Let's make one thing perfectly clear: We are all lucky to be alive at a time when Vassar graduate Aviva Drescher, while at Le Cirque, proclaims, "The only thing that is artificial or fake about me is THIS!" and rips off her prosthetic leg, slams it on the table, then throws it at someone. Say what you will, but this bitch earned her paycheck.
When the prophets foretold that one day a dazzlingly beheeled leg would be thrown to the floor, only to be retrieved and returned to its owner by a literary archnemesis, could we ever have predicted it would be quite this magical? How could we truly have expected that a legless white lady would one day sit at a dinner table and utter the profound words, "Heather, why don't you take it? I'll crawl home," thus giving us, as a nation, a moderate to severe asthma attack?
So how did we get to this moment, and the perfection that is Sonja Morgan capping off the episode by saying, "I don't blame her. I would throw my leg on the table too. I'd throw my other leg on too if I could. I'd throw my arms up there too." Answered prayers, I suppose. Let us start at the beginning.
So, Sonja and Harry. The episode begins with Sonja in bed, asking for an ice pack from her interns, then being crushed, spiritually, by the towel in which said ice pack is delivered. "This is the kind of towels I have left? We don't have any budget for new dish towels? Please! Can't you bring me a prettier towel, please, I can't aesthetically deal with that. Bring me my French ones." Living without hot water is one thing, but when it comes to the aesthetic indignity of shoddy dish towels, Sonja is NOT prepared to just light her serenity candle and hope for the best.
Apparently Sonja, upon realizing that Harry took off with LuAnn from Carole's party, tried to run after the couple's cab and fell, thus spraining her leg. Intern Tyler and another boy had to carry her home, which I frankly think is an appropriate mode of transport for Sonja Tremont Morgan at any and all times. Harry didn't place his usual morning call to Sonja, meaning that something is afoul…in his loins. More afoul than usual, I guess. Kristen and Ramona are incensed to hear this, and Ramona not only calls Lu a shithead but yells, "[open mouth]…FUCK HER!"
Well damn, Ramona. Lu is not a girl's girl, everyone agrees, and Ramona says, "There's always one in the crowd, you've gotta keep your distance," which is RICH coming from her. Sonja tells us that Harry blew it, and also something about her aura? I don't know.
Now, I'm not happy that Sonja sprained her leg, but it IS rather wonderful to see her scooting down the stairs on her butt, wearing giant-heeled boots, yelling for Pickles and carrying her new dog, Rouge. And really, things are looking up. First, Pickles has the ingenuity to use Rouge's potty pads to cover an old pee stain. Sonja also is planning to hold a party at Le Cirque for "Team Sonja." What are the parameters of Team Sonja, you may ask? "Team Sonja is no less than 35 people. It's my dog groomer, my acupuncturist, my surgeon, my facialist. I'm a lot of moving pieces, and they're the glue." Spoiler: Team Sonja is a motley fucking crew, and I dream of one day officially joining their ranks.
LuAnn comes over so they can hash out this Harry thing. She calls into question Sonja's sources, and says that she didn't jump into a cab with Harry….Harry jumped into a cab with her! And here I thought for sure they never REALLY got into any damn cab together at all! But apparently they decided to go out and dance, platonically, and Lu is not about to take any guff from Sonja. She says, "Don't point your dagger at me, honey, because you're pointing in the wrong direction." Dang!!!
Lu assures us that everything was on the up and up, saying, "Been there, done that. I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole." I am inclined to believe her on this subject, and I guess Sonja is too. She can't stay mad at Lu, but Harry has some explaining to do or will lose her for good.
As expected, Harry's explaining is basically the worst. He tells Sonja that other people said they would wait for her at the party, and I guess they were all wasted, and he didn't want LuAnn to go by herself. Harry says that nothing happened that night, although, "It sounds good. I wish it did. It didn't." Well, there's a way to get the girl, eh? He does finally admit that it was stupid on his part to leave her, and apologizes. And while Sonja isn't ending their 25-year relationship, she is ending "the concept of you committing to me," and gives him back his bullshit promise ring. "And that was the end of Harry and Sonja," says Sonja. And OBVIOUSLY that was the only plausible outcome in this very dramatic and possibly scripted two-episode arc, but I am still very sad. All I want is for Sonja to be happy! And for poor young Rouge to never feel the pain of coming from a broken home.
In other matters, Kristen models in an ad for eBoost that lands on a billboard, and it turns out Kristen loves to be on billboards. During the shoot the photographer wants her to fake lots of little orgasms and she finds that this skill may come in handy in the future: "Maybe if I'm tired on a Tuesday night, I know what to do now." That's worth ten couples therapy sessions alone, I think.
We also learn that Heather got a second opinion about surgery to address her son Jax's hearing loss, and the doctor felt that it wasn't a good option. Jax doesn't feel like he needs the surgery at this point, and so they are holding off for now. The renovations on Carole's apartment are also finished, and she's ready for The Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating to hit bookstores. And really, I'll probably at least get that from the library. (As I have with Drinking and Tweeting, which will certainly be a mar on my record if I ever run for public office.)
And then, as if this finale weren't enough of a gift from the universe, we ALSO learn that Ramona Singer was once romantically pursued by Fabio. YES, THAT FABIO!!!!
Were not at least three tiny fuses in your brain completely blown by that? But Ramona is happy with Mario, with whom she had an immediate attraction and still has crazy chemistry, I guess even while he's banging other ladies. And I'll just say that if the Singers get divorced and next season of RHONY brings us a rekindled romance between Ramona and Fabio, I AM IN.
And all this brings us to the Team Sonja party at Le Cirque. Invitees include people such as Montgomery Fisher, Image Guru and Mark Lazare, Celebrity Dentist. Quoth LuAnn, "Sonja has been going through such hell in her life that I'm very happy she has a team. Now, the team is very bizarre." It is definitely like something you hallucinated once while on heavy painkillers, which actually is probably an apt description of how Team Sonja was formed in the first place. All of the ladies know that Aviva is coming, and prep for her arrival by recounting her lengthy list of mental issues. When Aviva gets there she tells us she knows the party won't be pleasurable, but wants to be there to support Sonja. Also, I think she is contractually obligated.
Sonja arrives late, of course, but wastes little time getting to her rather long and incomprehensible speech, which ends with the words, "My aura was not at my highest when I bought that apartment at 72nd street or when I married my ex. It is at it's highest right now. OK, let's party." Even Ramona thinks the speech didn't make any sense, but, I mean, who are any of us to argue with a record high aura?
Aviva's aura sadly isn't having such a good day. Ramona goes straight at her, wanting her to just admit that asthma wasn't the reason she didn't come to Montana, and Heather agrees that it's all fake "funny baloney." Aviva has also apparently lost 15 pounds in two weeks due to some sort of special diet to conquer acid reflux, which is apparently the cause of her moderate to severe asthma.
Kristen tells us that Aviva looks like shit, and Heather reminds us that everyone thinks she's toxic and they aren't ready to forgive and forget. Carole straight up tells Aviva that she's the MOST horrible person to everybody there, and that no one believes that she tells the truth about anything, asthma included.
It seemed dramatic enough when Aviva pulled out a chest X-ray and threw it across the table, didn't it? But she was just warming up her pitching arm! She goes on this whole weird tirade about guessing that her doctors lied to her so much that they forged this X-ray and made her take medicine. I guess this is sarcasm? As usual, Sonja has the best response to the situation, saying, "I think that's an X-ray for a boob job."
And I mean, the scene here at this table is just pure madness ALREADY, with Lu leaving the table as per Chapter 7 of Class with the Countess, and Aviva bringing up the thing with Carole and the ghostwriter again and then tossing her medical records at the other women, and Heather screaming that she would like to go home and this is not worth her time.
And so what could elevate this moment to a place above and beyond Teresa Guidice's legendary "prostitution whore" table flip? What could make a rudimentary wig snatch seem like amateur hour? Yeah, you know what. And there really is something about seeing Aviva's prosthetic leg slammed onto the table that makes me and that one Team Sonja lady go, "OH SHIT!" every time.
The reaction shots to the whole thing are amazing, and best of all is that Countess LuAnn just cannot stop cracking up. In an interview she actually has to dab tears from her eyes when saying, "They say this is the last straw? I mean this is the last leg." She's right, because this is some funny shit.
But really, you do have to give Aviva credit for committing and having a straight face while saying, "Now I'll crawl home. That's what you want for me, right?" Is it wrong if that IS what I want for her? And for it to be on camera? Quoth Kristen: "What's wrong with her? What's WRONG with her? There's no words to describe what these women have put me through."
Quoth Carole: "Somebody pick that up. Aviva, you need help. This is not OK."
Quoth Ramona [to waiter]: "Can I have two pinot grigios?"
Quoth Heather: "It's not a party until someone loses a leg." And finally, in the words of Carole Radziwill, "That was the weirdest party I've ever been to." Bravo, Bravo. Seriously, never change.
Next week: HOW is the reunion going to top this? Is it possible that Aviva will rip off a non-prosthetic limb?
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