Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin have been married for 17 years, and on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Lisa is finally spilling their secret for success: "Nobody I know watches porn. They're all grossed out by it, like, oh my God how could you watch porn? I go, well how could you not?"

Is it too early to call Lisa Rinna the best Real Housewife of all time? I present as evidence this anecdote, which Lisa shares at her birthday dinner. Everyone is having a good time at Lisa Vanderpump's new restaurant, Pump, and Kyle tries to scandalize the table with talk of how she was engaged to a newscaster 24 years older than her when she met Mauricio. Lisa Rinna has a relationship origin story of her own, which involves her working at the store where Harry Hamlin came in to pick up his eyeglasses, just after former wife Nicolette Sheridan had left him…for Michael Bolton.

First of all, any story that involves 90's Michael Bolton at the peak of his powers wins. Also, the fact that Lisa Rinna worked at an eyeglass store wins. But THEN the part about Lisa thanking Michael Bolton when she saw him years later! "And then Michael Bolton looked at me and he said, 'You are so welcome,'" is basically the most perfect thing I can imagine anybody saying to end a story. All of this taken together might be why I found myself humming "Lisa Rinna, Lisa Rinna" to the tune of "Rock Me Amadeus" in the shower. The subconscious is a strange and sometimes alarming thing.

Lisa Rinna (Lisa Rinna, Lisa Rinna, Lisa Rinna, Lisa Rinna – seriously, try it) also introduces us to our other new cast member, soap opera actress Eileen Davidson. They get high on iced tea, Lisa congratulates Eileen on her Emmy and learns that Eileen is going back to the Young and the Restless. Eileen does that "pay attention to me, don't pay attention to me" thing that's been part of all the previews.

We don't get a real sense of Eileen just yet but, for the moment at least, if Lisa Rinna vouches for her that's good enough for me.

Meanwhile, Yolanda spends some time with her daughters in this episode. Gigi is briefly home from college before heading off to London, Paris, New York, and Paris again for modeling gigs. Her career is doing quite well, likely on account her being actually physically perfect, and Yo wants to start taking younger daughter Bella around to agencies as well. Yolanda's attitude is that college is great, but also you can do it anytime, whereas you age out of physical perfection relatively quickly, so you might as well make as much money while you can before the onslaught of wrinkles. And really, I have no beef with that.

Yolanda doesn't say that the other key to life success is to marry well, but you can infer it from the footage of her on husband David Foster's private plane. We learn that Yolanda's mom in Holland is battling cancer, and they're going to take care of her. I believe that this somehow is going to coincide with a Real Housewives cast vacation, which I'm sure is just the healing energy that her mother needs.

Kyle and family are also preparing to go on a yachting vacation to Spain, which entails shopping with Portia. Kyle claims that she wants Portia to appreciate the value of a dollar and not grow up a brat, but then she wants her to try on shirts that say things like "Your yacht or mine?" and "I left my Louis on the jet." So, good luck with that.

The Richards sisters—including big sister Kathy Hilton!!—also go wedding dress shopping with Kim's daughter, Brooke. We learn a few things on this trip, including that Kim's first husband and Brooke's dad, Monty, has lung cancer and has moved back in with Kim as he goes through chemo and radiation. We do not yet learn how Kingsley feels about all this, but I can't imagine that it's going to turn out well.

And boy, Kathy Hilton is a trip, isn't she? Not only are her cheeks insane, but she wastes no time in telling Brooke that one of the wedding dresses she's trying on makes her look like a cocktail waitress. Kathy is what people call "direct," which is code for "a huge B."

And finally, no episode would be complete without some Brandi drama. First we learn that her ex, Eddie Cibrian, wants her to return over $100,000 in child support that he claims to have overpaid. Brandi in turn told him to fuck off, and now is probably going to spend over $100,000 in lawyer's fees so she doesn't have to give back the money. What a horrorshow those two are.

Brandi also goes on a hike with Kyle, where she decides that she wants to rekindle her relationship with Lisa Vanderpump via a cold call. Lisa is just chilling at with Giggy (who FYI is wearing a casual long underwear ensemble) while Ken gets all sweaty gardening, and looks horrified while taking the call from Brandi.

Brandi claims she wants to get back on track with their friendship, Lisa thinks that Brandi is over 40 years old and needs to come in with something better, such as an apology. Brandi in turn thinks that Lisa needs to apologize but never will, because to apologize would be to admit that she's somehow imperfect.

Just as Brandi says that she's not going to kiss Lisa's ass for the rest of her life, her phone dies. This has to be staged, thus leading to Brandi calling Lisa back with Kyle's phone, and Lisa being like, "OH ARE YOU WITH KYLE SAYING NASTY THINGS TOGETHER LIKE YOU HISTORICALLY HAVE DONE WHEN YOU ARE HIKING?"

Anyway, she doesn't want to talk to Brandi with Kyle sitting right there. Or, I think, without Kyle sitting there. Basically, Lisa is done with Brandi, though with customary British manners she RSVPs maybe to her housewarming party. My guess is that she doesn't show but sends a gift, then Kim Richards learns she was in town all along and the whole cycle goes on repeat.

Next time: We're on Kyle and Mauricio's yacht with special guest Yolanda, who receives some sort of dramatic phone call. We also meet Eileen Davidson's husband, with whom she apparently bickers a lot. Also hopefully more stories from Lisa Rinna!

[Video and images via Bravo.]

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