As if Balinese elephants have not suffered enough indignity by having to haul around screaming white ladies on their backs! And being forced to play harmonicas—poorly!—while doing so! Now they must face Tamra Judge shrieking, "Look he's got his lipstick out! Oh my God that is the biggest wiener I've ever seen!" Somewhere, Eddie is deeply offended.
And I mean, in fairness…that was some pretty sizable elephant dick. But to quote the very tasteful and classy Vicki Gunvalson, "My idea of a good vacation is never an elephant wiener. Ever." Tamra apparently disagrees, and wonders if she'll slide all the way around the elephant's back and hit his wiener. And then, if she's drunk enough…well, you know.
Anyway, yes, the Real Housewives of Orange County are in Bali for their peaceful, spiritual, cleansing vacation. Shannon's packing strategy hinges around this statement: "Oh you know what? All my muumuus are here, that's key. We need to get the muumuus," and also giant bags of herbs and supplements that somehow made it through customs.
Lizzie prepares by ranting to her husband Christian not about Vicki, who "did call me dumb and dumber, but that was at the beginning of the night," but about Tamra, who apparently texted Danielle to make fun of Lizzie's birthday dress. Which, in fairness, was quite horrible. While Lizzie goes on about how she doesn't want to start any drama with Tamra but still Tamra better watch out, Christian just sits there silently, like, eating Cheez-Its.
His right to silence is perhaps well-earned, given the flashback we see of Lizzie, shitfaced and crying in her birthday bus after her horrible party, slurring, "Next year I'll be 35 and if my husband does not produce a good birthday, I will probably leave him." And THEN as he heads toward the front of the party bus she yells out, in front of Danielle and the cameras, "Christian, why don't you get a boner once a week? Fuck you." The relief that Lizzie and Christian felt upon that clip not making it into last week's episode must have only exacerbated the horror at seeing it as a superfluous flashback now, eh?
So, the appropriate thought to have when the RHOC ladies are heading to Bali is, "Poor Bali." They arrive with their 25 pieces of luggage, and then Vicki yells at their van driver, and Tamra says she didn't know Bali was like Tijuana, and then their reaction to anything remotely having to do with this country is screaming. So much screaming, you guys. And Vicki literally pukes all over the back of a van and everyone thinks a stray dog is going to give them rabies, and if it HAD given them rabies that dog certainly would deserve to be venerated as a national hero.
Though since foaming at the mouth seems to be the natural state of many of these women, maybe it wouldn't even make much difference?
There is one initial dinner where Heather makes everyone wear Balinese crowns and Vicki tortures a waiter about whether prawn mousse is actually made of shrimp or moose, but at that point everyone is simply too tired from their flight to create drama, so it's a wash.
The next day the ladies spend some relaxing time on the water. While Lizzie and Danielle discuss whether it's wiser to go after Vicki for her "dumb and dumber" comment or Tamra for texting insults (deservedly but rudely) about Lizzie's birthday ensemble, Shannon and Vicki decide to go sea kayaking. As she gets in the boat, Shannon, holding some sort of giant glass full of vodka per usual, says, "I don't have a drink holder." In this moment, my hopes and dreams that they'd get lost at sea roared to life! Alas, they merely capsize, which is amusing, but not the kind of acute emergency situation I was hoping for.
After Shannon has a cocktail to settle her nerves, it's time for elephant riding. Aside from the elephant-dong ogling and harassment as mentioned above, elephant riding gives the ladies time to contemplate the quiet wonder of some of our planet's most majestic creatures, to ruminate upon their relative wealth and privilege in the context of so much suffering throughout the world, and to really take the opportunity to experience the present moment fully and with gratitude. Psych! No, of course they just recount their same boring grievances with one another.
In particular, Lizzie tells Shannon all about her horrible birthday, and how Tamra called so late to cancel and it pissed her off, and then the lack of an apology and also zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. And speaking of Vicki, she's mostly just screaming some more about feeling like a weeble-wobble.
And then it's time for a more rested dinner, which gives Vicki the opportunity to torture another poor hotel waiter. Apparently it's quite hot in Bali, and Vicki wants to go skinnydipping. Quoth Tamra, "If Vicki takes her clothes off and we all get arrested, I'm gonna kill her in prison. I'm gonna shank her. With my toothbrush." Vicki asks the waiter if they'll get arrested if she takes her clothes off, and instead of just saying YES and calling the authorities, he is quite polite but clearly traumatized inside.
Eventually Tamra tells Danielle it's good luck if her butt itches (??????), which gives Danielle the strength to call out Vicki on the dumb and dumber comment. In response, Vicki looks at Danielle and says, "You're dumb," then looks at Lizzie and says, "And you're dumber." Instead of definitively ending this argument with that decisive victory, Vicki then yells, "I didn't call you dumb and dumber to your face!" Okay: 1) THAT'S your defense?; 2) You totally just did! Just now!
Lizzie of course really wants to talk about Tamra texting fun of her dress to Danielle. She's also still mad that Tamra bailed at the last minute, and didn't even take the time to follow up with a kind birthday message. And then Tamra points out that they in fact texted many times that night, and Lizzie herself joked about her dress showing her vagina, and then Tamra whips out her phone for evidence and there is in fact a text train featuring the word "bagina" multiple times.
Which is proof of…something. And then Lizzie interviews that she just wants people to apologize when they hurt feelings, saying, "Just be human. Be normal." Which she must realize by now is a dream deferred when talking about Vicki and Tamra.
When Lizzie says she's over it, Heather whispers, "I don't think you're over it," and Tamra literally tells her to stop talking.
While the veteran cast members head in to bed, Shannon, Lizzie and Danielle stay outside. Lizzie says she's starting to understand Shannon's certainty that Tamra is a vile human. She then adds more evidence to the pile, saying that Tamra told the entire group above David's email to Shannon (with flashback evidence supporting this claim), and that Tamra also says that Shannon needs an exorcism, has green martians around her head, and is full of shit. Tamra also does impersonations of Shannon, which I personally can't believe we haven't seen yet! Please, editors? Lizzie says that additionally, Tamra shit talks everybody and is basically just a horrorshow of humanity. Shannon is basically like, "….Yep."
But there is more to this Lizzie/Tamra feud, and it centers around a game of Shag-Marry-Kill played at Heather's Valentine's Day Anal Summit. And HOW do we not have evidence of this on camera? This is a question that we all will ask repeatedly throughout this incident. It MUST exist somewhere. So, according to Lizzie, during the game it was determined that Tamra and Christian would sleep together, while Eddie said he'd marry Lizzie. And then when she was outside, says Lizzie, she made a joke about Tamra being mad at her because Eddie wanted to marry her, and Tamra got really funny about it.
This might be because Tamra, who is having cocktails in bed with Vicki, experienced the incident a bit differently.
She says that Eddie said he'd shag Lizzie (and marry Heather, which she doesn't seem to mind). Outside waiting for their limos, says Tamra, Lizzie was being rude and said to her, "You're just being a bitch because your husband wants to fuck me." And this is where Tamra asks Vicki how she'd feel if she said, "You're just jealous because Brooks wants to fuck me," which of course means the previews from last week got us all turnt up over nothing!
Next week: Everybody hates Tamra, and the words, "I don't want to get gang banged by a bunch of monkeys" are uttered!
[Images via Bravo]
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