Meet Kacy Catanzaro, the world's most important athlete, who on last night's American Ninja Warrior Dallas Finals climbed on and jumped over things as well as any man!

If you'd like to know how much Kacy weighs, trust me that's the first thing you will hear about. In every article and video discussing this unique and important victory for the fairer ninja warrior sex, the question on everybody's mind is, "How tight she keep it?" The answer is very.

If you'd like to know how tall the things she climbs on are, compared to Kacy, the answer is: Up to three times as tall! Three times five is fifteen, which is how tall one of the things the five-foot Kacy climbed on is.

If you'd like to know how many people have ever won this game show, I think it is zero. (But in a way, they are all winners.)

Good on you, Kacy Catanzaro. In the real world you may only make 76 cents on the dollar, but here on this adult jungle gym you have given us 110 percent of your ninja power. We'll call it a push.

[Video via NBC]

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