In the second-to-last episode of Married at First Sight, a very Simpsons-esque moment where you could actually see Doug's heart break, above. Brutal, but perhaps this swift figurative kick to the face was for the best, as the big focus this episode was the couples' one month anniversaries and pursuant gifts.

Perhaps this moment of ice-cold candor saved Doug a small bundle he might have otherwise spent on diamonds and champagne for Jamie. Instead, he got her what I consider the worst anniversary gift out of the bunch, and possibly out of any option in the length and breadth of human existence.

But please, you be the judge, what would you rather get as an anniversary gift from your spouse of one month:

A t-shirt with the shared last name printed on it, like Jason got Cortney?

Married At First Sight's One-Month Anniversaries of Doom

A pair of tickets to the Broadway musical Rocky, like Cortney got Jason?

A watch, like Monet gave Vaughn?

Married At First Sight's One-Month Anniversaries of Doom

A watch, like Vaughn gave Monet? (Okay, same giftsies, that's cute.)

A "romantic" photo session like Jamie got Doug?

Married At First Sight's One-Month Anniversaries of Doom

Or... an open mic stand up comedy session dedicated to you, like Doug got Jamie?

Married At First Sight's One-Month Anniversaries of Doom

I didn't even realize you could dedicate open mic sets to people, it seems almost blatantly insulting, like dedicating a thorough nose-blowing session to someone, or a wedgie successfully picked with James Bond stealth in a public place; both of which feats are technically more impressive accomplishments than a 3-minute set at an open mic. (BURN! I used to do them all the time myself so BURN on me too.) Has Jamie's spell broken? Has Doug punctured the gas can of his heart and is he now throwing a match over his shoulder as he roars off into the sunset?

This is your last week to place hard money on who is in and who is out of these telegenically arranged marriages. Will Jason break Cortney's heart? Will Jamie stun us all and hold onto Doug? Will Monet take what she's learned about men who love traditional values and start fresh?

Time to put your money on the table, partner.

[Videos and images via FYI]

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