Because a rehash of hashtag-bookgate isn't dramatic enough on its own merits, Aviva Drescher has the nerve to sully the fine reputation of To Kill a Mockingbird writer-girl Harper Lee by claiming that Truman Capote was her ghostwriter. Somewhere in Alabama, Ms. Lee ripped off her prosthetic leg and threw it at the TV.
Quoth Andy Cohen: "I don't think Harper Lee, who's gonna be watching this reunion, is going to be happy to hear that you're accusing her of having a [ghostwriter]." And you KNOW that these women are working Andy Cohen's last nerve when, only a few minutes into hashtag-bookgate discussion, he turns to Carole of all people and snaps, "HOLD ON. I'm going to you NEXT." In the words of Andy himself, "We are back in the loony bin with the Real Housewives of New York," and there are plenty of other highlights from reunion part II, including LOTS of Ramona getting pissed!
#bookgate: While we're on the topic, Carole still feels that to be accused of using a ghostwriter is a phenomenal insult to a professional writer. Aviva still maintains that it takes a village—NOT including a ghostwriter in her own case (or so she claims)—to write a book. Carole calls Aviva weird, and Aviva says the words, "Use your vocabulary, writer girl." Writer girl!!! Ramona and Sonja snuggle and plan to have Ramona's friend rescue them from this conversation using his private plane.
Aviva tries to get the last word by pulling out not an x-ray, but a metaphor: "If you don't want somebody to ask you if you had your boobs done, don't ask them if they had theirs done. Period, end of story." But it is writer-girl Carole who wins by saying, "Not all Housewife fights are created equal. She didn't fuck up my blow dry, she didn't call me bossy, she didn't hook up with my ex-boyfriend." Also, when even Ramona is telling you not to repeat nasty rumors, you know you're a real asshole.
Donde está Pickles?: It turns out that Pickles, called a "permatern" because she's been with Sonja for three years, is off to Europe for the summer. And yes, I just said three years! Sonja's interns tend to stay for long periods of time not because they've been imprisoned in her ramshackle mansion, but because they love her. And also because, Sonja says, it takes a long time to train them. For example, "One semester they could be learning just to use the Mac and how to schedule. That is a challenge in itself." So let's just say they may not be coming from the most rigorous of learning environments? Which is an assumption you may already have since they get college credit for holding Sonja's purse.
The Berkshires: So, Ramona said some really nasty things about this lovely area of the country, which is allegedly inhabited by people who can't afford the Hamptons (unlike Andy Cohen who, Ramona points out emphatically, lives in the Hamptons). A viewer calls her on how rude it was to ask if Heather's house was the garage, though then it turns out that Heather's house IS actually the "pool house," so I can sort of see where Ramona was coming from. I know, I can't believe I just said that.
Ramona is also sticking to her story about being traumatized by mudpie flashbacks in the woods, though as Carole says, "That was three states and over 50 years ago." LuAnn adds, "There are trees in the Hamptons, too," because part II of the reunion is when you officially read Ramona to filth.
Saratoga: The ladies all confirm that no one felt bad flaunting their winnings in front of a bankrupt lady, which provides Sonja the opportunity to say that she's NOT in fact bankrupt, and that, "Everyone knows I'm fine, that I can cover the $7 million." I DIDN'T know that, and am delighted to hear it. Andy Cohen wins by turning to Sonja and saying, "Sonja…you were…as shitfaced as I've seen you on TV that night." The "on TV" is telling, no? There is additional debate about whether Sonja was abandoned at the track or wandered off, which is settled decisively by Lu saying, "You tiptoed through the tulips, baby, let's call it like it is." And that is a euphemism that I am adopting immediately.
That Don't Impress Me Much: There is some talk about rappelling in Montana, and while Carole rubs her eyes and boo-hoos to openly mock Kristen, Kristen emphasizes that it really was some scary shit. She was also disappointed to discover that when you got all the way down the rock, there was only dirt and no hot dog stand. She admits that a small part of her wanted to prove something to Heather, which everyone agrees is sad. Heather adds that she has always supported Kristen, "Because you're special!" Which maybe doesn't help matters.
Interns International: There is some more back and forth between LuAnn and Sonja about their flailing friendship, which is worth it because it leads to Sonja saying (regarding why she didn't tweet news of LuAnn's fashion collection): "A homeless girl in Ireland who works for me, she was waiting for me to approve a blog." Quoth Andy (and all of humanity), "A homeless girl in Ireland is tweeting for you?" Let's allow Sonja to clarify: "A young girl who lost her home in Ireland, who is an SEO expert…and it's nothing to laugh about…she said she would like to do a blog for me on my fashion sense." When Sonja acknowledges that she doesn't read her emails, Andy shades, "She's got a homeless girl in India doing that."
Take a Xanax, Calm Down: So, Ramona is NOT going to talk about Mario, other than to say they're together and flash a tense, fake smile. And she's NOT going to talk about what she's learned from going through hard times. And she's NOT going to garner the victory she thought she would when she started this exchange:
Ramona [to Andy]: So, how's your love life? Who you gonna have sex with tonight? Tell me?
Andy: I'll tell you when I go on a reality show with whoever I'm having sex with.
Ramona: Well you're on a reality show right here, baby.
Andy: I'm actually not, honey.
And she's NOT going to enjoy it when Lu calls her out (with flashback support) for claiming that she cheated on the Count, and then is "sympathetic" to how difficult it is to have your other half cheat on you. "It's allegations," says Ramona repeatedly. "It was true," says Lu once, definitively. When Ramona asks if she was in the bedroom and saw it, Lu says, "No Ramona, but…everybody knows it. Everybody knows it here. IT HAPPENED." Dang!
Ramona diplomatically responds that LuAnn tries to fuck all of Sonja's boyfriends behind her back, then says to Andy, "I WANT THIS CLOSED DOWN, OKAY? STOP IT, ANDY."
Ramona's final word on the matter is this very cogent statement: "I'm my own person. I am a great person. I have my life, I have myself, and whatever it will be will be, and I don't want to discuss this, okay? NEXT PACKAGE!" Before moving on, though, all of the other women are clear that Ramona's personal difficulties do not excuse her chronic shitty behavior.
Other shitty relationships: Kristen says that shooting the show was the best thing for her and Josh, because they got to see how horrible they are together. They're working on it. Yay? Lu tells us that she and Jacques are still friends, and talk all the time. But when they were living together they got on each others' nerves, and it wasn't going anywhere. Kudos to Mary Ann from Ohio who asks, "LuAnn, now that you and Jacques have broken up, can you objectively see that he was stealing your hairstyle?
LuAnn is dating lots, so try to get in there while you can, boys.
Other punishments: Look, for the last time, LuAnn did NOT leave Carole's party alone with Harry. They left in a group of folks including Heather. And yes, it was shitty that Harry left Sonja. But NO, ("GOD NO," says The Countess) nothing happened between them, even though Harry wished it had. "Of course he wished it had," says Lu, "He still calls me today." He calls EVERYONE today, argues Ramona, which is yet another reason Harry makes a bad boyfriend.
Let's give The Countess the last word, shall we?: Upon being asked how she feels about Ramona repeatedly attacking her relationship with The Count while bragging about her own marriage, LuAnn says, "Ramona's done some pretty hurtful things to me, and I think karma's a bitch."
Next week: We learn how Sonja is able to forgive people. Spoiler: It's because she's a Christian!