First of all, did you see Leftovers last night? My favorite show, easy. Damn that was good. Anyway, here's Monday: A man will go to paradise in search of women who have complicated familial histories. Another man will search paradise and find only Ben Stiller. A group of awful women will go to paradise to search for the flaws in one another. Teens will become wolves and lovely-but-boring ladies will become butterflies, on MTV and under a dome respectively.
At 8/7c. you've got ABC's new show Bachelor In Paradise, which seems to just be Bachelor Pad but I don't really believe in straight marriage—I think it's a wedge issue designed to distract us from what really matters—so I couldn't tell you what happens. Only where it happens (in "paradise"), and that it's super fake, but a little less like straight-up prostitution than the flagships of the franchise. (And that the Crystal Gayle, Tab Cola, Falcon's Crest-looking title card makes me feel like we have all collectively fucked up somehow.)
Masterchef is down to the Top 11, Bear Grylls is downgrading all the way to Ben Stiller for his second episode of Running Wild, Switched At Birth takes its visual inspiration from yet another scary-sounding but (mostly) innocuous painting, this time in Goya's "No te escaparàs," and Jeff Davis is on Aisha Tyler's Whose Line Is It Anyway? (But not the super-great MTV one; the scary one, from comedy.)
At 9/8c. Richard Nixon interviews himself in his own words or some such on an HBO Special I'd prefer they call "Nixon x Nixon." Now, if you remember what he did for us over in China you'll probably agree he's bound to make some headway. FX's TVLandish enterprise Partners debuts tonight, so if "Kelsey Grammer and Martin Lawrence" doesn't sound like an obnoxious shitshow to you, first of all how are we even friends, and second of all, the latter half-hour of tonight's premiere is called "Let's Have A Simple Gwedding." So if you watch it knowing all of this, that's on you. The Housewives of Orange County are hitting the shores of Bali, a tranquil heaven on earth known for its calming power over even the drunkest and grimmest of bitches, which even still has no hope against the likes of Tamra and Vicki and whoever else is on that show that's super horrible.
Mostly of course there's also the best goddamn show on TV, The Fosters, which we here at Morning After await each week and in which we regularly delight, but tonight's the night where we watch the aftermath of Brandon's mom finding out he fucked his dad's live-in girlfriend/sober buddy while his dad was off trying to murder his twin siblings' biological mother but accidentally shacked up with her in a motel instead. She didn't take it well last week (seems like this might be a Rosie O'Donnell episode too, which always adds a certain touch of excellence on top of it all.)
At 10/9c. you've Mistresses, which randomly I have been missing lately and maybe I will watch tonight; you've got the timeslot debut of Anger Management, which I feel weird about because the show is enjoyable, but I don't feel like we should be rewarding Charlie Sheen. So I balance the books, morally speaking, by not watching the show, but feeling generally warmly toward it, from afar. Jersey Belle is a show on Bravo that I won't be watching, with a premiere episode being entitled "Knish Out Of Water." I mean, just shut up already. (After that, good old Shannon B from the RHOC and Elisabeth Moss who is in a cult but can do a killer Kiwi accent, on WWH:L.)
Longmire's season finale is called "Ashes to Ashes," so there you go. YA Fantasies Teen Wolf/Wolf Watch and Over Sea, Under Dome are also on the television around this time of night. Over in weirdo news, There's a new Mutant Planet (Our location on that planet? Namibia) on Science and a new show on ID called Nowhere To Hide with the amazing premiere title of "Three Doctors, One Wife." The exact Snow White scenario in which somewhere to hide would be of paramount importance.
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