Too bad about Maya Rudolph, huh? Sometimes when people do their passion it can be very beautiful and inspiring, but sometimes, when people do what they want in life, all you want is for them to stop doing it! Just cut that shit right out, amigo.
Tonight at 8/7c. there are some very exciting things, like the American Idol Final Two which means a lot of guest stars making you say "Whom?" and "Why?" and then there's Bad Girls Club, a show that has been on for over three decades and I still don't understand what it is about. Can it really be as simple as, "These girls are so bad! Their behavior is unacceptable and they should really know better!"? How is this a show? You know what was a real show was Starting Over, that show from the Aughts about the ladies in the halfway house getting their shit together. That was the opposite of this.
Then, a show called The Secret Lives Of Stepford Wives, with an episode entitled "Upper East Side Shootout." There is nothing about those preceding 18 words that isn't a total fucking turn-on, to be entirely honest. But the even more real shit is over on Animal Planet, where they have cobbled together an entire hour's worth of special about MAN-EATING ZOMBIE CATS.
At 9/8 there's a full hour of 19 Kids & Counting, which I am given to understand is about some people in a cult, rutting like selfish hogs, and some kind of Bachelor-type show over on Fox where the twist is, the prostitutes are trying to marry a British person? A fake Prince Harry? Sorry, but if you want to marry the real Prince Harry, you're twice as trashy as any reality TV hooker. That guy is disgusting, a real garbage person. "Mom, this is my boyfriend Harry. You may remember the time he dressed up as a Nazi, just for hilarious kicks." "Yes, dear. I've seen his peen on the internet."
There are also finales for The Voice, DWTS, Supernatural and From Dusk Till Dawn on the El Rey network (a show, and network, that I did not invent to amuse you but are in fact quite real). Me, I will be tuned right the fuck in to CBS for the two-hour country music All-Star Salute To The Troops, because why wouldn't I be.
At 10/9 there's Fargo on FX, and Awkward and Faking It on MTV. I haven't watched Awkward in quite a long while. The message started getting really weird and retrograde and it was just bizarrely, like, slut-shamy; is it still like that? (Is Matty still awesome? I loved that dude.) If you like comedy, tonight's your night because there's Playing House on USA, and then Inside Amy Schumer on Comedy Central.
What are you planning to enjoy this evening? I am kind of wiped out from last night and I might turn in early, but hopefully I can stay up at least until Amy Schumer. I like that show better at night, do you ever get like that about things? I don't want to be eating breakfast and confronting real truths about being a modern sexual being through humor, like, at the same time. That sounds terrible.
[Image of Toby Keith saluting nothing via CBS]