Tonight, Drunk History will spin inebriated yarns of old Hollywood. The glitz! The glamour! The prejudices! The puritanically insane Hays Code which would irreparably warp our country's views on sex for decades to come! Ah, the good old days indeed.
In honor of Hollywood's storytelling spirit, we're pleased to share with you these never-before heard tales of Tinseltown, thanks to an anonymous tipster who claims he "survived on gossip and oyster crackers beneath the tables at the Formosa for decades."
Orson Welles' Appetite
It's widely known that Orson could pack it in, with an appetite that didn't discriminate. The larger-than-life character would regularly consume Hunter S. Thompson-sized buffets for snacks. According to our tipster, Welles once planned a gargantuan soirée that boasted a spread featuring 2,000 Deviled Eggs, 500 gallons of Schlitz Malt Liquor, a septic-tank filled with champagne, 20,000 bottles of Paul Masson, 360 rotisserie chickens, 4 stuffed pigs, a silo of cocktail weenies, 3 gaggle of roasted geese, a sautéed family of wildebeest, 1 elephant shot by Ernest Hemingway, a deli-tray of cured human meat, and 18 sheet-cakes depicting his likeness. As the guests arrived to his seaside getaway, they noticed a disheveled and horrible site. All of the catering had been consumed, bones, bottles, and all, and a gigantic being snoozed on the nearby beaches. Orson had inhaled the entire menu while impatiently waiting for the party to begin. The Coast Guard initially reported Orson's water-side food-nap as a beached whale. First responders were surprised to just-barely recognize the famed director, who reeked of the dankest nugs, his greasy lips quietly exhaling, "more bud."
Betty Boop: IRL?
According to our vetted informant, animation legend Max Fleischer did not just conjure the character of Betty Boop from the creative ether. In fact, Boop is based on an actual woman Fleischer briefly dated and kept in his secret bootlegging quarters. The real woman, Bethany Poope, suffered from cranial hyperostosis, a condition that caused her skull to grow to an abnormal size. According to those who knew him at the time, many of his original "car-tunes" were filled with abnormal characters he found while traveling the inbred countryside, where he would promise fame and fortune out west, only to trap and imprison a group of "circus freaks" to fill his content well for many years to come. He was murdered by Superman after pioneering synchronized sound for animation in 1926, for the car-tune version of the racist-as-fuck "My Old Kentucky Home." He was buried in an unmarked grave with his freaks.
Elizabeth Taylor: Diamond Addict
It's no secret that Taylor was one of diamonds' best friends. But what the general public has been unaware of for decades may shock you: at an early age Elizabeth was convinced by a witch doctor in her inner circle that snorting crushed diamonds would fill her bloodstream with diamond dust thusly making her immune to all disease and hardship, and preventing her from ever falling out of the spotlight. The fame-hungry Taylor picked up an addiction to the crushed, sparkling rocks and was soon devoting all of her waking energy to finding more. In fact, she charted her own boat, The Ice Queen, to the Ivory Coast to oversee a personally-financed army hunt for the purest form of dust: crushed blood diamonds. The addiction finally took her life in 1984. A team of her trusted employees, with the help of Industrial Light and Magic, quickly built an animatronic duplicate of Taylor to handle the rest of her media obligations for the next 27 years.
The Turners and Stompanato
Lana Turner was romantically linked to known mobster Johnny Stompanato for quite some time. Stompanato, who got the nickname "Johnny Stomp" not for his name but for stamping out insects for crime lord Mickey Cohen, was an abusive, ill-tempered dickhead. After smacking Lana around for the last time, her daughter, Cheryl Crane, took a pair of scissors and stabbed him to death. She then cut him into tiny pieces and consumed each and every one, telling close friends, "I have consumed his evil and turned it into power." Cheryl Crane continued to lead an exciting life, escaping severe punishment for her rightful murder, and traveling under pseudonyms for the next decade murdering wife-battering shit-piles in small towns. For free.
Natalie Wood's 'Mysterious' Death
In 1981 Natalie Wood mysteriously drowned while sailing near Catalina with Robert Wagner, Christopher Walken, and the boat's captain. The death was ruled an accident, however, Wood had abrasions and bruises on her arms that occurred prior to falling overboard. No one on the boat admitted to seeing her go overboard or hearing any noises related to the incident. So how did Natalie really die? How could that have happened?
Robert Wagner probably got mad and fucking killed her. Rich white men get away with murder all the time. And men love killing women. Makes them feel safe. Makes them feel nice and manly. Makes them feel like God.
But everyone knows that.