Here at FX we strive to represent the apex of dark, depressing television. Whether it's exploring the existential crises of an aging white comedian or diving headfirst into the abyss with a clinically insane Hobbit and his hallucinated man-dog, we are proud to be the bastion of soul extinguishing content. Keeping inline with our tradition of melancholia, we are proud, and dare I say downright sad, to announce our new line-up; truly a crowning achievement in heart-fracturing doldrums:

The Novelist

An unknown writer in New York City (Shia LaBeouf) searches for meaning in his complicated, privileged life while struggling to get his vanilla-ass novel published. But ascending the ranks of the literary world is only half the battle—he's also searching for love, or just any womanly validation as female humans are a form of self-indulgent currency to him. Other substantial problems in his life include having boring-as-fuck cookie cutter friends, finding a coffee shop with good WiFi, differentiating between himself and his main character, grappling with his daddy issues, and getting women to understand Bukowski. He's got his work set out for him!

She's Crafty

Helena Bonham Carter stars as a shift manager at Hobby Lobby. After a tribunal of robed demons rules against freedom of birth control choice for their employees, Carter decides to attack the system from within. Using company time and property, she creates a DIY abortion clinic in the stock room using only Hobby Lobby products for medical tools. Directed by Alfonso Cuaron. Tagline: "Clean up on aisle 5."

Plague of the Heart


Two doctors during the Great Plague of London fall in love while thousands of their countrymen fall down dead. Obviously, this makes their relationship difficult and fraught with leaden sadness. On top of that it's the 17th century so everything is just terrible, struggling to stay alive was both taxing and fruitless. And everyone was a goddamn idiot. They thought comets were harbingers of evil. Anyway, the two doctors' love can never be consummated. Every time they try to bone they are reminded of the profound quantity of death surrounding them, the literal stench of the corpses, their dumb 17th century garb, and how hilariously stupid they are and it just totally kills the mood. They die. No one remembers them.

Come To Brazil

Each episode a tearful teen stan will plead directly into the camera for 44 minutes begging their favorite pop-star to visit Brazil.

Last Love

A matchmaker (Judy Greer) visits hospices to pair up old people or people with cancer so they can have one last love before they pass. Some do it for the loneliness of entering the void of death is far too great. Some, just to get that last nut. Inevitably, all of her clients leave her—upon this mortal coil. Until she falls in love. With a dog. Who has cancer. And dies.

[Images via Animal New York, Wikimedia, WallpaperUp, TomBanwell, HXNux, FanPop ]

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