It's a Christmas Nightmare on Real Housewives of Orange County

Not that Heather and Tamra's blowout wasn't exciting, but could anything in this episode match the revelation that Terry DuBrow's brother was the lead singer of Quiet Riot? Maybe that's why he's so comfortable cumming on and feeling the noize of ladies bickering!

It's Christmas in Orange County, which means it's time to resurface grievances past. And what better setting than Shannon's house? She LOVES Christmas after all, and is BRINGING it with the excitement and tchotchkes! The party will be catered, which means that we are deprived of the excitement of Shannon emasculating husband David while she microwaves potatoes. Sad face.

Meanwhile, Tamra and Ryan go to the doctor. Tamra's testosterone treatment is apparently going just fine, and she says that she's not growing hair or a penis. I have to say, though…she DOES look a little butch in this episode, right?

It's a Christmas Nightmare on Real Housewives of Orange County

Maybe use that testosterone cream every other day from now on. There's bad news for Ryan, whose back-alley HGH use has apparently put him at high risk for a coronary event at only 28 years old. The doctor reveals all of Ryan's health issues like this is The Biggest Loser, and Tamra is gravely worried. In any interview she cries and, with ironically frozen Botox face, says, "I just want to shake him and go, what are you doing? Stop! You are fine the way you are. You don't need to inject your body with stuff to make yourself look better. Just be happy with who you are." Tamra, girl, learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all, and you should start listening to Eddie when he tells you the exact same thing.

It's a Christmas Nightmare on Real Housewives of Orange County

Heather puts in an appearance on Good Day LA to promote her guest stint on Hawaii Five-O, and makes like it's some huge publicity tour. She was on one episode, right? In any case, she's guest hosted Good Day LA before, and is now asked to guest host some more. This could be because of her sparkling personality, OR because she's oddly flirtatious with regular host Steve. Heather calls Steve her "other husband," and says he has a good deal "because you don't have to pay for me." Someone is having sex with that guy for FREE? Madness.

While Shannon finds holiday joy by berating David when he can't light the heating lamps, and then further berating him when she finds him gulping on a large glass of tequila (and really, who can blame him?), Heather and Terry prepare to set their DVR for Hawaii Five-O. Though satisfied by her congratulatory tweets, Heather is still troubled by the feeling that Vicki and Tamra have pulled away from her since befriending Shannon. She hopes that since she and Shannon have reached a peace accord, things will be better. Has she ever SEEN this show? Maybe they should forget Hawaii Five-O and set the DVR for Real Housewives of Orange County.

And then we're at the party! There is a LOT of talk about Tamra's jumpsuit, which seems relatively demure to me but is apparently actually quite slutty. Quoth Shannon, "I have to tell you, I would have no idea where to buy a jumpsuit like that. I've never seen one in any store I've shopped in." And, I mean, Shannon TOTALLY shops at Talbots, right? No one can beat Lizzie showing up looking like a stripper-angel ready to top the Christmas tree, though. Vicki arrives and recounts tales of Oklahoma's obsession with lamb testicles, and everything seems suitably merry.

It's a Christmas Nightmare on Real Housewives of Orange County

But don't be fooled by this apparently holiday cheer, for drama lurks! Heather and Terry sit down with Tamra and Eddie to deliver apparently good news. With her new gig on Good Day LA, Heather would like to do a segment on Cut Fitness. That's great, right? Eddie sure seems to think so. But Tamra is hung up on how, five months ago, Heather guest hosted and featured another fitness studio, where she actually works out. Heather apparently warned her about it in advance, and says that she had no say in booking the show. But Tamra heard different, and also apparently got a text from Terry saying that he advised Heather against doing the segment. And seriously, WHEN will Real Househusbands learn that texting Housewives other than the one you're married to will only cause grief?

Terry tries to mediate the situation, saying that Heather is making up for it all now, by trying to book Cut Fitness on the show. Eddie, who actually may have a mind for business, agrees and hopes they can move on. And seriously…be as mad as you want, but first book the date for the appearance! Tamra remains hurt, despite Heather's insistence that she's nothing but pure and supportive. Heather's "no good deed goes unpunished" face looks something like this:

It's a Christmas Nightmare on Real Housewives of Orange County

And then, in the shadow of a candy carving station, Vicki terrifies two strangers by, after learning they're not a couple, asking, "Are you doing Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?" Upon learning that the male half of the twosome is gay she then busts out with, "Oh, you don't look gay!" A beacon for cultural sensitivity, is Vicki Gunvalson! Perhaps this is because she's feeling sensitive herself. She's still rattled by Briana's pending move, and tells Heather that she cries every night. She thinks that moving far from family was the death knell for her marriage to Don, perhaps not realizing the full power of her own batshit craziness.

While Heather is attempting to move on by giving Vicki unwanted (and unappreciated) advice, Tamra recounts the Good Day LA scandal to Shannon, Lizzie, and Lizzie's random friend who always seems to be around. While Lizzie thinks it's great that Heather wants to book Tamra for the show now, Shannon busts out with, "It's fucking bullshit." Well, I'm glad she's not letting her personal distaste for Heather influence her opinion on this matter.

Lizzie then asks if Heather puts Tamra in a state of feeling that "I'm up here and you're down here." And here we must all take a moment of silence to recognize the legacy of one Miss Kelly Killoren Bensimon. Seriously, it's the "I didn't come here to make friends" of the entire Housewives franchise. Tamra stokes the Shannon/Heather fires by stating that, after Shannon was such an excellent friend when Tamra almost broke her face bull-riding, Heather was aghast at their increasing closeness and told her to pick a side. Shannon wonders if her new pact with Heather to address issues as they arise means that she should create a dramatic scene at this very party. Girl, I know this is your first season, but you've been on the show long enough to know the answer to that one.

It's a Christmas Nightmare on Real Housewives of Orange County

Heather enters just then, and when everyone with actual issues remains mum, Lizzie brings it up and tells them to talk. Tamra and Shannon wonder why Lizzie can't keep her freaking maw closed, and the answer is…I mean, what else is Lizzie doing? Girl needs a storyline other than her giant lips and boobs. Heather thinks that Tamra airing this issue in front of others is an attempt to punish her, and then Shannon gets on Heather for being so condescending, adding an "honest to fricken' God" for emphasis. In an interview, Heather says, "If you think I'm talking down to you, I probably am, because you're acting like a moron." She's making it easier to pick a side, there, isn't she?

Speaking of, Shannon brings up picking-a-side-gate, and Heather does not exactly issue a denial, leading me to believe that she probably did say it. Heather goes on about feeling ambushed, and notes that she's not going to be yelled at by grown women in a home. Then WHAT is she DOING on this SHOW? That's like the entire job description. For her part, Vicki stays out of it and remains reasonable, which really throws me off. Her opinion on the matter is that Tamra needs to shut the eff up and be grateful for the opportunity that Heather is providing, and I must say that I agree entirely. Just do the show, you dummy!

After dropping the very exciting Quiet Riot reveal, Terry joins the conversation. He acknowledges that he DID tell Heather to back out of the Good Day LA gig, sort of generally affirms that she had nothing to do with booking the other fitness studio, then licks his chops like a nervous cat. Heather and Tamra are both really mad, and Vicki busts in with, "I don't see anybody in this room buying insurance from me, so I'm gonna get offended." She IS occasionally randomly delightful, right?

Heather then takes a call, allegedly from a sick kid. Vicki tells us that the next time Heather answers a fake phone call, she'd better make sure that the screen lights up, because nobody was on the line. And I did some slow-mo investigation and the evidence below proves that the phone did, in fact, light up. I'm not saying that the call was legit, but at least Heather was smart enough to unlock the screen.

It's a Christmas Nightmare on Real Housewives of Orange County

As the Dubrows prepare to leave and the ladies bicker, David asks, "Are they ever gonna finish this fucking drama?" Eddie replies, "Every five minutes." Being a Househusband is hard, you guys. (But still: put the texting fingers down and just chill.) On her way out, Heather tells Tamra that she loves her but doesn't LIKE her and adds, "You should know better." Tamra is perturbed afresh.

It's a Christmas Nightmare on Real Housewives of Orange County

Though Shannon is proud of Tamra for sticking up for herself, Vicki says that the appearance on Good Day LA would be a gift, and you don't complain about gifts. Which, yes, although I actually can't imagine Vicki Gunvalson NOT complaining about a gift.

Next time: Lizzie's mom cuts her finger, while Shannon cries about her marriage…and maybe her divorce!

[Images via Bravo]

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