Melissa and Hambone are up to it again! This Labor Day Weekend all they want to do is squeeze the last of the Flix juice from the Net rind, or else what is their $8.65 a month even for? They delight in destruction; the gleam in Hambone's eyes says, "I want to see it when these movies vanish from Netflix. The actual moment they blink out of existence. To feel like a God." So let's help 'em out killing the time until September 1 with some solid info.

  • About Last Night…, Can't Hardly Wait, Midnight Express, Dirty Dancing are all good ideas if you were going to have a sleepover this weekend.
  • Return to the Blue Lagoon also, if you understand the conceit, which is basically that one Milla Jovovich is exactly as hot as one Brooke Shields plus one Christopher (very hot!) Atkins.
  • Harriet the Spy, Penelope, and Just One of the Guys are all very educational about what is life even about. If you would like to be educated, now is your last chance.
  • (The entirety of Sesame Street is also going away, but listen if you're not caught up on your Sesame Street by now I don't really think you're going to get there in one weekend.)
  • Star Trek and Star Trek: First Contact, the real Doctor Doolittle, Lord of Illusions, and The Haunting are all good sci-fi movies for if you like both science and fiction.

Gothic, also, is a good one. Especially if you enjoy the gross sexiness of Julian Sands making you feel weird, small werewolves squatting on you, chilling out with Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley as she invents science fiction, or living through erotic horrors on your vacation.

  • Popeye and The Fisher King are good movies! But make sure you are there for the right reasons.
  • Same with 2004's My Summer of Love, where Emily Blunt fucks a girl and Paddy Considine is also in the movie.

30 For 30! The only interesting thing in the entire world of sports, and it's going away! You better at least watch the Tonya Harding one, trust me on that. Otherwise, I am not a great expert for what is good in or about sports, or what happened during them. I just know that every one of these I have ever seen has been really eye-opening and well done. Sports for people who aren't faking an enthusiasm for sports like the rest of America is and can just appreciate a good documentary about excellence.

At your discretion, but I can't personally recommend them:

  • Superstar, a movie about not really trying very hard
  • Panic Room, a dumb Fincher movie about a room and a crazy lady in it, Jared Leto outside it, and an explosion of money, just like
  • The People Under the Stairs, which is at least as good as
  • The Mummy, that people love in a way I am not qualified to judge, just like
  • What About Bob?
  • Double Jeopardy, which I really wanted to like, but at some point you just realize Ashley Judd is never pretending to be a crazy person, she is just letting her inner crazy person out and getting paid for it, which is the opposite of
  • Ali G Indahouse, which should probably be in the list at the bottom of this post but honestly, somebody's watching it and if that's you, you need as much sympathy as I can muster. I actually really like Sasha Baron Cohen but I mostly hate his characters? Like Chris Lilley, same thing.

More movies you have to make up your own mind about:

  • I'll Sleep When I'm Dead, a 2003 gangster movie that features Clive Owen looking the finest he will maybe ever look, Malcolm McDowell, and Jonathan Rhys Meyers with his garbage looking face.
  • Never Back Down, a 2008 movie about an underground fight club starring the very mesmerizing and perfect Sean Faris, that girl Amber Heard that I can never remember what she looks like but I know I like her, and Cam Gigandet who I used to just hate but then Channing Tatum arrived, which really complicated matters with Cam Gigandet. Channing Tatum never killed Marissa Cooper, really the only plus in his column, but a mighty big plus.
  • Flyboys, where James Franco joins the French military just to be silly.
  • Stir Crazy, which is of course a great movie, but I've never seen it because I was terrified of both Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor when I was a child, and to this day I've never seen any of their classic caper films. I can remember my grandmother being like, "You need to get over this Gene Wilder thing. He was a very good husband to Gilda Radner." Well then make a movie about THAT!

It's okay, everybody's different and can like different things. Like, somebody probably likes Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh, which sucks, which is sad because Candyman is a classic that taught me a lot about race and academia. I am being serious, it's great. This entitled white-lady grad student is like, "Black people are super interesting! But I feel like they could use my help improving in some key areas." Long story short, black people are super interesting, and when you don't know what you're talking about, things can get "interesting" real fast. This second one tries to be about passing privilege, to be fair, but it's basically just the Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows of the franchise.

Hmm. Good movies about A Guy: Bellflower, Ali, Bugsy, Capote. If you like guys, or a movie about a guy, those are some.

Sad to see leaving: Lust, Caution, the very intense The Apartment, and The Seven Year Itch. Also:

  • Thieves Like Us, which is a Depression-Era romance heist with Keith Carradine and Shelley Duvall. Every time a Shelley Duvall movie leaves Netflix, an angel dies screaming.
  • Wicker Park, a lot of people don't understand how good that movie is but I love it; it's a romantic drama comedy filmed like a suspense thriller, which sometimes is exactly love. Sometimes it can feel like they are there to trick you or kill you and not just be your boyfriend, because that is what intimacy and boundaries mostly are about: Scaring the shit out of yourself and hoping it's for a good reason. Good movie.
  • El Dorado, the only good Western that is not about Rooster Cogburn.
  • A Slipping Down Life, in which Lili Taylor carves Guy Pierce's name into her forehead and they become runaway buddies. (Possibly this is a documentary. It has the ring of truth.)
  • Black Mama, White Mama, in which two lady jailbirds quote "stab their way to freedom while igniting a shooting war between gangsters and militants." (Pam Grier, obviously, is in this 1972 film: Two factors that make it okay to watch.) A cinematic prequel to The Fosters.
  • Charley Varrick, a 1973 bankrobber movie with Walter Matthau and Joe Don Baker. An embarrassment of sexy riches!
  • Fool for Love, a Robert Altman adaptation of a Sam Shepard play; with Kim Basinger and Harry Dean Stanton. I'm a sucker for the genre of dusty motel realness—c.f. Bagdad Café, Gas Food Lodging, Last Picture Show in some ways—so I say catch up on this one.
  • The Long Goodbye, which is the best Philip Marlowe movie, the best Elliott Gould movie, the best anachronistic Raymond Chandler movie ever, and also film's best use of extradiagetic music. It's a movie of superlatives.

Movies you should definitely NOT make time for this weekend include: William Shatner's Get a Life!, Failure to Launch, I.Q., Something's Gotta Give, and Star Trek: The Voyage Home. Obviously.

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