Sure, Countess LuAnn is smarting from her recent breakup with Frenchman/Balki Bartokomous doppelganger Jacques. Really, aren't we all? But that gives her no right to steal Harry Dubin right out from under Sonja's drunken nose! And on Carole's birthday no less! At least the predictions of Sonja's gay Christian mystic still have a 100% success rate, so one thing in this world remains sacred.
So, yes, Carole is turning 50! And who better to plan your birthday party, or really do anything that you need done well, than Heather Thompson?
I feel like I should note that I am wearing a Yummie Tummie tank right now and totally look five pounds skinnier, and also am not at all uncomfortable! Heather is a genius. And she'll have to be to pull off Carole's list of demands for her Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil party, which include 1,000 white lights, Spanish moss, 5,000 white rose petals, butterflies in a cage, a psychic and a snake handler. "What makes a party great…are the details," says Carole. And how exactly did we get the impression that Carole is totally down to earth and not a diva? Carole also makes an understatement when she says, "Food is not my thing, really," and leaves the repast to Heather's discretion.
While all this planning is going on, Sonja and Harry go to The Dog Store. And Harry is captioned as "Sonja's Boyfriend!" (OH COUNTESS, HOW COULD YOU?) We're reminded that their gross yet awesome sweaty romance is being rekindled, though Sonja is wary of Harry's ability to commit to an actual relationship and not just sex in the bathroom at open mic night. "I'd have to Velcro his ass to a couch to get him to stay committed," says Sonja, and that's a great thought to have when getting serious about a relationship.
Sonja and Harry decide to get a dog together as a sign of their commitment and Harry says, "We'll take him to dinner, we'll take him for drinks, we'll take him to parties. I'll hold it like a schmuck on the side, waving, with a little bag." Whatever, I just like him, it can't be helped.
But there is a devil in Sonja's midst! Literally! Well, not literally. Would a tarot card of a metaphorical devil count as literally? Anyway, Sonja meets with Thomas John, whom a caption tells us is "Sonja's Christian Mystic." And I just need to take a moment to say WTF I LOVE HER OH MY GOD. A waiter offers bottled water and Sonja says, "Tap water's great. I want my aluminum count to go up 'cause it gives you dementia. It gives me an excuse." So that explains some things? Also, it bears repeating: WTF I LOVE HER OH MY GOD.
Thomas John's tarot cards are all bent and shit, which I guess makes them work better? He first predicts good news about Sonja's finances and home, PHEW. But then he says, "Oh shit," and crosses himself as he pulls one final card. Says Thomas John, "There is one devil in your inner circle. It's actually a woman, who is more like a contemporary…who presents like they're not, but they're really the devil in, like, in disguise, you know. Someone who's very deceptive." And it's a brunette! THOMAS JOHN HAS YOUR NUMBER, COUNTESS! And he's ALWAYS right.
Before we get to Carole's birthday, where everything goes down, some boring stuff happens. Also nice stuff, I guess. Mostly boring, though. Kristen and Josh go to couples therapy. She wears a "Love Me Tender" shirt, which is a plea for help. He wears an eBoost shirt, which is a plea for us to buy whatever eBoost is. They talk about how Kristen feels ignored and like Josh doesn't love her, and how Josh is eBoost blah blah blah, and then she cries while he looks bored. In the end she says that if he just communicates and says he loves her AND buys her an expensive handbag when he fucks up, she'll be OK. He says, "If you're a really good girl then you'll get ice cream after dinner." Man, these two are the worst. And then I guess they're fixed, because they don't bother to make a follow-up appointment. Yay?
Also, Mario and Ramona "take" "Avery" "to" "college." Now, I'm not doubting that Ramona actually IS a total wreck about her daughter leaving, but this fake-ass scene where they drive to the airport for Avery's alleged send-off and Ramona attempts to squeeze out a camera-ready tear is just terrible.
The Singer family hugs outside of the airport, and then you know they just get back in that cab and go home. What a pointless waste of our time when we could have gotten more of Sonja's Christian mystic!
And then Aviva goes a store called A Step Ahead with her friend and Boston Marathon Bombing Survivor Heather Abbot, to help Heather pick out a prosthesis. And just when Aviva has, like, one-sixteenth won me over a little bit, she says that Heather reminds her of what's important in life and what's not important, like "how petty my so-called friends really are behaving right now." She does not at any point take an exaggerated puff from an inhaler, though, so I guess that's progress.
And THEN we get to Carole's birthday party, where everything goes down! Heather has hired a professional party planner, because she's no fool and the place looks amazing even though nobody thought to order water. They DID think not to invite Aviva, though, so this is not the location of our much-anticipated leg toss. The place looks great (even though the snake handler was a no-go and the butterflies died in their boxes in what is for sure a bad omen, sorry Sonja), and so does Carole, who feels sexy and empowered and strong at 50.
As is Carole's usual fate, her birthday is completely overshadowed by other ladies' drama. First we learn that LuAnn and Jacques are officially "taking a break." And yes, we all knew this was coming, but that does not make the pain any less acute! They just seemed to love each other so much, and were so perfect together with their speaking French and possibly cheating on each other with Johnny Depp lookalikes and tricking Ramona into disparaging her own brand of pinot grigio at a wine tasting!
Ramona is quite shocked at the news, saying that when Jacques walked into a room, LuAnn lit up like a firecracker. Just like Sonja lights up with Harry, Ramona says, because when it comes down to it she's just a good Bravo employee. Lu admits that things have been rough and that she's very sad, and that in the end she and Jacques are just at different places in their lives and love each other enough to recognize it. LuAnn is all raspy-voiced when talking about it in an interview, and I think the only silver lining we could possibly get out of this situation is a tender techno breakup song.
So anyway, Sonja and Harry. She tells him that she wants to see that he's going to be a partner in their relationship, and he in turn looks at LuAnn across the room and literally flicks his tongue.Where's the snake handler when you need him?
But then Harry says that he IS serious and wants to take it to another level, and gives Sonja a ring.
An engagement ring? No, not an engagement ring. It's just a nice ring, to show her how much he loves and cares for her. And that maybe she could hawk to pay her hot water bill? Sonja says that no one knows her better than Harry: "He's charismatic, he cracks that grin of his, he's wearing his cute velvet jacket. I have to admit that the possibilities are endless. He knows me, he gets me. Maybe it's just meant to be." She asks if they're going to tell anybody about their rekindled romance and he says no, which is what all committed people do I think.
After Heather reads a private email sent from Carole in the form of a birthday roast, Sonja can't just enjoy her good fortune with Harry and has to give LuAnn grief for not telling her about her breakup with Jacques. Quoth LuAnn, "I'm so happy she's found a way to make my breakup about her." Sonja and LuAnn eventually agree that Jacques wasn't forever and when Sonja expresses the same doubts about Harry, Lu wastes no time in saying, "Well I don't know about Harry forever either." And then we cut to Harry making this face:
So is it THEN really a surprise when, as Sonja is wasting time drunkenly talking to Ramona about how love is scary, Harry approaches LuAnn, tells her that she looks "Stellarly beautiful," and the two seemingly disappear together? We hear a very spliced-together clip of LuAnn saying, "You know, I'm single now. Let's get out of here," just as the Christian mystic foretold! Sonja is ready to leave, looks for Harry and can't find him, and then we see a cab driving away. And OF COURSE that is not LuAnn and Harry, but I appreciate Bravo's commitment to making us think that it might have been.
Next week: It's the season finale, and finally we get THE LEG!!!!
[Images via Bravo.]
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