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The season five Real Housewives of Beverly Hills premiere featured the return of RHOBH OGs as guests at Kyle's White Party. But who gives a rat about Maloof's Hoofs when we have LISA EFFING RINNA dropping lines like, "I'm an entertainer, you know. I'm an actor/entertainer. I don't know what the fuck I am, really."
The clip above offers a peek into Lisa's home life with husband Harry Hamlin and their moody teenage daughters. And did you not die when Lisa returned home to find Harry noodling away on the guitar? And also when she asked him for flower arranging tips and he said, "You have to be an artist about this, darling." And this whole Harry-is-King business? And how oddly normal they seem, but at the same time you know the bubbling cauldron of weirdness is also just below the surface and could erupt at any moment? It is thrilling, and a welcome relief from talk about someone packing a tabloid in a suitcase.
Lisa is a beyond-excellent replacement for witchy Carlton and boring Yoyce, and I have only the highest expectations for her. At Kyle's White Party she continues to excel—knowing everybody, reminiscing about Yolanda's supermodel days, calling Kim Richards her Turtle Mama, dishing about how rich Lisa Vanderpump is, and saying to Kyle, "God, you have such good boobs."
Lisa number two even gets a stamp of approval from Lisa Vanderpump, who has a lot of respect for the Rinna/Hamlins and their relationship, adding, "It sounds like I love them so much I want to swing with them. I don't, I just think they're great." But if the Vanderpump/Todds DID swing with them, I think we can all agree that it would revolutionize the entire televisual medium, and the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences would have to shut right down because nothing else could TRULY be considered Emmy-worthy again.
And speaking of Lisa Vanderpump, her new tagline for the season is, "Throw me to the wolves and I shall return leading the pack." And first of all, that is SUCH a Harlequin Romance line, which is part of why we love Lisa Vanderpump. Secondly, boy howdy she is not kidding! Last season was in large part about the other ladies (led by Brandi, but enthusiastically endorsed by Kyle and Yolanda) trying to dethrone the Queen. I'm not sure what happened in the off-season (well, likely the ladies discovered something called "popular opinion") but both Kyle and Yolanda reach out to Lisa in an attempt to let bygones be bygones.
It seems that they are willing to let go of all the things that bothered them so much about Lisa—including her refusal to admit that she's wrong about anything and her reluctance to actually talk about or deal with issues. Perhaps, as Yolanda says, they are making a conscious decision to be positive and just make happy days. Maybe also they just want to be invited back to hang out in her closet. Which, is it somehow possible for me to get a job there?
I'll dust the heels of her shoes, or brush her hair like on Downton Abbey. What a place of wonder and delight! It is also the setting in which Ken throws major shade in Kyle's direction, wondering if they have to go to the White Party and adding, "I don't know if I can stand another Fatburger." (Did you not DIE when the Fatburger stand showed up at the party?) At one point, Giggy also appears to be wearing a tiny bathrobe. There were so many moments in this episode that made me want to fall over, in the best of ways.
Lisa VdP seems to rather easily forgive Kyle and Yolanda (upon the condition that they never REALLY have to address what went wrong and just move forward, and also pledge their enduring loyalty WITH BLOOD AND ALSO PROBABLY DIAMONDS), but Brandi is another matter. Though Brandi cares about Lisa and Ken and wants to revive their friendship, Lisa has stone cold iced her. This is evident in Lisa straight-up saying in an interview, "No no no, she burned that bridge." And now that Lisa is once again leading the pack, Brandi feels like an outsider to the entire group of ladies. In fairness, she's probably not winning back any friends by saying things like, "It's like Mean Girls with Lindsay Lohan, but they're all 78."
Brandi is thus forced to try to make amends not with Lisa, who gives her a cheek kiss but not the time of day, but with Adrienne Freaking Maloof. If you'll recall, a few seasons ago Brandi spilled the beans that Adrienne had a surrogate carry her kids, which is a pretty shitty thing to do. And then there were fingers waving in faces, and you know how that goes. Adrienne seems open to talking and agrees to have coffee with Brandi, which means that we get at least one more episode featuring Adrienne Maloof, which frankly seems unnecessary.
While we're on the subject, three former housewives in total showed up to Kyle's White Party. It is, after all, the "Beverly Hills event of the year party that everyone wants to come to." (Which: HA.) And they all seem to be doing just fine. Taylor is happily married to her former attorney, Adrienne is dating a much younger dude named Jacob Busch (cue "a Busch between her legs" joke from Lisa VdP, who adds that Adrienne was a "moody old cow" when she was married to Paul), and Camille looks great and even jokes about the Kelsey days.
And so all the housewives dance together—even Kim, who was missing for a while but then mysteriously turned up, as is her custom—radiating happiness in their white garments at this, the Beverly Hills event of the year party that everyone wants to come to. Except for Brandi, that is. She stands on the outside muttering about her anxiety, realizing that she's been thoroughly Pump'd. It's going to be a long season for her, I think.
Next time: For some reason Yolanda appears in front of the camera wearing lingerie, and Adrienne and Brandi have their sit-down.