Through the years we've all seen Lisa Vanderpump's Pomeranian, Giggy, wear a variety of elaborate ensembles, some with Elizabethan collars. This is necessitated in part by Giggy's alopecia, but last night we learned the shocking truth that Giggy is, in fact, a never nude.
This revelation came as Lisa and Ken shopped with Giggy at Fifi and Romeo, a store apparently dedicated to doggie couture and gaudy knick-knacks. In addition to Giggy needing an outfit for an upcoming event involving children with alopecia, Lisa tells pink-haired store owner Yana, "Plus he needs light, thin pajamas because he won't sleep naked." And if a bite-sized Pomeranian with patches of hair loss can't uncover himself in the cool comfort of a truly exceptional Beverly Hills mansion, when WILL he enjoy being in the buff?
The answer, apparently, is never. Lisa continues: "I wish he would actually wear no clothes, sometimes, but he just gets very unhappy with that." Given especially that Lisa considers the purple, ruffled horrorshow above to be "light thin pajamas," let us hope that intensive therapy can help Giggy can work through his condition, and that one day he may skinnydip in the Vanderpump-Todd pool with Rumpy Pumpy. Or maybe skinnydip in a teacup, at least? He's just so small!
Side note: We learned that Ken usually does all the shopping for Giggy, which is EXACTLY how I have always pictured Ken spending his time! That and doddering around aimlessly yet pleasantly while occasionally grunting.
All other happenings in this episode paled in comparison to Giggy's shopping excursion, to be honest. Kyle and family packed up for Mallorca, and when Kyle told Portia that she's not allowed to wear makeup (that she had already applied), Portia busted out with, "MOMS THESE DAYS!" And I'm sorry, but someone totally fed her that line, right? "Shut your butthole" is something that I can see a pint-sized terror coming up with organically, but, "…Moms these days!" sounds like the work of a second-generation stage mother.
Meanwhile, sitting as I am now in the cold gray doldrums of New England, the Richards-Umansky yacht in Mallorca looks pretty exceptional. The family is joined by Yolanda, who is coming fresh from ANOTHER yacht in Turkey, where this happened:
!!!!!!!!!! Yolanda was apparently on a romantic vacation with husband David Foster, who I'm guessing sadly is NOT a never nude. Can you IMAGINE being alone on a boat with David Foster for a week? The Celine Dion stories ALONE would cause you to jump overboard! Yo and Kyle have some bonding time while "getting out and seeing the people" in Spain, and Yolanda carries this bag:
It might as well read, "Rob me!" We also learn that Yolanda's mom isn't doing so well, which makes me wonder why she's on a boat in Mallorca with Kyle instead of back home in Holland. Yolanda's dad died in a car accident when she was only seven, which becomes especially pertinent later in the episode as Yolanda gets word from home that her daughter Bella got a DUI. Bella, of course, was left home alone as Yo and David yachted off, and Yo's housekeeper was apparently right to be nervous about it in a previous episode. Yolanda feels helpless and is disappointed by Bella's choice, and is ALSO probably disappointed that she's stuck trying to convince the ever-dramatic Kyle to jump off of a yacht in the middle of the Mediterranean when she could be home encouraging her wayward daughter to Master Cleanse.
We also learn a bit more about Eileen Davidson in this episode. She's married to Vince Van Patten, an erstwhile teen idol and tennis pro who now is the co-host of the World Poker Tour. Vince is Eileen's third husband, and they have three boys between them. They do normal stuff like bicker and install Slip 'N Slides and make hot dogs over a fire that may contain poisonous flowers. Jacob sent me this and other clips of Eileen Davidson's storied soap opera history, and now I have no choice but to FUCKING LOVE HER. So let's hope she really gets thrown in the mix with the other ladies soon.
In other exciting news, there's an all-Lisa summit, with Lisas Vanderpump and Rinna having lunch. They LOVE each other. Lisa Rinna sees in Lisa VP a fellow hustler, and Lisa VP thinks that Lisa Rinna is delightful and supportive and isn't looking for problems unlike some OTHER friends who shall not be named. Lisa VP tells Lisa Rinna that she wouldn't want to taint anyone's opinion on some of these other friends, which is lies. But Lisa Rinna is resolute that she always goes off of her own personal experience, and until someone succeeds in stabbing her in the back—and what a forgiving nature she must have if she's even OK with someone TRYING to stab her in the back! Like the Gandhi of Beverly Hills!—she'll view them favorably.
Lisa VP invites Lisa Rinna to accompany her to Palm Springs, where she's getting a star on the Walk of Stars. This apparently has something to do with her support of the LGBT community, though I'm not exactly sure how. Lisa and Lisa also go shopping in preparation for the trip, and Lisa Rinna thinks that the two of them could get into a lot of trouble together, by which I HOPE she means that the Rinna-Hamlin/Vanderpump-Todd swinging arrangement will finally come to pass.
And then there's Brandi. Do we have to talk about Brandi? OK, fine. The "unfiltered" nature of Brandi's podcast has limited her advertising revenue, and so the CEO of Podcast One suggests making it more family-friendly. And really…that particular yacht has sailed, hasn't it? Anyway, next week she tries filtering herself and I'm sure gross hijinks will ensue. Brandi also gets an unexpected six-figure check from her first book, and so goes out and buys a six-figure car that will impress LeAnn and Eddie when she picks up the kids. Didn't we just learn that he's suing her for overpaid child support? Anyway, ten years from now when the kids ask what happened to their college funds, Brandi will have this video evidence to point back to.
Next time: Yolanda tries not to have a meltdown, and Eileen busts out with, "I raped a priest. Not one of my finest moments."