This season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta has been rather epic, and not just because we got to experience an old lady having to be physically restrained from throwing her shoe at another human being in the middle of a bridal boutique (though, really, mostly because of that. Mama Joyce!!!!). Thank goodness for the three-part reunion—a viscous, tangy hot and sour soup for the soul to help us relive and process our many feelings about the whole thing. Over the course of the three and a half glorious reunion hours, I found the following happenings to be most notable, in no particular order (after the first one, of course).
Porsha: Before we get to the obvious thing, I just want to recognize that her official statement on her giant new boobs was, "I ate yams, and I got my twins." Also, "Smell 'em." So, she probably wasn't in the best frame of mind to begin with, and also I am totally going to start eating more yams just in case. But yes, Porsha grabbed Kenya's scepter and then, in the face of a bullhorn (and if you don't watch the show you must really be wondering what the eff I am talking about), got out of her seat and dragged Kenya to the ground by her hair. If only Kenya's hair hadn't been attached to her head and Porsha had managed a Neely O'Hara style wig snatch, things might have ended so differently! The incident gave Andy Cohen an opportunity to tell us that Bravo does not condone violence (though they certainly will film it, air it, and repeatedly promo the hell out of it), and also showed Nene Leakes at her kindest, physically pressing her hands (HARD) over Porsha's mouth so she couldn't get out more than the occasional overwrought scream about having embarrassed herself. Anyway, Porsha got sent home, and Kenya and her stupid props lost any goodwill remaining from Velvet's murder at the jaws of another dog. (Side note: this whole incident caused Bravo to institute a no props at reunions rule AND led to one of the most glamorous mug shots in history. Crisis = danger AND opportunity!)
Home Depot's Dick Aisle: According to Kenya, she gets her dick at Home Depot. Is that just a regional thing? Will it be expanding nationwide? Can dick also be found at Lowe's? So many questions!
Nene's Pulmonary Embolisms: We spent like 100 years reliving how Kandi stopped for Chick-fil-A when she was already running three hours late, but thirty seconds on the fact that NENE'S LUNGS COLLAPSED! THAT'S CRAZY! Anyway, she's fine now, though she takes blood thinners and wears compression stockings when she flies (look for her signature "Glam-pression" line of support hose at a Home Depot near you, in the dick aisle).
Casper the Friendly Boyfriend: Thanks be to Shaedra for ensuring, via continuous side comments, that the issue of Kenya's "invisible African prince" boyfriend (I've been calling him the George Glass of Cameroon) was discussed at glorious length. It seems pretty clear that no such human exists, or maybe we're all just underestimating the power of dick-shopping in the Skymall catalog.
Verbiage: For, say, the past decade, I really have not been in the practice of calling women in my social circle "whores" or "dumb hos" or "sneaky, trifling sluts" or "funk boxes." But this three-part reunion has inspired me to start doing so once more! "You're a slut from the '90s" is actually the best compliment I can imagine ever giving someone. I have also come to appreciate the benefit of a low-volume, Phaedra-style "Fix it, Jesus!" to provide unintentional comic relief in the middle of a tense situation.Try it at your next meeting!
Mama Joyce: You know, I really thought this would be the season where the emotional tale of Mama Joyce's mental illness would unfold on camera. And I'm not exactly sure that DIDN'T happen. But since no one has put her in a care facility just yet, I think everyone's general consensus is that SHE'S JUST LIKE THAT! She has her own "I'm very rich, bitch" moment, then talks about how she never went on welfare and also wasn't a stripper (but COULD have been, given her self-reported banging bod), but worked in a pie factory for ten hours a day (which honestly isn't that much longer than a regular work day!!!) to support her family. Kandi apparently had to limit some of Mama Joyce's financial flexibility after she spent all her money on gambling and the Home Shopping Network, but Mama Joyce points out that those are just her INTERESTS, and for some reason I found that of all things to be the most salient point in her extended soliloquy. Mama Joyce still is not a fan of Todd, which I'm sure will be explored further during Kandi's wedding spin-off. That situation sincerely pains me, because in a very deep way I love Kandi and just want her to be happy. Which she may be if she just relents and puts Mama Joyce in a home.
Friendship Contract Dissolved: While not having quite the emotional impact of the Vanderpump/Glanville rift, or even the great and terrible Zarin/Frankel split of yore, the official dissolution of Nene and Cynthia's friendship was still surprising. Cynthia's legitimate emotion about the whole thing, particularly in the face of Nene's cold, Eva-Peron-on-a-balcony countenance, made Andy Cohen and I both very, very sad. (Peter was totally fine with it, though.)
Bridemaid: Through repeated usage, Nene has convinced at least one question-submitting fan that this is an actual word! (And for the record, she still hates Marlo.)
Phaedra and Apollo: He made a big show of putting his arm around her while insulting Kenya and staying mum about charges of bank fraud and identity theft, and we learned that these two are NOT separated but are going through couples counseling. However, it's pretty clear that Phaedra HAAAAAAATES him. Which is totally not unreasonable when you see him throwing out, "All people cheat! Just wear a condom if you do!" on camera in their clip package. Phaedra channels her rage in Kenya's direction, telling her that her future sperm bank babydaddy will most likely be a child molester who needed money for a pizza. As a mortician with psychic powers, Phaedra is going to make a LOT of money.
Gay Functions: Gay Housewives fans — including Andy Cohen!—are not thrilled about Nene repeatedly referring to Kenya's friend Brandon as a queen in a rather derogatory fashion. Typically contrite, she half-apologizes and then asks if she should pull down Andy Cohen's pants and kiss his ass. He totally wishes! Nene then wonders if she should hold a "gay function," and Gregg has a truly innovative idea when he suggests a parade. And if you want proof that the collective gay community is not yet letting bygones be bygones, just take a look at exactly how many shades different Nene's clip-on bun is from her actual hair.
Papa Smurf: Also known as Uncle Ben, Peter's got his peach and is ready to be a full-on season seven housewife. His tagline will likely be, "I'm not a bitch…I just have OPINIONS!" If Apollo ever makes it to Housewife status, I think he'll go with, "…See you in the dick aisle!"
Nene is Very Rich: There is some debate around who is the real queen B of the show, and Kenya goes so far as to say fans are sick of Nene (which, speaking for myself and also I think Kandi, is a little bit true). Nene tells Kenya to look at her check (while ALSO revealing the bombshell that Kenya only made $2.50 for the whole season!). She also, when they're yelling at each other about Nene's stankitude during that crunk charity event that Kenya threw "in her honor," says she'll make a matching $20,000 donation to a charity of Kenya's choice. Unsurprisingly, Kenya is non-committal about forking over that amount of money. Unsurprisingly, Nene looks very self-satisfied in response. Let's just acknowledge that they're both awful and call it a day.
[Image via Bravo TV]
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