In a strictly clinical sense, it is very difficult to determine for certain which of Aviva, Sonja and Ramona is the most bonkers. Happily, the first installment of the Real Housewives of New York reunion provides us with additional evidence involving the Bible, Grey Gardens, and inhalers, as well as other notable highlights!
New Boobs, Old Boob: During introductions, Andy Cohen noted Kristen's new boobs, which were pushed forth for the world to admire. She proudly said, "Anniversary present." As if that wasn't gross enough, when called out by a viewer on her execrable tagline ("I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed…but I'm pretty!") Kristen defended it by saying it's a joke between her and execrable husband Josh, adding, "It's something we've said about me for a very long time." So that's lots better. Carole eventually said that Kristen wasn't the dullest tool in the shed either, which I guess is a compliment? And don't even get me started about the "blowjob barter system."
A Pinot of Biblical Proportions: Speaking of tag lines, a viewer noted that despite her protestations, Ramona's tag line ("Get the pinot ready, 'cause it's Turtle Time!") basically confirms that she's an alcoholic. Quoth Ramona: "Well actually Turtle Time, which everyone keeps asking me because they don't know, it means having fun. And listen, who doesn't like to have a glass of wine with their dinner, or hang out with the girls, or your friends…You know, wine's been around for centuries, since the Bible. I love my wine, I admit it." It would be SO like Jesus to turn water into Ramona Pinot Grigio.
Ramona's Romances: So Ramona didn't actually date Fabio, but he was apparently after her quite fiercely, judging by the way he flirted at the gym. Ramona DID, however, date Nick Gregory, that guy with whom LuAnn set up Carole, and was engaged to Carole's first dermatologist. She broke it off, though, since "he was too self-consumed." And how are things with Mario, you may ask? We'll get to that in Reunion Part II (under great protestation).
LuMann, Reconsidered: Thank goodness Sonja and Ramona got the opportunity to explain the ever-so-mysterious origins of the nickname "LuMann." Quoth Sonja: "And I call you LuMann because when you perform you're so tall, and you always have a headdress (!!!!!!!)…and you have the big girl syndrome, and you have a very deep voice. It's eeeeeeasy for me to call you LuMann." Quoth Ramona: "It was just, we were at a place where there were a lot of gays and drag queens, and I thought that's what you were initially." (!!!!!!!) The Countess takes it in stride, but you bet your sweet bippy she files a mental note for later.
STFU, Revisited: Remember that time that Aviva told Kristen to shut the fuck up in front of their kids? Why did she do that? Let's let Aviva explain: "The reason that I wanted you to, you know, shut the fuck up–and I hope that all the children at home are not in the room–is because I just wanted you to shut the fuck up." I actually think that's very legit. At the mention of children at home Sonja interjects, "This is an adult program," which, thank goodness SOMEONE involved with the Bravo network is looking out for our nation's youth!
Liquid on Liquid: An astute viewer notes that Ramona accused lecherous old perv George of assaulting her last year when he grabbed her arm, so what does she call busting open Kristen's lip with a glass? Quoth Ramona: "Well, first of all, I tossed a liquid when she was in a liquid." Because REALLY it all comes back to the blow dry! And second, Ramona says, the wine glass was made of PLASTIC ("hard, cured plastic," clarifies Heather). Ramona admits she was in the wrong, while ALSO interrupting anyone who deigns to call the glass a glass. When Heather asks what she wants to call it, Ramona says, "The plastic wine-shaped glass." Which still has the word "glass" in it, so you see her predicament.
Sonja's Facialist: When talk turns to Sonja's gossipy facialist, LuAnn quickly dismisses rumors that she likes to dominate short French men in the bedroom by saying that both Jacques and the Count are tall. (The takeaway for me here is that she likes to dominate TALL French men in the bedroom, which: props.) Things get a little complicated with Carole, though. First she points out that Sonja "did that dingbat kind of coy giggle" when reacting to rumors about her and Russ. And although she says she didn't believe that Russ fooled around with Sonja, eventually Carole goes, "But you know, I don't know, shit happens," which I take to mean that it was within her range of possibilities.
When Aviva pipes in to say that Carole and Russ had an open relationship (which they didn't), everyone laughs and tells her to shut up, which quickly becomes a trend.
George, the Human Pustule: How satisfying was it to hear Andy Cohen say aloud, "The viewers responded very negatively towards George"? Even the permanently inappropriate Ramona says she can never be in George's presence again after what he said he'd do to her in her coffin. (I can't believe I just had to type those words.) Aviva agrees that George is embarrassing, vulgar and inappropriate, and is terrible and offensive to her friends. But, she says, she can't control it. Everyone else notes that having his engagement party at the Museum of Sex (and I would add, having him on this freaking show in the first place) just needles him on, but if it weren't for that or her removable leg she wouldn't have a storyline so she's basically like, "Eh."
Moderate to Severe Bullshit: So for those of you counting, here's the tally: No one believes that Aviva's asthma prevented her from going to Montana. Everyone knows that a person without asthma can take a puff from an asthma inhaler without incident other than jitters. Heather believes that Aviva has asthma, minus the "severe" part of "moderate to severe." Carole can't believe that Heather believes that Aviva has asthma (and drops a well-timed, "Oh my God, she's such a bitch," in Aviva's direction). LuAnn believes that Aviva was "too ill to come" on their trip, but in the head instead of the lungs. And Sonja believes that the next girls' trip should be to Dubai, where the altitude is perfect and she knows all the royalty. You know things are too heated for viewer consumption when even Ramona yells at everyone to stop shouting.
Hush, Hush, Sweet Sonja: My love for Sonja has been well-documented in these pages, and I will defend her through any accusations of delusion and also evidence of delusions (usually by saying, "But she's so funny! I just love her! She's my spirit animal!" or something of the like when she talks about good friend P. Diddy coming on her non-existent yacht). But even I have to take a minute when it comes to talk of her…"businesses." There's something about living off of her investments, starting with her modeling money at age 14 ("I never heard she was a model," mutters LuAnn). And something about meeting J.P. Morgan when she was doing real estate deals ("I thought she was the hostess at San Pietro?" mutters Carole). Heather may have 40 employees, says Sonja, but she herself has "many more than 40 employees" ("The only staff I've ever seen that you have is interns that work for free," says Heather in a loud voice) (Lawyers "are not your employees," says LuAnn also in a loud voice). Sonja also clarifies that being a "lifestyle expert" essentially means being a house flipper ("I think she's flipping out," cackles LuAnn).
There is one business in particular that Sonja MUST pursue, and it can be found at the end of this statement: "I get hundreds of emails all the time, people saying they would like me to do a cream, they would like me to do a jewelry, they would like me to do a wine out of a can." If Sonja's Caberlesque Sauvignon (in a can!) becomes a thing, we all owe her abundance candle a debt of gratitude.
A Staunch Character: Did you not die a thousand deaths of joy and also concernings when Andy noted to Sonja that viewers think, "…you have a little Grey Gardens in you"? OH NO BUT THEN THIS HAPPENED:
Sonja: "If you want to say Grey Gardens, I love that, because you know what? Edie Beale and her mom, they were charming, talented, sensitive…"
Lu(M)Ann: "They were mentally ill."
My notes literally say, "OH SHIT. WHOSE SIDE AM I ON?" And all this gets to the feud between Sonja and LuAnn, which I thought was all bullcrap for the cameras but maybe is not! Lu says that Sonja's changed a lot since her first season on the show, and that it's gone to her head. Ramona throws skyscraper shade as she whispers to Sonja, "Just don't answer. She's jealous you're on the show and she's not." Lu says Sonja is a liar, Sonja says Lu is a bully, I say the whole situation is causing me acute heartbreak and I will not get a peaceful night's rest until they are friends again!
Also, This Exchange Nearly Killed Me:
Sonja: "…You know what, bottom line, every dream I had as a little girl has come true for me. And when young people that I mentor come to me homeless, children, LGBT…"
Next week: Andy pumps Ramona for information about Mario, then reads her to filth.
[ Images via Bravo]
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