In the interests of getting everything figured out once and for all, here is your exhaustive list of all Kyles, ranked in order, as calculated by a system and as according to a method.
25. Kyle Kingsbury, accursed lead of book/film Beastly. The worst because he is played by Alex Pettyfer, who is absolutely the worst. I had a picture of him doing something pretty shitty, but I deleted it. You're welcome. Fuck that guy
24. Kyle E. McSlarrow, Actual Villain. Former Deputy Secretary of the United States Department of Energy, later head of Comcast's lobbying and government-affairs office. Ruining our goddamn country in a purposive, direct way; playing into the Right's worst instincts for the protection of money over humans one career move at a time. (But still not as bad as Alex Pettyfer, who can eat a dick. This is not about that guy, this is about ranking Kyles! Okay but while we're here, up at the top: Some leather jackets don't need saving no matter how Mystic Pizza you're feeling; some dick tattoos don't need to be looked at. Some of us, we respect ourselves.)
23. Kyle Richards, former child actress, current monster and Real Housewife of Beverly Hills. Redefines codependence to metaphysical levels with sister Kim, of whom she is Destroyer, Creator, Perserver and House-Stealer. Past full of darkness, future full of woe. Princess pony five-foot-long hair is stupid, in the same way that Superman bedsheets would be stupid for a 40-year-old. Read to filth by a lunatic, memorably, who has magic powers even:
("I don't give a [fuck] what she thinks about me. She can [fuck] off. I can tell you when she's going to die and what's going to happen to her family. I love that about me.")
22. Kyle Rayner, longtime member of the Green Lantern Corps, aka the policemen of space. Has a stupid-looking mask but is otherwise an okay dude. Not the black one, not the shitty redhead, not the gay one and not the real one, Kyle just gets it done in his second-best sexy, '90s way.
21. Kyle Newman, writer/director of the "Summertime Sadness" video and the 2009 movie Fanboys, where he met his wife, the effortlessly perfect actress/model Jaime King. Would be higher on the list if he would save her from that piece of garbage show she's trapped on.
20. Kyle XY. Adorable, gay, piercing sad Harry Potter eyes, no distracting belly button: He is the complete package.
In fact let's swing around one more time back on...
#19. Kyle Orlando Massey, magician, pictured abover. Also the eponymous star of That's So Raven spinoff Cory in the House, as you are of course well aware.
18. Kyle Lewis, one half of One Life to Live's groundbreaking, compelling gay couple ca. Summer 2009. The only soap opera storyline I have ever watched, thanks to the magic of Youtube and the also magic of: Straight girls fetishizing gay dudes like they don't know what "creepy" even is:
17. Kyle Nunataks: From the Inuit word nunataq, a nunatuk is an exposed, often rocky area within an otherwise covered ice field. The three Kyle Nunataks (66°47′S, 51°20′E) are 5km east of Mt. Hampson in Enderby Land, Antarctica. Named for a member of the British Australian/New Zealand Antarctic Research Expedition (BANZARE) into Antarctica, comprising two voyages between 1929 and 1931.
(Literally could not find a picture of the Kyle Nunataqs. Thought that would make me a hero, made me a zero. Because I could not do it.)
16. Kyle Pratt in Flightplan, who: Is an aircraft engineer, was married to John Benjamin Hickey, and weirds out Peter Sarsgaard, who is impossible to out-weird. The triple-cherry in my opinion. Too bad she is played by Jodie Foster, who I just don't get anymore.
15. Kyle MacDonnell of Austin, TX, known for the films Around the Town (1948), Taxi (1953) and Cavalcade of Stars (1949). TIME's "Miss Television of 1948." [instant weird boner]
14. Kyle Vinovich, Sharon Cherski's boyfriend from My So-Called Life. Benefited sexually from the reflected halo of our collective hormonal hyperstorm surrounding Brad Pitt in the mid-'90s, which is kind of baller.
Did we ever see him? No, much like Cousin Tino or that one part of the Second Amendment, I believe he was only entirely imaginary, for when we needed him for our rights to fight to party. But for me, he was my personal Cousin Tino:
The whole Ricky/Rayanne/Angela thing was very ... conceptual, while over here I just had this insistent hard-on, being like "Quit with the similes and the shoes metaphors, it is possible to be so horny you might cry. No time for effin', jeffin', shoes, or meanings, or anything. Sometimes it's a fucking war. And what nobody tells you is, you deserve to win it."
It was correct. It was incipient and distracting and worked against my interests, but it was correct.
13. Kyle the Zombie from American Horror Story: Coven. Continually molested. Mute. Adorbs. Not a school shooter or a rapist this season, which is two plusses. ("Misandry" also, and always, a plus.) Eventually... something stupid I pretend not to remember because Coven is True Detective: Something we got excited about before we knew for sure, and then felt like cunts.
(...I personally loved the ending of TrueDe the most/only, but whatever. Read a comic book. Coven is so fucking great if you think of it as the TV show of Sandman or New X-Men or the best comic of all time, The Invisibles, whereas True Detective is great if you never read a comic book ever, because that's all it is. Sandra Lee's a real good cook if you've never seen food before. Otherwise it's just cans off somebody else's shelf.)
12. Kyle Meredith Phillips, Jr., famous American Etruscologist and author (with Ann Harnwell Ashmead) of 1976's Estruscology barnstormer Classical Vases: Excluding Attic Black-Figure, Attic Red-Figure and Attic White Ground, now found in the catalog of the Classical Collection at the RISD Museum of Art.
11 (TIE). Kyle Schmid, Canadian character actor with a distinctive chin who was absolutely vital and mesmerizing in the smart gender-bender indie Zerophilia; later excellently played soulful vampires on two shows that are addictive but never discussed, Being Human (US) and the mystifying Blood Ties. (Pictured above. Whoever you didn't recognize but seemed Canadian: That's the guy.)
11 (TIE). Kyle no last name (Taylor Kitsch) in Snakes on a Plane, who does drugs and sex, followed by immediate snake probs.
10. Kyle Reese, John Connor's best friend and fucker of his mother, in the Terminator franchise. Overshadowed in every incarnation by his co-stars despite being a fascinating character, worth developing in his own right.
9. Kyle Butler, Dexter Morgan's alias while insinuating himself into the family of the Trinity Killer, in what's not really disputed as being the show's best season. Interesting relationship with Trinity's son, regulation hottie boombalottie Jonah Mitchell (Brando Eaton, who later played a Kyle himself on American Horror Story).
8. Kyle Bornheimer: Human wonder of the New World. Killer of shows. Possibly an alternate universe's Chris Pratt.
7. Kyle Killen, dreamy TV writer and creator of the brilliant Lone Star, Awake and Mind Games as well as puppet comedy feature The Beaver, which starred its director Jodie ("Kyle Pratt") Foster, opposite Mel Gibson, and thus was clearly about the mental health and how to get it.
6. Kyle Newacheck, producer/writer, main director and secondary character "Karl" on Comedy Central's Workaholics. You get it or you don't.
5. Kyle Secor. Beloved character actor best known as the troubled/complex Detective Tim Bayliss in Homicide: Life on the Street. Also seen in: Everything.
4. Kyle Bradford, gay porn wrestler (Cockpit Club, Forced to Submit: Real Wrestling Submission Style, Give & Submit, Hot Submissions, Mat Brawls 2, The Size of It) whose life was utterly destroyed by Tom Cruise after a French magazine claimed they were fucking, in a gay way (that presumably involved wrestling of some kind, knowing those two).
3. Kyle MacLachlan: American actor, pop culture artifact/punchline, and Kwisatz Haderach.
2. Kyle Maynard, MMA athlete and the first quadruple amputee to ascend Mt. Kilimanjaro without the aid of prosthetics.
1 (TIE). Kyle Mooney, because this is my list and I don't have to justify myself to you, but just in case I do, here is a clip of the precise moment Kyle Mooney stole my heart:
And then it's Kyle Chandler, obviously. I'm not insane.
[ Images via Getty]
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