Sometimes it happens that you are having a rather bad Tuesday, and are tired, and need a little something to, as Kris Kristofferson says, help you make it through the night. And then Sonja Morgan gives a real-time play-by-play of her early morning hungover yoga farts, and just like that your joie de vivre is restored.
New York has always been my favorite of the Housewives franchise. It's the first one that I watched, and I think the women are collectively smarter (Kelly Killoren Bensimon excepted), more interesting (Cindy Barshop excepted), and weirder (Alex McCord excepted….just kidding! She was the weirdest of all!) than the ladies of the other cities. And, I mean: Turtle Time! Scary Island! Take a Xanax! You can't beat it.
This season has been rather magical, and the enchanting opening segment of the show is a good example of why. First of all, the ladies aren't even fighting! They're just chill and weird and thoroughly entertaining! We're still in the Berkshires, and while Kristen is up and at 'em, everyone else is completely hungover. Sonja is of course the best, lounging in bed with crazy hair and linger-ee and leaking diamonds all over the sheets. She's sad to have learned that Ramona is a master manipulator, but Heather tells her that knowledge is power. In response, Sonja goes back to bed.
When Sonja does eventually get up, she sees LuAnn and says, "Oh God, her face is banged up….Jesus." It bears repeating: Sonja is an utter delight! LuAnn tells us that, mirror mirror on the wall, she might not be the most banged up of all, and the evidence on that front is compelling. I will add that LuAnn has also been a delight as of late. She's reveling in being a shit-stirrer, as when she reminds the others that at dinner (when they weren't talking about how Sonja tried to bang Carole) they decided not to get mad at Ramona, but to get even. You know, with a loving intervention!
But first it's yoga time! Showing a spectacular lack of foresight, the ladies scheduled 9:00 a.m. yoga with instructor Patrick McBride. All of the sun salutations in the world have not prepared him for this. First, Sonja stumbles out into the yard (still in her linger-ee) and mentions that last night Lu was whipping her with a leash on the lawn. HOW DO WE NOT HAVE FOOTAGE OF THAT? JESUS, BRAVO! Eventually Sonja changes and tries to drink coffee while in plank pose, and also Carole does a flip.
And THEN, you guys. Sonja's farts. She sees fit to give an unfiltered narrative of her internal rumblings, starting with: "The gas is coming back…Nobody should come over here, the grass is dying already." Lu suggests having a mimosa, which is not the world's worst idea. Finally, Sonja just lies on the grass, saying, "I've mastered the silent but deadly one." I mean, that shit's just funny. The group finally gets into a peaceful corpse pose, though when they hear a plane overhead they assume it's Ramona about to drop a literal bomb on them. Those are good instincts.
Then we're back in New York City! Carole's burgeoning friendship with LuAnn is never more satisfying than when she asks for Lu's help with an article she has to write on manners. And if you're having a manners emergency, LuAnn is THERE for you, motherfuckers. The article is about gift-giving, a subject in which LuAnn has considerable expertise. Here's what we learned. Candles or wine make a great hostess gift, but NOT flowers unless you bring them in vase. Also, if you're dating a guy for a couple weeks and you HAVEN'T had sex, give him a book for his birthday. If you HAVE had sex, try a massage or cologne or the Kama Sutra. There are so many more options when you have had sex with the dude! Thanks, Lu!
And then it's Ramonavention Time! Which is NOT going to be as fun as Turtle Time for a certain blow-dry aficionado. Kristen is not in attendance, which is for the best. But the glee with which the other women are approaching the intervention is infectious, and they wisely plot to trap Ramona in the middle of a round booth so she can't escape. (Lu: "I chose to sit to the right of Ramona, because I'm like a linebacker from the 49ers. There was no way she was getting up.") Carole is wearing formal shorts and Heather has on a pink pearlescent evening gown and Sonja shows up in a skin tight denim jumpsuit, so you KNOW shit is about to get cray.
Once Ramona arrives, Lu wastes no time in mentioning the Hamptons, turning to Ramona, and asking, "How was Molly Sims' party?" BUS. TED. This is all before anyone even thinks about ordering an appetizer. Ramona denies she left the Berkshires to go to the party, and we learn that Sonja is mostly mad that Ramona didn't take her along: "I've seen that fight or flight response. But not a 'Let me get out of here and go to a Hamptons party and not take Sonja' response."
The others are peeved that Ramona wasn't honest about why she left (e.g., she blew them off for a party and lied about it). Ramona points out that she was honest about not wanting to go to the Berkshires in the first place, and to her (dubious) credit, we did see her complain about the trip incessantly, both before and during her stay. Ramona insists that she had a panic attack in the woods and her tears were real, and screw them for not getting it. Things then devolve into chaos, though in the middle of it all time stands still for a moment as Carole calmly asks, "Who is Molly Sims?"
And THEN talk turns to chucking-a-glass-at-Kristen's-face-gate. Ramona says that she had a knee-jerk reaction, and to illustrate this she hits her own elbow repeatedly and flaps her arm around a bunch. So, elbow jerk? Anyway, she feels terrible about it. Ramona then goes full-tailspin and tries to leave, but LuAnn totally will not let her get out of the booth! Those broad shoulders come in handy, man. Everyone else in this restaurant is basically like, what in the everloving fuck is happening. Then Lu busts out with, "Just because you were abused, it doesn't give you the right to throw glasses at someone's face." Which technically is true? Ramona talks some more about her abusive parents and the woods putting her in a dark place. Sonja tells us that Ramona MAY have PTSD, but also gets over it really quickly (e.g., in time to get a blow-dry in preparation for Molly Sims' party).
Finally, Ramona admits that they may have a valid point, but also she felt terrible and embarrassed about what she did to Kristen and wanted to get the eff out of the Berkshires (the air conditioning situation likely added motivation, though she wisely doesn't mention this). Lu thinks this is a big moment, since Ramona never takes accountability for anything. The subject of therapy comes up, and Carole correctly tells Ramona that she needs a Swiss team of doctors. Ramona is not amused. Her take on her own mental health is as such: "Do I think I need therapy? Not really. But you know what? Anything to get them to shut up and off my back." Way to take charge of your own emotional well-being!
Oh NO, and then we have a whole bit about Kristen and her creepy awful husband Josh and their daughter Kingsley, who shares a name with Kim Richards' pitbull. As we had learned previously, Kingsley should be walking but isn't, and so is having physical therapy. Josh comes home in the middle of the day, ostensibly to join the therapy session, but mostly to display what a dick he is. He answers emails and takes calls throughout, actually says that he'd rather be in a business meeting, and at the end of it looks at Kingsley and is more or less like, "She'll be fine wobbling."
Kristen gives Josh a LOT of shit, deservedly, and basically just wants him to ASK HOW HIS KIDS ARE DOING every once in a while. Wow, what a ball buster she is! Josh goes on about how difficult it is to build a business. And seriously, what is his stupid business? All I know is that they support horrible mud-races. Crackerjack job on promotion there, buddy. Keep on giving Sonja your excellent advice! I will add that I think Kristen maybe did this whole show just to put him on blast. In the end, she say she just wants his support and to spend more time with him and maybe to even be romantic. She wonders why he doesn't ever show up with roses for her. In turn he says, "Why do you think I don't come home? There's never food on the table." E.g., "WHERE'S MY POT PIE, WOMAN?" This guy is THE WORST.
Speaking of terrible husbands, Ramona is weight-lifting in her bedroom with a curler in her bangs (!!!!!!!!!) when Mario enters. They have a glass of wine and talk about the Ramonavention, and Ramona asks if Mario thinks she needs therapy. He says it won't really make a difference at this point in her life, which I don't think is the same as, "No."
In more positive romantic news, LuAnn and Jacques set up Carole with their actor friend Nick Gregory. The upshot of this scene is that, despite writing a book that has the words "Guide to Dating" in the title, Carole is terrible at dating. Lu thinks that Carole might get better with practice, or at least can't get worse. In any case, Carole seems to like the guy well enough and when they cheers she says, "Chante!" which I guess means he stays.
Oh lord, and then Ramona and Kristen meet for tea. Kristen is hoping not to get scalded in the eye. To her credit, Ramona stands up and says she feels terrible about what happened, and hands over a big bouquet of yellow roses. Just what Kristen wants from Josh! Ramona just straight says she's really sorry, that her actions were inexcusable, and that she hopes Kristen will forgive her. And then fucking Kristen starts jawing on AGAIN about how Ramona threw a glass at her face and drew blood. Ramona starts laughing, which may be nervous laughter, or may just be, like, enough already. And seriously. The woman apologized! Your lip is fine! Either sue her or move on.
But Kristen will NOT move on. She says there must be an underlying issue, and asks if Ramona is drinking too much? Oh, that old chestnut. And I mean, yes, obviously. But this lady has the tolerance of a stegosaurus. Ramona says that she wasn't drunk when she threw the glass, and tells us that Kristen is acting like a jerk and a martyr. Which she is! Kristen wonders if Ramona does this to everyone or just her, and Ramona admits that something about Kristen bothers her. Maybe the fact that her teeth don't fit into her mouth?
Kristen still won't stop, says that Ramona crossed the line when she drew blood, and asks if she was trying to jeopardize her career. (Ramona: "WHAT CAREER?" Apparently she hasn't heard that Kristen is big in Milwaukee.) Eventually Kristen says that she's glad that Ramona is remorseful, otherwise she'd be a monster. Ramona says, "I think I can be called a lot of things, but monster isn't one of them." And that proooobably is not technically true. But still: Team Ramona all the way!
Next time: Kristen STILL won't stop talking about the freaking glass! Josh continues to be a dick. Aviva is back with her awful dad in tow, and Sonja spreads her dead dog's ashes at sea. Keep an eye out for LuAnn saying, "Oh my God, he's all over the sidewalk!"
[Image via Bravo]
Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. Read more here.