It is not only appropriate but necessary that before heading to a collective all-girls honeymoon/anniversary celebration in Bali, The Real Housewives of Orange County would discuss whose back door is open for business. And which of them is amenable "when she's drunk," according to her partner?
Duh, of course it's Tamra. And do you not think that Heather Dubrow rues the day when, in preparation for a Valentine's Day party at the St. Regis, she had her assistant write "saucy" questions on cards and hang them from a decorative tree? When Heather flipped through the pages of a research book on saucy questions and asked aloud, "Do you know what a Dirty Sanchez is? A Dutch Oven?" was she not forewarned?
Because when, at said Valentine's Day party, that random Danielle lady chose a card that asked "What is your freak factor?" and appeared puzzled, it was left to Tamra Barney to shout out, in her typically eloquent way, "Like, do you do anal?" Danielle may not, but as for Tamra: "When she's drunk," said Eddie nonchalantly, followed by, "Sometimes in the ear." In the ear equals freak number 30, I think.
And all this led to Terry Dubrow yelling, "NO SHIT! You guys do ANAL?" in the private party room of the St. Regis, and then recounting the following tidbit: "We call the anal thing the dolphin…You're having sex from behind, and you try to put it into the butt and the girl goes, 'Eh eh.' That's the dolphin." And Heather was like, "Oh, ha ha," but you know she beat him with an expensive handbag when they got home.
Other things happened too, but mostly they paled in comparison to Dr. Dubrow's talk of dolphins. It was Lizzie's birthday, and because she is so great at throwing parties, she thought she'd invite all the ladies out for a birthday dinner. Heather was off seeing Britney Spears in Vegas for her own birthday and so couldn't attend, and Lizzie figured that would mean less drama all around.
And so Lizzie and Christian popped some pink champagne and sat in their stripper-pole party bus waiting for others to arrive. First Shannon called, saying that she had to cancel because she was sick, and then Tamra called to cancel because her daughter was sick. Why didn't anyone call earlier, wondered Lizzie? It's because they couldn't give two shits about Lizzie, quite frankly.
And neither could Vicki but she showed up anyway, with Brooks in tow. And their intimate dinner with Lizzie and Christian (which also apparently featured that odious Danielle character, though we never actually saw her) gave everybody an opportunity to talk about what a shady liar Tamra is. Vicki dropped the following: "And yes, Terry told Tamra 'I'm gonna take down the Beadors.'" And this has got to get more attention sometime soon, right?
After Lizzie expounded upon how much she likes Brooks despite his bad rap, Vicki got to shit upon Tamra some more, stating that though they've been through a lot of the Woes of Life together, Tamra set the relationship between Briana and Brooks back several light years. Then everyone did a fist bump for Lizzie's worst birthday ever, and for some reason Vicki thinks a fist bump is called a "thumb pust." (Thumb pust? She did say thumb pust, right?) And all this led Brooks to say, "I get to do that to you. Thumb pust," because he can't let someone say a nice thing about him without reminding the universe that he is the grossest. THANK GOD he and Vicki were not there for the Valentine's Anal Summit.
And you know, Lizzie actually seems like she'd be a fine person to hang out with for an afternoon (except for those outfits…why must she always look like a stripper bride?) but she has a lot to learn about being a Real Housewife. Because why on earth would she "let go" of the fact that she overheard Vicki, upon approaching her party bus, say, "I can't believe I have to hang out with dumb and dumber?" This is no environment for bygones and emotional maturity!
But Lizzie seems satisfied in the knowledge that Vicki is "very loose with her mouth" (and thank goodness Brooks didn't get an opportunity to editorialize on THAT), and instead very mildly goes after Tamra at the Valentine's Day party. Vicki told Lizzie that Tamra just didn't want to go to her birthday, and upon hearing that accusation Tamra is all, "No, seriously, my daughter was sick," and Lizzie says she should have called earlier and that's the end of it. Your fellow first-year housewife almost had an ambulance take her out of a party. Step it up, Kentucky.
In other news, Tamra and Heather "spontaneously" "decide" to go to Bali. Tamra and Eddie never had a proper honeymoon and never travel anymore because he's so focused on their business. Heather's 15th wedding anniversary is coming up too, and Terry is also too busy to do anything with her (unless it's the "amenable dolphin"). They invite Vicki, Lizzie, and the odious Danielle to come along, and then Vicki tells them that they need to invite Shannon. Tamra and Heather exchange looks because, as Heather says, "I just don't want to travel to the other side of the world…to be yelled at." GTFO, Heather Dubrow.
At the Valentine's Anal Summit, the ladies share news of their impending trip. Tamra agrees to carry Heather over the threshold, which Terry never did, and Heather agrees to spoon Tamra. Eddie dubs the whole thing a lesbian honeymoon, and Tamra of course yells that she's on top. Heather gets reluctant points from me for busting out with, "She's short, she's a spinner." In non-sex talk, Terry asks the ladies what they'll do if Shannon breaks. Lizzie thinks that she definitely will, but maybe it will facilitate some sort of spiritual cleansing and be a good thing overall. And I can't help but love Eddie, who quietly says, "I mean, we all have issues," as everyone ignores him. He just wants to eschew struggle and strife in favor of a simple, peaceful life, with his chest-baring shirts and fitness classes and occasional ear sex with his wife. Boy, did he marry into the wrong coven.
Speaking of Shannon, what's she been doing all this time, you may wonder? Oh, you know, just packing bags of vitamins and compression socks and homeopathic jet lag remedies for David and their daughter Sophie, who are going to Europe for ten days. Sophie is SO sweet and patient with her and even suggests that she writes a book called Shannon Beador's Method for Traveling, which Shannon knows nobody would buy but will probably write anyway. If she calls it Homeolicious it might stand a chance.
In these scenes and the one where she's at dinner with David saying things like, "David, ever since I've known you, you request a starch at every meal," and worrying that his love of potatoes will be handed down to their daughters, Shannon is just normal-weird and not "woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown" weird, and the overall dullness is frankly a relief. We get a glimpse of the family traveling to the airport, and Shannon smiles mischievously as she tells daughter Adeline that she can throw up in Sophie's jacket if she feels sick. And that sounds weird but I actually thought it was funny? And then, after the dropoff, Shannon gets a tear as one of the girls cries and says that she misses David. Whatever adjustments her doctors have made to her medication seem to be working okay, is all I'm saying.
This trend extends to a sit-down dinner/peace summit attended by Heather, Tamra, Vicki and Shannon. The idea is to see if Shannon can safely be invited to Bali. Though Heather goes down some annoying actressy road about discovering Hinduism and how she and Shannon's relationship will continue to be reincarnated until they reach salvation (I'm guessing that Vicki is Shiva in this equation?), Shannon remains totally calm.
She's never been on a girls trip before, and though she acknowledges that she's been hurt by these ladies she's ready to take the olive branch and believes there's hope for them to have a functional relationship. I for one am guessing that she's going to pack suitcases full of vitamins and "natural remedies for relaxation" to get her through it.
Next time: Well, I for one can't wait to see what contextual factors surround Tamra saying to Vicki: "You're just jealous because Brooks wants to fuck me."
[Images via Bravo]
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