The evening before Lisa Vanderpump receives her star on the Palm Springs Walk of Stars, she holds a celebratory dinner. Talk turns, as it often does, to pubic hair. "I don't understand the Brazilian thing," says Lisa Rinna. "Don't look at me, I've got it down to my knees for God's sake," says Lisa Vanderpump.
"Well, why is it there in the first place? I think back in the day it was there to, like, protect from bugs," says Lisa Rinna. "You have a problem with bugs in her bush," says Lisa Vanderpump. She continues, "I think we need protection still. From husbands." "As long as I can have a look occasionally," says Lisa's husband, Ken.
The real victim in all of this, of course, is not Ken but Rocio, Lisa's trusty housekeeper and a "very special part" of their family. Lisa says that Rocio is one of those people (unlike some OTHER people we know) who can be genuinely happy for somebody else. She doesn't seem to consider that Rocio might be so happy for Lisa's success because she's paid to be.
In any case, Rocio is invited to join dinner (featuring Kevin Lee and several of Lisa's gay friends) and is seated at the very end of the table next to Giggy, who obviously gets his own chair. When talk turns to pubic hair, Rocio looks like this:
And then is actually dismissed by Lisa, so everyone can continue talking about vaginas unfettered by her discomfort. This seems rude to me, but then again, who am I to have any comment on interactions with the help, given that my only help consists of a Maine Coon cat who is in fact very little help at all, except when it comes to throwing up hairballs in inopportune places? Lisa, however, knows exactly what to do when new housekeeper Magdalena mistakenly washes Giggy's little naked body instead of his suit (gently make a puzzled and slightly disapproving comment, sympathize with Giggy's horror at being nude).
And she knows just what to do when arriving at Bougainvillea Estate in Palm Springs and being greeted by a butler bearing two giant glasses of vodka (have the butler bring the vodka to her bedroom, presumably drink it).
Lisa is getting her Walk of Stars star for being a beloved television personality, author (????), humanitarian, and supporter of the gay community. Irony wears bedazzled Pomeranian-sized pajamas as Lisa expounds upon the need to accept your children unequivocally while also expressing extreme displeasure over the fact that her son, Max, is dating a woman 14 years his senior.
And…isn't Ken like 60 years older than Lisa? Still, she thinks the idea that Ken would date a WOMAN 15 years his senior is absurd, in part because, "If Ken was with somebody 15...[pauses, thinks] well actually, they wouldn't be alive." Okay, fair point. Max comes to the event without his girlfriend, which Lisa thanks him for. He then reminds Lisa that she TOLD him not to bring her. Meanwhile, Giggy lounges on the floor in his Elvis-inspired pajamas, remaining pleasantly neutral.
Lance Bass delivers the keynote at the ceremony, because Palm Springs is a place of magic and wonder. Giggy wears shiny gold harem pants, Ken stands off to the side wearing a lavender suit, and Lisa's star (right next to Sonny Bono's!) is unveiled. Basically, it's a very good day for Lisa Vanderpump, when life is all diamonds and rosé, as it should be.
Elsewhere, Yolanda returns home to deal with daughter Bella's DUI charges. For the moment, this involves bringing a picnic lunch to husband David Foster's office, where he busts out with this comment: "You know, this is by no means an excuse for her, because it was a tragic mistake, or could have been a tragic mistake. But, like, I asked Dr. Phil about the middle child. And like there's really something to that." Let me repeat: "BUT, LIKE, I ASKED DR. PHIL ABOUT THE MIDDLE CHILD." You may have thought there was nothing David Foster could say to make you find him more vile. You were totally wrong!
Brandi also interviews Vivica A. Fox on her podcast, and they both say "fuck" a lot. Given that Brandi has gotten a total of I think 90 seconds of screen time in the past two episodes, it's becoming apparent why she slaps Lisa Vanderpump in the future.
We also go back to work at The Young and the Restless with Eileen Davidson. Eileen hasn't exactly done all that much on this show yet, but as with Lisa Rinna, I find her incredibly enjoyable and refreshing. She runs lines with her niece! She talks about lactating while acting (l'acting?)! She reminisces about the time that her character on Days of Our Lives raped a priest! Compare this to Carlton, who just constantly tried to make us believe she was having sex with her nanny. Definitely an upgrade.
The other big event of the episode was the marriage of Kim's daughter, Brooke. We learn more about Kim's relationship with her ex-husband (and apparent best friend) Monty, who has been diagnosed with cancer. Monty has lived with Kim on and off for years but would periodically disappear, and is also maybe married to another lady? A second wife shows up at some point, though it's not clear if she's also an ex. In any case, it all sounds very emotionally healthy, as you would expect most of Kim's relationships to be. The life of Kim Richards holds manifold joys and sadnesses and puzzlements, and also I think a lot of people wandering around looking confused.
Brooke's wedding means that we also have to endure Kyle, getting her family fancy-dressed and complaining that the wedding is happening at 3:00 a.m. Spain time and they just got back from Mallorca. Well why didn't you come back a day or two earlier, you jerk? God, she is the worst. Well, she is the worst EXCEPT maybe for older sister Kathy Hilton, who appears like a specter on the stairs of her home (where the wedding is taking place) and spits out a robotic, "Tears of joy. Bittersweet," as Kim is having a mother-of-the-bride moment.
The horror of Kyle (who makes everything about her) and Kathy (who just seems mean) throws into stark relief the gentle humanity of Kim, who might be the only person left in the Real Housewives franchise who can make us actually feel things. When she talked about how her daughter Brooke made her cry tears of joy for the first time, rather than the tears of sadness she was accustomed to, I totally got misty. I'm getting misty now just thinking about it! It's not exactly that I mind a focus on pubic hair and bedazzled dog outfits, but it's nice to know that this show still has a fragile, beating heart somewhere in its shallow depths.
Next week: Lisa sees Brandi; gets to actively hate her.