It's Lions, Prenups, and Prostitutes on RHOA: Kandi's Wedding

It's 28 days until Kandi's Wedding! And Momma Joyce is crazier than ever. She continues to insist that she likes Todd, while also continuing to insist that he is the spawn of a pimp and a prostitute. This show must make Kim Zolciak's mom feel VERY secure in her sanity.

This week we had four steps forward in terms of wedding planning, about nineteen steps backwards in terms of familial happiness and harmony, and thirty-seven more steps forward in the case for putting Momma Joyce in a home.

Dancers: Kandi is VERY committed to the Coming to America theme, and folks line up around the block to audition to be African-dancing wedding entertainment. Kandi is confident in her ability to choose dancers, though is a bit taken aback by the tight shorts of some of the male dancers who are "really saying hello down there." More Bedroom Kandi inspiration, maybe? Daughter Riley looks mildly mortified about the whole situation, but not as mortified as she does in that preview where she begs Kandi and Joyce to stop going at each other.

Lions, Tigers and Bears: Wedding planner Johnnie is totally stepping up his game! He's managed to secure the animals for Kandi's wedding, and strongly recommends an immediate "Save the Day" email. A venue has not, however, been secured. Which leads to…

Le Fais Do Do: Kandi is totally feeling this random warehouse in the "furniture district," whose proprietor assures her that she can do whatever she wants with it. She even takes to calling it Le Fais Do Dope. Manager Don Juan is less convinced of how possible it will be to transform this "hood-ass space" but, I mean, the Westin Peachtree Plaza may have some sort of clause about no tigers and/or old lady fisticuffs in the function rooms, so a hood-ass space might indeed be the best option under the circumstances.

Don't Change: No, I'm not talking about Momma Joyce, who in fact should change immediately. Rather, Kandi approaches Musiq Soulchild to sing this song of his at the wedding, and he agrees. Cool, but not as exciting as if she'd gotten the surviving members of TLC to do a slow, poignant first-dance version of "No Scrubs."

Daddy Issues: Kandi has lunch with her dad, Pastor Titus Burruss, to see if he'll officiate at the wedding. He agrees, then unloads a whole lot of info about why he wasn't around so much when she was a kid. Titus claims that Joyce's crazy sisters were all party animals who changed the locks in the house and also got her to put out a restraining order against him. Kandi is skeptical, but then also Momma Joyce has proven that she's nuts, so this one is a real toss-up.

Todd is solidly pro-dad, since Titus is the only family member who is remotely nice to him. Titus suggests that Todd get advice from God on how to deal with Joyce, at which point the Lord himself just shrugs and says, "…Put her in a home, probably?" And then Todd tells Titus how he knew Kandi was The One when she had him pray with her after sex. Titus does not seem to find this to be TMI, which makes me totally suspicious of him. (For the record, Momma Joyce insists that Titus is lying. All of this causes me to wonder yet again how on earth Kandi turned out to be such a lovely human being!)

Prenup: I really wish Todd would just SIGN THE DAMN PRENUP ALREADY. He asks Real Househusband Apollo (who also agrees to be a groomsman) what he should do, like Apollo is REALLY the person you should be going to for legal advice at this juncture. Or marriage advice! Apollo suggests that Todd confront Joyce about her accusations that his parents were a pimp/ho combo who passed along their grifter DNA to him, which is obviously going to go GREAT. (And is also probably the entire reason why this show exists.)

It's Hard Out Here for a (Dead) Pimp: Kandi REALLY doesn't want Todd to try to resolve Momma Joyce's pimp/ho accusations just yet, but Todd is insistent. Kandi butters up Joyce by first asking if she'll walk her down the aisle, to which Joyce asks if she HAS to. She'd rather just sit down and mutter curses from a back row. When Kandi says she'd really like her to, Joyce says, "That's asking a lot." And actually, as she's comparing the impending nuptials to a funeral, it's probably best not to give her an up-front role.

When Todd brings up the fact that his dad died when he was three, and wasn't able to teach him "the game" from beyond the grave, and ALSO wasn't a pimp, Joyce says, "Sometimes your legacy live long after you're gone." As usual, Momma Joyce has random unnamed sources throughout the country who have informed her about the pimp-dad situation. Todd ask her to get them on the phone, and then Joyce brings up the time when Todd accused her of trying to set him up with incriminating pictures. And she doesn't so much deny this as say that Todd just does incriminating things in his day-to-day life, so why not document them? Momma Joyce gets a bit out of hand, as is her custom, then says that Kandi is on her own from this point out. If only Kandi were so lucky!

Next week: It's the moment we've all been waiting for! Momma Joyce versus Todd's alleged prostitute mother!

[Images via Bravo]

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