It's Premiere Week, where the TV networks debut a host of their new shows on an increasingly better-distracted American public. Few of these shows will succeed, plenty will fail, most will be forgotten. We don't need anymore "guides" to fall TV (except ours)—they all pretty much say the same thing, anyway. Watch Black-ish. Don't watch the Mysteries of Laura. (These are both correct statements.) So let's just get down to what we all really care about in our favorite TV shows: When are these hot people gonna fuck? Tapping into my endless, unimpeachable knowledge of television and based purely on their trailers and previews, I have 100 percent accurately predicted the nearly-exact moment when each of fall TV's main characters are likely to bone.

Gotham (premieres Monday, Sept. 22 at 8 p.m. on Fox)
What's it about? A "prequel" series to Batman, following officer James Gordon (Benjamin McKenzie) in the years leading up to Bruce Wayne becoming the dark knight.
Main couple? Well, if the show follows canon (LOL), Gordon should end up Barbara Kean (Erin Richards), who is supposed to end up his wife.
When they gonna bone, probably? A near-kiss in the season one finale turns into a full-on bone in the season two premiere.

Scorpion (premieres Monday, Sept. 22 at 9 p.m. on CBS)
What's it about? A ragtag team of hackers and geniuses, led by hacker and genius Walter O'Brien (Elyes Gabel), recruit Katherine McPhee to help them solve crimes.
Main couple? Walter and McPhee's character, Paige.
When they gonna bone, probably? May sweeps, season five. A recurring motif will be that while O'Brien is a nerd, he's a hot nerd, actually! But it's only apparent to everyone else in the show when he takes his shirt off.

Jane the Virgin (premieres Monday, Oct. 13 at 9 p.m. on the CW)
What's it about? An adaptation of Venezuelan telenovela Juana la Virgen, the eponymous Jane (a virgin!) is accidentally artificially inseminated during a doctor's visit.
Main couple? It's a love triangle from the get-go: she could fall for Michael (Brett Dier) or Raphael (Justin Baldoni), who is also the father of her child.
When they gonna bone, probably? Because the show's conceit is that Jane is a miraculous, accidental virgin mother, her eventual deflowering will be Special and Meaningful and a Big Moment. Season 3.

State of Affairs (premieres Monday, Nov. 17 at 10 p.m. on NBC)
What's it about? Katherine Heigl is an CIA analyst charged with briefing the president (Alfre Woodard) with latest crises facing the nation.
Main couple? None from the previews, though Katherine Heigl does apparently hook up with some guy in the pilot.
When they gonna bone, probably? Ostensibly lots of boning, based on Heigl's character actually herself as "a slob in her personal life" but "a total sniper in her professional one."

Forever (premieres Tuesday, Sept. 23 at 10 p.m. on ABC)
What's it about? Ioan Gruffudd is a brilliant New York City doctor who helps solve murders. Also, he's immortal.
Main couple? Gruffudd's Dr. Morgan and his partner, Detective Jo Martinez (Alana De La Garza).
When they gonna bone, probably? Season 4 finale. Their sexual union, however, will somehow compromise his immortality, making him mortal again. Like Angel.

Selfie (premieres Tuesday, Sept. 30 at 8 p.m. on ABC)
What's it about? A sort of modern-day My Fair Lady, but with...selfies.
Main couple? Karen Gillan's Eliza Dooley and John Cho's Henry Higgenbottam. (Yes.)
When they gonna bone, probably? If the show keeps with the plot of Pgymalion/My Fair Lady, the series finale. But given that it's set in 2014....episode 2?

Manhattan Love Story (premieres Tuesday, Sept. 30 at 8:30 p.m. on ABC)
What's it about? Dana (Analeigh Tipton) and Peter (Jake McDorman) are a new couple (or, will be a couple) in Manhattan. You can hear both of the their thoughts at all times.
Main couple? See above.
When they gonna bone, probably? Episode 7, thought by thought.

The Flash (premieres Tuesday, Oct. 7 at 9 p.m. on the CW)
What's it about? Based on the DC Comics character, technically a spinoff of the CW's Arrow.
Main couple? Flash (Grant Gustlin) and Iris West (Candice Patton).
When they gonna bone, probably? Season 3, in front of a fireplace.

Marry Me (premieres Tuesday, Oct. 14 at 9 p.m. on NBC)
What's it about? Annie (Casey Wilson) and Jake (Ken Marino) are getting married!
Main couple? See above.
When they gonna bone, probably? They're already boning! That was easy.

Red Band Society (premiered Sept. 17 on Fox)
What's it about? Centers on patients living in a hospital's pediatric ward. Octavia Spencer stars as Nurse Jackson.
Main couple? Hmmmm. The cast is mostly kids, but you don't cast Dave Annable as a doctor and not make him bone someone.
When they gonna bone, probably? TBD.

Black-ish (premieres Wednesday, Sept. 24 at 9:30 p.m. on ABC)
What's it about? A middle-class black family.
Main couple? Anthony Anderson and Tracee Ellis Ross are Dre and Rainbow Johnson.
When they gonna bone, probably? They have four kids, so the Johnsons have boned at least four times already, if not more, and will likely continue to bone.

The Mysteries of Laura (premiered Wednesday, Sept. 17 on NBC)
What's it about? Debra Messing is a detective and a mother to twins. It's a comedy?
Main couple? Her partner, Billy (Laz Alonso) or her soon-to-be-ex-husband, played by Josh Lucas.
When they gonna bone, probably? Sometime in season one, Laura will backslide and bone Lucas' character right before she signs the divorce papers. Her kids will walk in on them post-coital. She will be filled with regret and self-loathing.

Stalker (premieres Wednesday, Oct. 1 at 10 p.m. on CBS)
What's it about? Maggie Q and Dylan McDermott are cops who stop stalkers and are intense.
Main couple? Maggie Q and Dylan McDermott.
When they gonna bone, probably? This show might get cancelled right away....so maybe never. If it somehow lives, it will definitely be: hot, scary, and scary-hot.

How to Get Away With Murder (premieres Thursday, Sept. 25 at 10 p.m. on ABC)
What's it about? Viola Davis is a brilliant law professor who enlists her students to help her solve murder cases.
Main couple? It's a Shonda Rhimes show, so literally any two people could be a couple or working toward being a couple at any given moment.
When they gonna bone, probably? The pilot/always.

Bad Judge (premieres Thursday, Oct. 2 at 9 p.m. on NBC)
What's it about? Kate Walsh is a bad judge. The title works on multiple levels because she is bad at her job as a judge and she's a bad judge of her own character. Get it?
Main couple? Chuck's Ryan McPartlin was just cast as her fireman love interest, Billy. But Ryan Hansen is also supposed to be vying for Kate's attention.
When they gonna bone, probably? She'll bone Billy the fireman first and then Hansen in season 2 and brush it off as a "mistake."

A to Z (premieres Thursday, Oct. 2 at 9:30 p.m. on NBC)
What's it about? Andrew (Ben Feldman) and Zelda (Cristin Milioti) fall in love. "This television program is the comprehensive account of their relationship, from A to Z," narrator Katey Segal tells us.
Main couple? See above.
When they gonna bone, probably? Episode 2. The entire concept of this show is for them to bone.

Gracepoint (premieres Thursday, Oct. 2 at 9 p.m. on Fox)
What's it about? American adaptation of great British murder mystery Broadchurch.
Main couple? David Tennant and Anna Gunn are the lead detectives on the case.
When they gonna bone, probably? In the British original, they don't bone, and it's never even implied that they ever would (also, Gunn's character is married...). But who knows! Maybe they'll change it.

The McCarthys (premieres Thursday, Oct. 30 at 9:30 p.m. on CBS)
What's it about? A cliché Boston family does and says cliché Boston things. Except! They have a gay son (Tyler Ritter, the late John Ritter's other son), who is the main character.
Main couple? A love interest hasn't been cast yet...
When they gonna bone, probably? Are gay people allowed to have sex on CBS?

Cristela (premieres Friday, Oct. 10 at 8:30 p.m. on ABC)
What's it about? Cristela (comedian Cristela Alonzo) takes a job as an unpaid intern at a law firm.
Main couple? No apparent love interest for Cristela, but they might try to make her fellow intern Josh (Andrew Leeds) her bone-mate-to-be.
When they gonna bone, probably? Season 4 on a drunken bender.

Constantine (premieres Friday, Oct. 24 at 10 p.m. on NBC)
What's it about? Based on the DC Comics series, about a magician (or something).
Main couple? Constantine apparently takes a lot of lovers (including some men), but the show's creators have decided to take some creative liberties with the series. Angélica Celaya was cast this summer as Zed, the only regular female cast member on the show.
When they gonna bone, probably? Who can even know!

Madam Secretary (premieres Sunday, Sept. 21 at 8 p.m. on CBS)
What's it about? Téa Leoni becomes the U.S. Secretary of State.
Main couple? Tim Daly plays her husband.
When they gonna bone, probably? You know they're boning already (also, they have two kids). But this new job is going to put a strain on their boning. There'll probably be an affair storyline at some point. Maybe they'll get divorced. Maybe Téa Leoni will bone someone who is not Tim Daly.

Mulaney (premieres Sunday, Oct. 5 at 9:30 p.m. on Fox)
What's it about? John Mulaney is a standup comic trying to be funny in New York City. Someone said it's supposed be in the guise of Seinfeld.
Main couple? Mulaney and fellow ex-SNL-er Nasim Padrad, who plays Jane.
When they gonna bone, probably? Season 2. Fox sitcoms with similar two attractive people thrown-together plots (New Girl, Mindy Project) being our guide.

[Illustration by Tara Jacoby]