Kristen would have been much better off if she had realized early on that a) Nobody wants to go to goddamn Montana; b) Crying at the top AND bottom of a giant boulder is the worst way to impress a sporty rival; c) Nobody gives a fuck about geocaching. But, hey, at least Ramona didn't actually shoot her. YET.
Meanwhile, how thrilling was the Heather/Kristen fight? I thought this episode was going to be all about the continuation of the LuAnn/Sonja Great Facialist Debate of 2014, but it turns out that was merely a mildly interesting opening act! (And a very fakey one at that. Let's be honest: LuAnn has no qualms with the world knowing her predilection for short French men with thick penises! Otherwise she never would have introduced us to Jacques!)
The thing with Kristen and Heather seemed 100 percent real, right? Like, finally Heather just threw her Yummie Tummie modern-girdle to the wind, got wasted and, in the most delightful way possible, was basically like, "Don't you make me geocache nothing, motherfucker." And Kristen has this impossible rivalry that's completely one sided, because we all know that no one can be as cool and tough and sporty as Heather. Heather knows this too, which is why Kristen just becomes more annoying to her every time she tries.
The lists of grievances against Kristen this episode were manifold, and came from a variety of sources. Here they are, more or less chronologically.
Montana: In the words of Ramona Singer, "I don't wanna be a party pooper, but I like to be in places that make me happy." Also in the words of Ramona Singer, "You know what, Kristen? This is a boring trip." She may be rude, but I also think she's not wrong.
Dinner: Oh my God, just take Sonja and Ramona out to dinner! If there's one thing that will shut them up for at least ten minutes, why would you not do that thing? In the words of Sonja Tremont Morgan, "Like I need to see another personal chef. I've had butlers for 20 years!" She just wants to go out to town and see live people! This madness has driven Ramona to roam around in a negligee and bang curler at eight in the morning, carrying a bottle of Ramona pinot and two wine glasses. Of course, for her that's basically just a Tuesday.
Non-Bangable Ranch Hands: While Sonja didn't mention this explicitly, I'm sure she's seething about the fact that all of the cowboys on the resort seem impervious to her advances. She can't seal the deal with poor Henry, cleaning the Beaver in his nubuck shoes (sadly for Sonja that is NOT a euphemism). Nor the fly fishing guys. Nor the skeet shooting/geocaching instructor! Poor Sonja nearly resorted to making sweet love to a squirrel, a sure sign that you are in a state with too few human beings per square mile.
Fly Fishing: Any activity that requires looking like the Tool Time guy is not going to please Ramona Singer! One million points to Heather, though, for being bad-ass enough to rock a fanny pack and almost catch a fish.
Hostessing: Hell hath no fury like Ramona upon realizing that she'd have to serve ice out of a mixing bowl. The housekeeping at Beaver Cabin left much to be desired, and Ramona feared that the lingering breakfast leftovers would attract bears. IF ONLY! A third-part vacation episode that takes place entirely at the hospital would be a real ratings-booster, I think.
Pigs: So, I guess it's technically not Kristen's fault that Sonja said of LuAnn, "You lie down with pigs, you're a pig." (Leading Heather to ask, "Did you just call LuAnn a pig?") But I think that being so bored caused Sonja to get all turnt up, and indirectly led to this ill-advised statement. In the words of Heather Thompson: "You don't call LuAnn de Lesseps, one of my dear friends, a pig." For her part, LuAnn has come to the conclusion that Sonja is NOT her friend. Though I suspect that this is all really just a diversion to give them camera time and/or something to do in Missoula, there is some real envy in Sonja's voice when she talks about LuAnn's perfect life, primarily including her alimony.
Wardrobe: Obviously no one knew what to pack for this trip. Why else would Carole show up for a hike wearing a fuchsia silk nightgown and matching bolero?
Loaded Guns: This is actually not a grievance, but a celebration of Sonja Morgan quotes! 1) "I like shooting. I have my own guns. I love shooting." 2) "I haven't shot a rifle since I was like 18. My boyfriend showed me how to do it and it hurt me in the lip." 3) "I haven't shot for a while. My ex-husband kept my gun." She is an excellent shot, as you might imagine, though it's Ramona who gets a hug from skeet shooting instructor Paul. Which leads to 4) "The key with Paul is to be scared."
Rappelling: What began as a fun activity for Lu, Kristen and Heather turned into a festival of annoyance as a) Kristen wanted to impress Heather by being on sporty-spice par with her; b) Heather told Kristen not to be surprised if she couldn't do it; c) Kristen asked Heather to shut up; d) Heather wouldn't shut up; e) Kristen had a freak out and cried and cried; f) Heather laughed at her; g) Both Heather and Kristen thought it was stupid to torture yourself just to prove your mettle to a friend (whom you secretly might hate).
Heather summed up the crux of her annoyance by noting that when she challenges herself and accomplishes something, she's exhilarated. When Kristen challenges herself and completes the challenge, she's still unhappy. E.g., Kristen whines kind of a lot. LuAnn did afford a brief peace treaty by declaring that a good cry can be freeing, like an orgasm, after which Heather noted that sometimes she combines the two. According to LuAnn: "That's when you know you have a good one!" The ladies continued their peaceful quest by drinking plenty of beer at lunch, though this (as is often the case) proved to be an inadequate long-term solution.
Geocaching: To quote Sonja, "I don't know what geocaching is. It's just another punishment." Was Heather being a bitch by running off with Sonja and Ramona, who verbally did not give a shit about this dusty, boring activity? Maybe. But I mean, look. Nobody wants to go geocaching. Especially after a boozy lunch! Kristen's worst offense in this incident was getting Heather frustrated, which quite regrettably caused Heather to say "fustrated" once again.
Kristen then calls Heather bossy, knowing that she hates being called bossy. Heather (who is a fun drunk, as opposed to Kristen being a whiny drunk) (just as Heather is a fun sober person, as opposed to Kristen being a whiny sober person) wins the argument with a decisive, "If you want me to be bossy I'll be like get your fucking ass out of the woods and let's stop trying to find everything that nobody else cares about and then let's go." I mean, touché on that one, drunken syntax and all.
Kristen tries to get the other ladies to agree that Heather is bossy, which leads to Sonja saying that Kristen's bossy, because she in fact bossed them into geocaching, which nobody wants to do. Everyone is basically falling apart, with Sonja having prickers in her ass (again, sadly not a euphemism) and Ramona wishing to be eaten by bears rather than to endure another moment of geocaching, and Carole noting that if they were pioneers they'd be dead. In the end, Kristen storms off muttering "Fucking brats," shortly after getting into a competitive match with Heather over who's the most honest.
Next time: The ladies are still in Montana, only now they have access to hatchets!
[Images via Bravo]
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