You gotta hand it to Andy Cohen: In between promotional Real Housewives questions and screwing his fingers into his cheeks to make dimples, the guy extracts information out of celebrities that no other interviewer does. Case in point: During a rapid-fire "Plead the Fifth" segment on last night's Watch What Happens Live, he got Gwyneth Paltrow to admit that the "hardest" drug she's ever taken is ecstasy.
It sounds like a big revelation from an uptight celeb who carries herself like the only air fit for her nostrils is artisanal. Gwynny has been particularly loose-lipped this week, too. But what does it actually mean when the "hardest" drug you've taken is ecstasy? How telling is that regarding one's drug history? What else can we glean from this information? Where are the receipts hidden? Let's investigate:
Any normal person person on drugs would say that ecstasy is harder than marijuana, so it is fair to assume that Gwyneth has partaken in the devil's weed. Though to be fair, I've ingested pot that put me on a 12-hour trip, like acid without the hallucinations. That was was stronger than any ecstasy I've experienced.
Is cocaine strong? No way. It's so not strong. It's so not a big deal. It's actually amazing how not a big deal it is. It's a big deal, even, that it's, like, no big deal. You do it and you're fine, you're fine, you feel great, and you're fine and you're normal and you're just hanging out talking, and maybe it loosens you up in various ways in various situations including the one that you're in right there just talking, but you're still you, always you, just, like, a more enhanced version of you. You look great, and I know I do, too. Right? Yeah, we're great. We feel great and we're just gonna finish this bag and then never do coke again, because it's like so not a big deal that it's like why are we even bothering with this in the first place, but then if we weren't doing this what would we be doing? How's my hair?
(Gwyneth Paltrow has probably done cocaine.)
LSD is very strong and it lasts what feels like an eternity. Wanting to get off the ride and not being able to for hours is a tremendously awful, strong feeling. If ecstasy is the hardest drug you've ever done, you have not done LSD, unless you had a stale, wack batch.
Shrooms can be strong, but they're organic or whatever, so probably not as "strong" as chemicals to the delicate, whole-food-munching sensibilities of Madame Goop. Gwyneth Paltrow has probably done shrooms.
Gwyneth Paltrow has definitely done salvia. Again: natural.
How insane is it that people take tranquilizer as a party drug, and that for some people it actually works? Brain chemistry is wild. For the hangover alone, which can mean days of feeling depressed and pissy, K qualifies as stronger than ecstasy. Gwyneth Paltrow probably has not done K.
Now we're getting crazy. This is basically the hardest drug of all for what it does to your face alone. Methface doesn't fly in Hollywood. It's basically the polar opposite of Botox and Restylane. Gwyneth Paltrow has never done and will never do meth.
Track marks do not pair well with gowns, and nodding off whenever the fuck is not a good look. Gwyneth Paltrow has never done heroin.
Gwyneth Paltrow makes too much money to ever smoke crack.
As Gwyneth is not a Scientologist, I assume she has at some point taken prescription meds, and probably strong ones. She probably doesn't even need to ask to get a prescription for whatever she wants. And then it's a slippery slope from popping a Vicodin to crying, "Sparkle, Gwynny, sparkle!" to yourself in a dark alley, all because you thought pills didn't count as drugs, let alone strong drugs, because they're legal. Gwyneth Paltrow is in my thoughts and prayers.