If anyone is still out there reading this website, we’ve got big news: Ballers episode six was one for the baller record books—to be remembered time and time again in moments of dark despair. While the world may be crumbling around us, and night begins to fall, it is important to remember that the ballers stop balling for no one. Not even you or I. Not even anyone else. Not even other ballers. The balling is forever.
Why, hello, handsome! Already a strong start to Ballers episode six. Remember when we were young and relaxed? Remember when we had no worries? That’s the vibe Spencer Strasmore is putting forward right now. Let’s award this fashion look accompanied by a Nerf football nine out of ten balls. Miami seems tight, though the length of those shorts is questionable.......
Uh what the fuck is this beach strewn with garbage and seaweed? I thought that the beaches of Miami were “hella good” and “spectacular” and “glamorous”? They are not. Is this woman picking up trash? Certainly nice of that woman to do, but it may take her an entire lifetime to make this beach look even remotely attractive to sit on. Where can I write my Yelp review of Miami beaches? I give them five out of ten balls.
We learn on this incredible, perfect episode of Ballers that was clearly written with me in mind that Ricky Jerret—the football guy who keeps getting himself into trouble—has a SECOND HOUSE FOR BALLING. Let me clarify before I get carried away on a chillwave comprised only of my biggest baller dreams.
Ricky Jerret has one house. This is the house he lives in with his girlfriend, Bella.
Ricky Jerret also has another house. A house where the only priority is to ball and ball as hard as one possibly can, mostly to protect oneself from the wrath of one’s spouse. Jerret, in my humble opinion, has the right idea. I give this idea ten out of ten balls. Look at how great it is!
The execution, however, can never be as perfect as the idea, and with that comes some complications in our beloved ballers’ lives. Within minutes of introducing former pro football player Charles Greane to his baller pad, Jerret tells him about the pool:
“I must have busted one thousand nuts in this bitch.”
Why is Ricky Jerret busting so many nuts into his pool? Is it truly possible that he has busted over one thousand nuts in this pool? It is hard to say. As a person who has never busted a nut, I’d like to think that busting a nut in a pool would feel superior to busting a nut anywhere else. Therefore, this memorable statement from Jerret earns him nine out of ten balls.
“Now this is the freak room.”
Ricky Jerret, are you my least favorite character on the television program Ballers or are you my most favorite? I still can’t decide, but I have to say that if you are bringing any single woman into that room to have sex with her, you are not only not a baller, you are a monster. I give this bed—rotation and all—two of ten balls. Why two balls? you may be asking. I like when people are crazy because that means they are also baller. Don’t question my methods.
Meanwhile, at Jerret’s house, some friends of his are watching the movie Her. “Have you seen the movie Her? Dude is in a sexual relationship with his operating system. That shit is imaginative.”
This is a perfect stylistic decision for the television show Ballers. Ten out of ten balls. I’m crying at how perfect it is.
But Jerret, of course, has gotten himself into trouble. The woman who he was sleeping with—a teammate’s mom—has leaked to TMZ that he likes getting spanked. Lmao, what an idiot. On the phone with Strasmore, he speeds down a freeway saying that he does not like to get spanked! Give me a break, I bet he loves it. Six out ten balls for definitely lying while driving a good fast car. It is very clean.
This guy again?
Zero out of ten balls.
Joe and his new friend the lawyer give this woman a $100 tip because this guy wants to fuck her. Her name is Amanda and she deserves all the money she is given. Nine out of ten balls for Amanda. I’ll even throw in one bonus ball. Why not?
Charles Greane’s life is completely falling apart in two images:
Unbelievable. This is a married man retired from the NFL. Shouldn’t he be thinking about his 401k and the car dealership he works for? But you know what they say—once a baller, always a baller. A foam party sounds great especially when you’re zooted on that good cush. Ten out of ten balls, Charlie baby. Ball out while you still can. We respect your right to ball, even though you’re acting heinous. Like a moth to a flame, a baller returns to the balling without complaint or consideration.
This pool clears an important hurdle by being large and clear, but it has already begun to be obscured by shade. It appears to be located in a motel.
Thank you, Jordan Sargent. Six out of ten balls, especially as we remember how many nuts have been busted in that pool. Perhaps it is worth downgrading to five out of ten balls. There were far too many nuts busted.
Ricky is then asked to go on television to apologize for being spanked by the mom of his teammate. He wears a t-shirt under a sport coat, which is a ridiculously bad look. Two out of ten balls. But then he says this:
“My dad wore 81 so I took number 18 to flip the script. I swore a long time ago that I’d never take the field wearing a jersey that didn’t say anything but ‘Fuck you, dad’ on the front and back. We are nothing alike.”
Imagine wearing a football jersey where the front and back read, “Fuck you, dad”! That is a sight I hope to see some day on a professional football player. Ten out of ten balls for Jerret. Fuck you, dad! He also says that the Harry Potter books are “underrated” and I’m literally rolling on the ground laughing I love this show so much I hope that it never ends I can’t believe how good it is. Ten out of ten balls AGAIN. Only a baller would ever say that the Harry Potter books were underrated.
Strasmore swears that he will not fit into this MRI machine. Bruh! Take it easy. Seven out of ten balls for being a big baby. We’ve all been there.
Here’s a particularly great quote from this episode that I will print without commentary:
“Your head’s down. There’s areolas. And it fucks up your periph.”
To another week of having a fucked up periph. Nine out of ten balls.
Ballers episode six balling average: 7.0625 plus 1 bonus ball.