. Phaedra wonders why he would have put her under that stress when she was eight months pregnant with Dylan, not to mention now. If it's true, she says, she owes Kenya an apology. Quoth Phaedra, "This is beyond…excuse me Jesus…fuckery. This is fuckation. New word. Oh that's terrible. Poor Kenya." First off, for a minute I thought she said "fuckotash," which seems more appropriate for a southern belle. And also I'm not buying the unconvincing "poor Kenya" AT ALL.
Meanwhile, this is what Porsha looks like when hearing juicy gossip:
Porsha tells Nene about the Apollo situation, and Nene is very clear that she, personally, has no plans to apologize to Kenya, since she never called Kenya a ho. Because, and I quote, "I don't know whether she's a ho or not. But she done been around the block now." I am still waiting for Nene's tag line, "Why be so nasty and so rude—when I can be so fierce and so successful?" to kick in. Nene and Porsha also have some choice words about Cynthia, who for her part thinks that Porsha has taken residence in the penthouse in Nene's butt that she recently vacated.
Porsha invites Cynthia to meet up and hash things out, just so she can get some bonus camera time. Cynthia shows up looking like she's in the cast of Newsies, Porsha shows up an hour late. They instantly start insulting each other, and then talk over each other for a while, and overall this whole thing does NOT go very well. Cynthia has not taken kindly to Porsha calling her a flip flopper and busts out in an interview with, "Oh I'm a flip flopper? Word on the street is you're over there flip flopping with some old married man for cars and bags. Flip flop on that." Cynthia! Remember when she was so nice and kind, and her giant ET finger just instinctively stayed on its side of the table?
Porsha says that Cynthia is a mean old lady and ALSO like a five year old on menopause, which, leave it to Porsha. In the end the two women kiiiiind of agree to keep their names out of each others' mouths, I think, though since no legal documents are signed I have doubts about how long that pact will last.
We also get a more thorough introduction to new cast member Claudia Jordan, who is "a model, host, Miss USA contestant, and comedian." She was on Celebrity Apprentice, Deal or No Deal, and The Price Is Right, the latter of which made her "huge in the old folks homes and prisons." Claudia likes to consider herself a lovable asshole, so she'll probably fit right in with most of this cast. She's single, which I'm sure has nothing to do with an anecdote that begins, "One time my tooth came out in bed. What? Your tooth never came out in sex?" FYI, she put it on the nightstand and kept going. And, I quote, "So from now on he's probably telling people that he fucked the tooth out of me." Obviously I kind of love her already, just for that. Porsha has some choice thoughts about Claudia, however, which we will hear all about in future episodes.
Elsewhere, we get superfluous footage of Kandi and Todd half naked in bed and surrounded by Kandi Koated sex toys. She wants a baby, he notes that his job might take him out of town more than she would like. Things get even more awkward when Todd's daughter, Kayla, comes to live with them in Atlanta. Kandi's daughter, Riley, is NOT PLEASED about this situation. To be a teenager and have to appear on a Real Housewives show must be hell, though, so I'm going to cut her some slack. And not for nothing, but she IS a blood relative of Mama Joyce, so it was inevitable that the stank would cut through at some point.
And finally, Apollo meets with Randy Kessler, previously known to us as Nene's divorce lawyer. Apollo is trying to figure out what his options are if Phaedra files for divorce, though he already seems to know that the answer is "work at McDonald's." Apollo is VERY concerned about his financial situation when he comes out of prison seven years from now, and Randy suggests going through all of his and Phaedra's assets and figuring out who contributed what. Apollo, perhaps also quoting Shakespeare, tells us, "Truthfully, you know, I love my wife. I despise everything about her, but I still love her." I mean, wow.
For her part, I think Phaedra is telling Ayden and Dylan that this giraffe pool float is their new dad.
Next time: Nene says she'll never be friends with Cynthia again and, God willing, Kenya googles more Shakespeare quotes.