Before Celebrity Wife Swap sends her forth to insult the home and family of Six from Blossom, erstwhile Real Housewife Jill Zarin sums up her life's philosophy with the following: "Some people are meant to make a mess, and some people are meant to clean up the mess." GTFO, Jill Zarin.
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And look. This is very personal to me. When I was in high school, I wore a freaking Blossom hat to every single senior event. I AM Six from Blossom! YOU are Six from Blossom! WE ARE ALL JENNA VON OY!
So Jill Zarin can shut it when, upon entering Jenna's neighborhood, she gives an incredulous, "This is more of a working class community. People who work for us live somewhere, and this is probably where they live."
She can also shut it when, upon entering Jenna's house, she says, "This is shabby…chic."
And she can ALSO shut it when, upon entering Jenna's bedroom, she says, "I don't feel like I'm in a celebrity's home, because this house needs to be gut renovated."
And finally, she can ONCE AGAIN shut it when, upon reading Jenna's Wife Manual (and seriously, GTFO to this entire show, really) she says, "OK be honest. Do you really prefer to do it all yourself, or is it that you can't afford to have help?"
You know who should never shut it, though? That lady who, at Bobby Zarin's welcome party for Jenna, says, "You like my hair like this? Very crazy?" Also Jenna's lovely husband, Brad, who is not a habitual viewer of The Real Housewives of New York and says, "I wasn't too familiar with what Jill…does."
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Jenna and Brad are normal people living a humble existence in Nashville with their toddler daughter, Gray, which involves a lot of home cooked meals and family time and pleasant dirtying of the hands. And their place is totally cute! (Shut it, Jill, oncemore!) Jenna is a little alarmed at all the sharp corners at Hamptons-based Camp Zarin (and YET AGAIN shut it Jill, with trying to make "Camp Zarin" a thing via your t-shirt), where grandkids are given lavish gifts then dismissed to hang from the glass staircase, all while husband Bobby Zarin hobnobs with Miss USA 2012 Nana Meriwether, who allegedly had a threesome with Aviva Drescher's father George (and if you don't know what I'm talking about already save yourself and your precious innocence and DO NOT click that link).
In her time at Camp Zarin (ugh, I can't believe I'm calling it that, a pox on you Jill Zarin Zarin Fabrics!) Jenna gets husband Bobby Zarin to take out the trash AND fingerpaint with his grandkids. And both he and Jill's daughter Ally and all of the other kids and grandkids know the obvious truth that Jenna is a way better mom/wife. In some sense it's an unfair contest, given that Jenna is an actual human being with actual human feelings and some semblance of kindness and integrity. I WILL admit that trying to child-proof the rather exquisite Zarin home with pool noodles was a bad call, though.
Jill hires a dog groomer, nanny and manicure bus at Jenna's place, and takes Gray shopping for expensive crap that she doesn't need or really want. Then she throws a party, and takes Brad out for a five star dinner. The one bit of credit I will give Jill Zarin is that she's right to encourage Brad and Jenna to get a babysitter once in a while and have a date night. Also that fish with the head on it that she cooked didn't look TOTALLY disgusting.
In the end the wives meet and Jill shares her disappointment at not swapping lives with Faith Hill. Seriously, what a jerk. When Jenna mentions how spoiled Jill's Chihuahua, Ginger, is, Jill says that Ginger is her child, since she doesn't have a child. Sweet, warm, empathetic Jenna then says, "…You do have a child though." I'm sure Ally is used to having to remind her mother of her existence, and also to hearing "Kids are overrated," a thing that Jill says at least 57 times in this episode.
Jenna gets emotional and both she and Brad say they appreciated the experience, while Jill maybe has a flicker of some kind of emotion pass over her plastic visage. I guess we can consider that a victory?