Borrowing yet again from the eternal spring of celebrity fuckshit news, last night's Law & Order: Special Victim's Unit explored the inevitably tormented world of bescandled former child stars and the predatory job-dangling Hollywood execs who abuse them.
Our troubled starlet, Tensley Evans—who could pass for Amanda Bynes in the right wig—is a mashup of every wayward pop tart, sitcom kid, and obnoxious teen movie mainstay that ever brought fortune, scrutiny, and Child Protective Services into their parents' lives. She loves her drugs and she knows the power of a strategic hump. There's a rehab escape, a car accident, a willingness to fuck her way to freedom once detained, and a statutory rape charge. Naturally. There's a LouPearlmanly movie producer with some damn issues and a mother who only exploits you because she loves you.
Can you guess the ending already?
Yep. You guessed it: Her guardian and enabler, Heartless Stage Mombot 9000, wins at failing as a mother for silently encouraging her daughter's early sexualization. And because the underlying theme of every whodunit is that hurt people hurt people, Benson and the gang quickly uncover LouPearlmanly movie producer dude's web of predatory scumbaggery, and the victimizer (Tensley The Terrible) is, of course, the victim.
In the end, Tensley wins by announcing to a beaming Hoda Kotb her upcoming story arc on Orange Is The New Black, hopefully as the carrier of the flesh-eating herpe-gout that brings that damn Piper Chapman to her knees.
And yes, Mariska looked like $38,102,931.88 in every scene.
Alexander Hardy is a writer and cultural critic who opines about the world and the disappointing people in it. Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. Follow @GawkerMA and read more about it here.