No Pop Rocks in Your Vagina: Sex Sent Me To the ER Teachable Moments

Now that one hundred million TV shows constantly vie for our attention it makes sense that basic cable networks have resorted to a truly classic trick: Amazing titles. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, Ancient Aliens, Killer Kids, My Cat From Hell, Nightmare Next Door, Confessions: Animal Hoarding, or my all-time favorite, Serial Killer Earth... All are titles that would make any discerning trash lover stop channel surfing and START getting entertained. But even these amazing titles may have been trumped by the TLC series Sex Sent Me To the ER, a sort of hybrid of HBO's Real Sex franchise and small-town community theater sketch comedy. This show is fucking ridiculous.

Like any good nonfiction basic cable show, Sex Sent Me To the ER is filled to the brim with terrible re-enactments. Better yet, they feature a bizarre mix of paid actors alongside the actual real-life subjects of these genitally unpleasant scenarios, which serves to undercut all the intentional comedy (complete with wacky music) with a dose of undeniable, unintentional awkwardness. Take the best segment of this week's episode in which an Idina Menzel lookalike grimaces in cornball agony (due to the Pop Rocks fizzling in her vagina) while the real-life attending physician dryly delivers his lines in her general direction.

Who should be most embarrassed: The actual woman who believed that putting Pop Rocks in her vagina would be a sensual treat; the actress hired to re-enact this scenario; or the real ER doctor who agreed to portray himself in its re-enactment? It's this confusing, whiplash-inducing tone that elevates what could've been a trying-too-hard hour of silliness into that sweet spot of Adult Swim-esque subversion. Sex Sent Me To the ER, I'm yours.

While the vaginal Pop Rocks incident ended up being rather anti-climactic (pun never intended) because, spoiler alert, the Pop Rocks dissolved, another segment seemed quite a bit more alarming. A fifty-something galoot spent a night out with the boys and managed to spill numerous shots of alcohol onto his crotch area until the entire front of his pants were positively drenched in combustibles. He then returned home to gift his sleeping wife with a drunken striptease only to have her take a lighter off the nightstand and accidentally set his penis on fire. These things happen! But yeah, his penis went up in flames for sure. The man's humiliation would know no bounds, however, as upon his arrival at the ER, he realized his elderly aunt would be his attending nurse:

No Pop Rocks in Your Vagina: Sex Sent Me To the ER Teachable Moments

A perfect night, in other words. After a brief moment in which there was a chance the man would have to have his penis amputated, a better and presumably less insane doctor arrived to inform him that he merely needed to apply ointment to his burns. Phew! And as the softcore porn-worthy re-enactments assured us, he was back to seducing his middle-aged, wig-wearing wife in no time.

A boring third segment involved a young couple who attempted to have sex in the backseat of their car only to accidentally disengage the parking brake, which resulted in the man hitting his head on the window and suffering a light head injury. Pretty tame stuff compared to Pop Rocks in the vagina or flaming penises, but the segment was still very entertaining for its Telenovela-style dramatics. See, the woman's mother did NOT approve of her daughter having sex past curfew, so we got tons of scenes in which the Gloria Estefan-lookin' matriarch intensely glared at her daughter with suspicion. Guys, look. When it's 10:45pm on a lonely Saturday night and you're drinking expired holiday-themed beer you'll take what you can get camp-wise. Only God can judge me.

Sex Sent Me To the ER is both informative and excellent and terrible. But with a title like that, would you expect anything less? Question is rhetorical, because no. No, you wouldn't. Please don't put Pop Rocks in your vagina.

[Image via TLC]

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