Do you know what happened last night on my absolutely new favorite show? NOTHING. And not the abstract sui textual kind of nothing that is the something at the heart of almost every new episode of any other reality TV show on Bravo or anywhere. (Kenya ~twirls~.) Literally: Annabelle is on a couch for like a split-second; Caroline sits in one chair at her dining room table and then another chair; Marissa and Juliet and Noelle take turns trying to understand a fact that everyone else keeps misspelling as a secret. There is a party. Serpentine? It's not as sexy as you think. SO THEN Scot ruins the evening for Noelle before it can even begin with his scandal which, like a stink, has crept into the fibers of Noelle's clothing and into her hair and up her nose and now no one will invite them anywhere.
Everything I've just written is true except that last part, which is true for most of the episode until it becomes only half-true, when Caroline offers a spare ticket to Noelle and then the episode's only forward momentum (thanks to the calendar, which creates the illusion of ordered events approaching our girls along a temporal axis) spins back on itself in a spiral. Do not take that to mean that I would trade a single moment of the women in some restaurant after midday, dressed like all of the colors of the rainbow, trying to find some reason not to get up and leave. I would not trade any moment of that at all. That was Beckett-level pointlessness. I felt my soul stretching like a liquidating rubber band.
For this, as in all things to come this season (I suspect), we can thank Caprice. The revelation of her double pregnancy—one natural/one surrogate; one in America/one in London—is treated as appropriately sized news by exactly one person: Annabelle (ugh because she decided to be decent). Caroline doesn't even want her ticket to The Caprice Show, but that she cannot scalp. Did you feel the floor beneath your feet yawn a little when Caroline accused Caprice, in confessional and not to her face, of "selling stories"? It's like we never left home!
The party, long-discussed, finally begins. I do not think I quite have the body to pull off Marissa's dress, but it is definitely the first one I would squeeze into if I could. The color shimmers without shimmering—a gerund in lamé. Here again is HRH Caprice: "It's not just about going to these events and being papped. Will the tabloids use these pictures? ... You've raised your profile, and that turns into money and that turns into power." Excellent advice, truly, but none of Caprice's friends on LOL actually seem all that into her and, in their stead, who knows?? Look at Vicky: What kind of "friends" have her money and power attracted?
The party, long-discussed, finally begins and so this second episode of LOL has to end. It cannot handle too much happenstance. A few fond references to day-drinking and then one not-fond reference to day-drinking and the lightly dawning realization that Noelle is witty in a way that is almost trashy. Lunches in the rain! The series' magic stretches and stretches around all of this and is enrapturing. Look at Juliet's face:
It's time for the power rankings:
NEXT TIME: Juliet and Caroline finally become friends; and we should all be so glad to be here, now, together.
[Images via Bravo]