Not only is Aviva back in this week's Real Housewives of New York, but she's brought her lecherous father George to regale dinner guests with tales of penis poking, waxed balls and ceiling mirrors. I think we can all be glad that pure, sweet, innocent, gay Millou was not alive to witness this!
But before we get to that, we must endure Kristen. She fills in LuAnn and Heather about her one-on-one with Ramona and actually says, "She was drinking out of a WINE GLASS. I'm not gonna lie, I was a little nervous." Girl, please. First of all, when have you ever seen Ramona NOT holding a wine glass? Kristen asks if Ramona has ever thrown a wine glass at someone's face before, and Lu has to think about it for a good long time before saying, "Not that I recall." That is the "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" of Housewives violence for sure. After learning that Kristen called her a monster, Heather and Lu go through Ramona's many nicknames: Singer Stinger, Pinot-Polar, Ramonacoasater. " LuAnn does NOT let us forget that "Crazy Eyes" should be tops on that list.
This nicknaming frenzy is interrupted by Sonja, who calls to invite the ladies to a memorial service for her beloved dog, Millou. Millou's ashes have been sitting on Sonja's mantle for a year, and she thinks it's time to move on. "We're all gonna be wearing black and say a few words about him," says Sonja. "You know Millou. They broke the mold with that dog." Her former interns, who knew and loved Millou, come over to plan the service and we get a rather touching Millou montage. Quoth Sonja, "He deserves the best funeral any dog ever had. Even better than Princess Di's."
And before we go further, I should clarify that if you're looking for someone to mock Sonja's doggie funeral, you have come to the wrong recap! When my beloved manx cat, Miss Itty, died, I had Miss Itty Memorial Mugs made for all my friends and family. Because she touched so many lives! The only problem I see with Millou's funeral is that it should have had a brass band and second line. Kristen of course scoffs about a dog funeral and ALSO says she doesn't like dogs, which I take as further evidence that she can't be trusted.
Speaking of Kristen, creepy husband Josh brings her to meet with his friend, branding expert Marci Freedman. Josh a) references Kristen's cameltoe on the way there; b) TOTALLY checks out Marci as she hugs Kristen hello.
He is such a vile human, for real. It turns out Kristen is auditioning for an exercise video, which is apparently a more dignified career move than going to Milwaukee. We also have a brief interlude with Carole, who placed an ad on Twitter for an assistant. Ramona has kindly offered up her office for the interviews, so prospective applicants can gaze upon the various posters and cardboard cut-outs of Ramona herself holding wine bottles, tacky jewelry and overpriced face creams for inspiration as they answer questions on their thoughts about wire hangers.
And then we spend some time with Sonja and her spiritual healer, a woman whose main job qualification seems to be that she gave birth to twins at 57 years of age. ("Who decides to have twins at 57 years old? Mind over matter!" says Sonja.) (!!!!!!!) In the midst of being drummed over, having giant Christmas lights shone upon her, and transferring Millou's life force from the ashes urn to her heart, Sonja comes to a few revelations. She needs to let go not only of Millou, but of the era he represented—primarily, the early, happy days with her ex-husband. Sonja talks about this era being full of highs, and I found it legitimately heartbreaking when she triumphed over sobs to choke out the words, "I have to believe that I'll have…new highs." I think we can all hope that new dog Marley, even though he's probably sick of being unfavorably compared to Millou, can step up during this acute time of need!
Meanwhile…OH NO, AVIVA IS BACK. She hosts a dinner party including Sonja, Harry and, quite randomly, Steve Madden's wife. (THAT poor lady.) Of course the real guest of honor is Aviva's creepazoid father, George (called "the erection bandit" by Sonja after the time his needle dick poked her unannounced) and his gorgeous 25-year-old girlfriend, Cody. And if George weren't the human version of a depraved California raisin, he and Sonja might have actually made a go at it. They have a LOT in common, is all I'm saying.
It turns out that George met Cody when he came to her salon to have his scrotum waxed. (Aviva is never more relatable than when exclaiming: "Dad, really? Do you have to talk about your BALLS at dinner?") The group discusses how George likes Cody's elaborate nails on his penis, which gives George the opportunity to ask, "Sonja….you want to see what poked you?" And seriously…if this were my dad I would ship him off to Shady Pines so fast. He is the worst! Though I WOULD probably give my first born to see a spin-off wherein he and Momma Joyce go on a romantic road trip.
Anyway, George has been dating Cody for two and a half years, though this is Aviva's first time meeting her. (Even Cody had been starting to refer to herself as George's "little black secret." What a great relationship they must have.) Everyone seems to take the unlikely pairing in stride (after Sonja asks aloud why Cody is spending her precious time on this miscreant), and then after some talk about mirrors on the ceiling (including Reid awkwardly offering that he had one when he was 16), George proposes to Cody. I seriously wish there was some way that viewers could vote in real time for a minor character to be dragged off the screen via a giant hook.
Sonja issues George demerits for presenting the ring still in the gift bag, but Cody says yes anyway. (And why would you NOT want to give your life to a zillion year old man who says to his daughter on camera, ""And…when you are going down on a woman, the woman is looking now at the mirror, and this head is at the apex of her thighs, you know? It's fantastic?") Everyone seems cool with the engagement, and then Aviva's leg gives out. (Sonja: "The leg broke again! Get her up!")
Oh God, and then the OTHER worst thing happens. Kristen got the exercise video job, and for some nonsensical reason they're filming it in her apartment. This gives fucking Josh the opportunity to hang around like the cretin that he is and heckle her. First he asks the exercise instructor, "How long before you an get her pooch off?" In turn I ask, how long before someone can fix your stupid face?
And seriously. How did this human equivalent of George's pokey needle-dick end up landing a model wife? (Who incidentally has NO POOCH! A fact that has enraged me all over again!) Kristen notes that Josh can't sit through a half-hour therapy session with their daughter without taking fifteen calls, but seems to have PLENTY of time in the middle of the day to stand there and give her shit while she's WORKING. What a lowlife. If she doesn't divorce him soon, I think we actually need to bring in the Atlanta Housewives for an intervention.
As a palate cleanser, we get a nice little dinner with Ramona, Sonja and Aviva. Sonja goes in with the intent to confront Ramona about being a crappy friend and a master manipulator, but in the end just can't stay mad at her. Sonja says, "Men come and go, but Singer will be there." And really, it's true. Ramona agrees not to come between Sonja and her boy toys, and gives her a triple-balled restaurant owner as a peace offering. I am SO thrilled that our nation's collective crazy drunk aunts are back on good terms!
And then it's time for Millou's fabulous funeral—an event so momentous that we get three extra episode minutes to do it justice. It takes place at the site of Sonja's first New York apartment, and thank God she didn't think to do a caberlesque number. Everyone shows up in their most fabulous mourning gear, and Sonja has a giant photo of Millou with a tennis ball. Of her choice she notes, "I mean, even though he was very gay, I did the macho picture."
It turns out that Millou also had a history of transvestism, and was a venerable forefather in the gay dog community. Even Carole and Avvia can set aside their differences to respect this fact.
Sonja gives everyone champagne before the funeral starts, because why not? (Although Heather yelling, "The repast is supposed to happen after!" almost made me fall off my couch.) She worked very hard on Millou's eulogy, which includes the lines, "He was happy to go wherever with me, whether it was the laundry room, the powder room, Saint-Tropez." As she cries, Heather notes that this isn't really about Millou at all, but about Sonja growing and moving forward in her life. She's putting the past to bed, in one little puppy package. Lu and Carole DO give questionable looks as Sonja says, "He'll always be inside me," and "There will never be a dog who can fill his paws," but overall I'd say the eulogy was a great success. The spreading of the ashes is a bit more complicated, as an ill-timed swift wind blows Millou all over the sidewalk and on Sonja's Valentino dress. ("It's all over me. I wore this to Prince Rainier's funeral!")
Or maybe Millou just wasn't quite ready to let go. Either way, rest in peace, fluffy little buddy, and try to pull a few heavenly strings for your mistress every once in a while.
Next time: Ramona and George, OH NO!
[Image via Bravo]
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