Did you know that American Ninja Warrior is an anagram of Nicki Minaj Anaconda? Tonight what is on the TV is cooking people, on both cooking shows and not; Bear Grylls attempts to teach a yeti the alphabet; The Fosters takes it all the way there; and we revisit the triumphs of American Ninjas past and present.
At 8/7c. it's the Top 10 Masterchefs and the second episode of Disney-themed sex party Bachelor In Paradise, Channing Tatum's Running Wild With Bear Grylls puts Ben Stiller's mugging appearance even more to shame, Padma Lakshmi headlines the Whose Line? crew and Switched At Birth references post-impressionist Augustus John's The Girl on the Cliff. What is she doing on the cliff? Looks like she's peeing to me, was that a thing ladies did in 1936? (Or claiming her natural right to some vitamin D, à la Shailene Woodley. Haven't heard from her in a while. It's been nice.)
When you think hilarious do you immediately think Padma Lakshmi? I think she's awesome, and that often translates into funny as in "a funny way of being enjoyable to be around," but I wonder what it will be like, overall: Improvisationally speaking, Padma Lakshmi may or may not have "the goods." Gotta be funnier than Shailene, though. Or Channing. Those two can go to the moon for all I care. The supermoon.
At 9/8c. American Ninja Warrior gives us the best runs of the season, it's the finales of Hit The Floor and Major Crimes, Hotel Hell visits the Hotel Chester, and in real talk news there's I think the penultimate Fosters on ABC Family and a new Real Housewives of Orange County on whatever network that show is on.
Tonight's Fosters is a special one (even for the continually special The Fosters) because it involves Wyatt and his hair plus Callie running into her very viscerally awful ex-foster brother Liam, who also plays Hot Nerdy Drug Dealer on Pretty Little Liars, which demonstrates almost infinite range. I hope that instead of Wyatt punching Liam in the nards it is Callie who punches the nards. I hope instead of just one person punching Wyatt in the nards it is all of the people on the show. Just 44 minutes with commercial breaks of Liam's nards getting punched, followed by Connor's dad breaking down in apologetic tears for being such an ongoing creep to poor little Jude. "I bought you this nail polish, Judicorn," he'll say, and Jude will deliver some kind of speech about what a family really is. #JudeSpeaks.
At 10/9c. NGC's got another unstoppable technique from David Rees, this time about how to light a match unstoppably, the second Jersey Belle tries to figure out what it even is, there's the finale of TNT's Murder in the First—which is the one with Taye Diggs and Claire from 90210 that dated Gregg Araki, like who didn't in the '90s—and the Mistresses continue their distressin' a-mistressin' like they do. There's a new Teen Wolf and Wolf Watch—the former leading up to next week's shocking reveal of the Benefactor and the latter starring, as usual, the effortlessly perfect Jill Wagner and her best friend in the entire freakin' world DJ Cole Plante—while Under the Dome defies expectations with an especially brief episode entitled "Going Home," to wit:
Bored Teen: "I am sick to death of being under this dome all the time!"
Observant Teen: "Yeah fuck it, let's go home. Wait it's just over there, because we are under a dome."
(Exeunt, pursued by a dome.)