Heather Dubrow, puppy mill enthusiast, works awfully hard to convince us that she's not evil, she just has allergies. Nice try, Cruella! But then it is also her particular genius that we see the precious, fluffy, pedigreed objects of our scorn scamping about and, well… maybe puppy mills aren't so bad after all.
AHHHH, THOSE LITTLE FACES!! In any case, the decision to get dogs rests largely in the fact that the Dubrows are now in a rental home, which according to Heather is the perfect environment in which to potty train a pet. And I mean…Heather IS kind of a bitch, right? But then she also delivers this gem: "As a mother of four, I have been dealing in feces for a decade. So now that Colette's out of diapers, it seems like the right time to now get a dog." I just love anyone who uses the word "feces" in context, basically.
Heather pays a lot of lip service to how much she and Terry both believe in getting a rescue dog from the shelter, but of COURSE they have to have a hypoallergenic dog because allergies blah blah blah. And I have this internal debate where I go back and forth on whether Terry Dubrow is okay or a total creeper, but I love him in this episode when he calls Heather out on her shit, correctly pegging her idea to make a donation to an animal shelter as a "guilt relief gesture." Heather is VERY offended, even though Terry does not seem to give a shit about the fact that she wants a GoldenYorMaltiPooHuahua or whatever.
The Dubrow kids are SO excited and adorable as they hyperventilate waiting for the puppies to come. And…you can get puppies delivered to your house, like a pizza? I really need to be richer.
And you know what? The Dubrows actually just seem like a lovely family. They come across as happy and sweet and very loving, even if they do watch the same violent episode of Hawaii Five-O repeatedly and have puppy mill dogs. I know this season is trying to convince me that Heather is the worst, but I think I can finally say that I officially like her. Sorry, Shannon.
Ugh, so Shannon. I just went on for three sentences about how cute the Dubrows are to delay the pain of recounting Shannon and David's serious Mexican talk, also known as the happy family counterpoint. Things look up briefly as Vicki Gunvalson, marriage counselor extraordinaire, encourages the Beadors to relax and they board her fun bus from the dreaded dinner of "Maybe next time you can make me not look like a bitch" to a venue called Andales, with intentions to whoop it up. Shannon admires Vicki and Brooks grossly making out in public, then says she's not embarrassed about the fight with David. You get over it and move on, she says. OR you get over it by getting divorced, which seems a more likely path in this case.
Shannon proves her ability to have fun by getting up on a bar with Vicki and doing the Elaine Dance, which Vicki assures us Heather would NEVER do.
So the next time you're in Puerto Vallarta and want to see 50-year old ladies shaking their boobs on a bartop, you know where to go!
After some horseback riding, (which involves Vicki leading the group in a rousing chorus of "Home on the Range") Vicki arranges for David and Shannon to have a romantic private lunch. Their version of a romantic private lunch involves talking about the dissolution of their marriage, basically.
Shannon admits that she complains all the time, and says that the events of the past week have taken a toll on her security in their relationship. By "events of the past week" I believe she means his email stating that he wanted a divorce, which, yeah, that would do it.
Then they talk about this tequila thing, which is so weird. Basically, David has taken a liking to drinking tequila, which then makes him be kind of gross, like at Heather's rodeo when he was all, "Ride it hard! Spread those legs!" when other ladies were riding a mechanical bull. Shannon doesn't care for him in such a state (and/or she prefers it when he's her designated driver), but he's basically like, "Fuck that, tequila is the only thing in my miserable life that makes me happy!" He says, "And it's really not your choice to tell me what do I enjoy." So we can add a poor command of the English language to his faults. Team Shannon!
Of course at the bottom of everything, Shannon feels like she and David are like roommates who don't talk or spend any time together. And I mean, there's no way this guy isn't banging someone else, right? Still, he says the words every woman wants to hear: "Honestly, I'm tired of hearing the fact that you want to spend more time with me." What do you say to that, marriage counselor Vicki Gunvalson?
Though Shannon says she wants to be his partner, standing by his side, David doesn't see action and it angers him. He says, in a way that I find rather heartbreaking, "I don't wanna waste my life anymore. We're getting older, I'm fucking done wasting my life. I want to be fucking happy. That's all I want…I want to come home and feel loved, that's it." And that's all she wants too! But THEN Shannon says, "I don't believe that you love me. I don't." Ugh, the horrors of this scene! Everyone who had miserable parents thanks you for the PTSD flashbacks, Bravo!
Anyway, David wants to stop living an unhappy life, which Shannon interprets as wanting a divorce. But…he doesn't? I guess? David tells her that he's not unhappy every day, which I guess is something (even if the not-unhappiness probably takes place on days when he's with his mistress). Shannon says she too wants to be happy, and wants to be happy with David. And THEN David gets real RuPaul on her and says, "You need to be happy with yourself." Can I get an amen up in here? David says he can't live this way anymore. Shannon, in her head, hears, "I'm not happy with you Shannon." Well, in fact this is what he's saying, so for once the voices in her head are aligned with reality.
So anyway, will these two please just go to couples counseling? With or without noted marriage therapist Vicki Gunvalson? They make an awkward pact to "forgive" and "heal" which I guess will take time. And therapy. Lots of therapy.
Anyway, what a relief to now think about Tamra and her stupid robot baby! No wonder Tamra is desperate for a storyline when the only other thing she has going on is puckered floors at Cut Fitness. Anyway, it turns out that Tamra and Eddie were terrible robot parents, and also Eddie is very sure that he doesn't want children. Tamra accepts this, though she says her dream was to have a baby with Eddie. I think her dream should be to regulate her Botox in such a manner that she's able to 1) cry; 2) speak without slurring; 3) have a facial expression.
To ease her pain about the issue, Eddie offers to be breast fed, because it's contractually required that everybody on this show be gross.
In other news, Lizzie tries to get her frilly bikinis into some bikini shop.
Can someone explain to me HOW Lizzie made it to full Housewife status? The one enjoyable thing about her is that you can make Vicki Gunvalson sleeping noises every time she's on screen.
Before leaving Mexico, Shannon and David have one final dinner with Vicki and Brooks, in which they talk a lot about Tamra's fundamental untrustworthiness. Brooks feels Shannon's pain, and we are reminded that at one point Tamra called him a fucking evil asshole. Which is true, right?
So at least she's (sometimes/mostly) not a liar. Back in the OC, Vicki meets with Tamra to talk about her blabbing of Shannon's marriage drama. Tamra knows what she did was wrong, but also thinks it was bad form for Heather to go further blabbing it all over town. Vicki thinks that both ladies are shitty in this situation, noting, "This is clearly malicious behavior by two women." What a shocking development on the Real Housewives franchise! In the end, Vicki delivers a stern admonishment not to gossip, and tells Tamra to call her next time she wants to do something stupid. And…when does crazy irrational yelling Vicki come back? I like her better, I think.
Next time: Shannon is maybe actually having a psychotic break. Whee!
[Images via Bravo]
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