Tonight and this weekend on TV we've got plenty of recommendations, including Weekend Stream for stuff that is not of this precise era, but if you, like me, are more about the moment, the now, then perhaps this all will be illuminating.

FRIDAY

At 7/6c. there's more Haven on Syfy, and the last of Cartoon Network's week-long spree of all ten episodes of this season of Over the Garden Wall. I don't expect you to actually watch either of those things, but we must document the passage of time if we're ever going to feel anything, is my hypothesis.

AT 8/7c.

  • The Amazing Race hits Palermo, Sicily ("Pretty Fly for a Food Scientist," regrettably, unless they are talking about actual flies, which, you never know),
  • Last Man Standing and Cristela try to explain their not-really-competing versions of America once again on ABC,
  • And TNT helps people achieve their dream situation, in this case, of getting On the Menu of everyone's favorite Factory (for celebrating the birthday of your least favorite coworker): The Cheesecake one.

AT 9/8c.

  • America's Next Top Model worries about one of its less-likely top models, "The Guy Who Parties Too Hard,"
  • H2 looks into the Ancient Alien Mysteries of the Sphinx, which I didn't even know were a thing, and
  • Jerry O'Connell persists in garbaging up your TV screens with TBS's latest prank show Deal with It.
  • Kendra: Remains On Top.
  • There's the usual panoply of Friday TV that apparently somebody watches—Grimmstantine, Hawaii Five-0, Shark Tank—while
  • PBS has a confusingly titled "Arts Fall Festival Special Salute to the Troops in Performance at the White House," which is all your favorite things at the same time, and
  • Showtime's got a special on Lance Armstrong called "Stop at Nothing" and say what you will but I for one still haven't forgiven him for the time he gave Sheryl Crow cancer, and I doubt he'll be talking about that. He will "stop at nothing," except for copping to that one I bet.

At 10/9c. the America's Heroes Channel has a show, as you know, called Ancient Assassins that is a rousting good time, but did you know that tonight's episode is called, simply but redundantly, "The Assassins"? I have my theories about this but I will wait to declare them. Ditto whether CBS's show Blue Bloods has Tom Selleck on it or not, nobody's ever confirmed for me if that's correct. Finally at 11/10c., HBO's Foo Fighter show continues to exist.

SATURDAY

AT 8/7c.

  • We've got Ovation's Artful Detective ("Return of Sherlock Holmes," somehow) and
  • An episode of My Cat From Hell entitled, "When the Fat Lady Sings," which I can only hope is about an enormous cat, that would be great, while
  • CMT goes Inside the Fame of Lady Antebellum, but I'm telling you there's no way they're going to answer the two majorest questions about Lady Antebellum, to wit: Number one, How come sometimes the man singer looks very cute and other times he looks like he's dying or turning into uncooked pastry dough and number two, Why the fuck is your band called that
  • In TV Movie news, Lifetime's got Dead on Campus—sorority rush becomes sexual peer pressure becomes murder and thence to blackmail and meangirling—while on Hallmark, it's apparently already time for
  • Something called The Nine Lives of Christmas, in which Brandon Routh adopts a cat and discovers heterosexuality, which leads us directly to
  • Sister-network LMN's Haunting Of the baby-faced former Desperate Gardener and lifetime Tisch alum Jesse Metcalf, whose show Dallas was recently canceled, meaning he now has, at the least, two problems.

AT 9/8c.

  • It's the 90-minute Season Eight finale of Doctor Who, as Dr. Who finally faces off against Mrs. Huh? and the vexing Professor Counterclockwise,
  • Hell on Wheels is still about trains, or racism, and probably has dynamite in the episode; I've noticed that a lot of Western things involve dynamite and when there are also trains, that likelihood skyrockets, so: probably,
  • The underrated Survivor's Remorse comes to its Season One's end,
  • Los Lobos and Thao & the Get Down Stay Down are on ACL,
  • Syfy's Mutant World is another TV movie that is probably about romance, cat adoptions, and/or Christmas,
  • CMT's Saturday night buffet of swamp-related programming continues with Swamp Pawn,
  • H2's America Unearthed returns to unearth the American secrets of the Alamo, while another third season premiere arrives for
  • ID's Fatal Vows, a show about people who should probably not be getting married.

I feel like you are already making a promise of sufficient weight that you should know yourself and the other person well enough to reasonably believe you are going to keep that promise forever—or else why bother getting married, this isn't Downton Abbey, you can fuck whoever you want, it's the '90s for God's sake—but of course that tends to overshadow simpler and more specific truths such as, at the very least you should know yourself and your prospective mate well enough to know that you are not literally going to murder each other.

Like, just say to yourself these two questions, and answer honestly:

  • Am I likely to brutally murder this person, unexpectedly?
  • Does my affianced seem like the kind of person who would kill a human being without warning?

If you cannot answer both questions with a firm No, I would suggest seriously exploring whether or not you have made the perfect match. You have to believe that brass ring will come around again—that you worthy of more love than a simple, shrugging "so I got killed, so what, I got a Vitamix" into which you are now walking with eyes open.

At 10/9c. it's OWN's Flex & Shanice, a new episode of Pit Bulls & Parolees on Animal Planet, yet more Transporter: The Series on TNT, an episode of Scorned: Love Kills called "I'll Have What She's Having"—which is I guess the experience of being scorned and/or killed—and a new episode of TLC's masterpiece Sex Sent Me to the ER entitled, God love 'em, "Pole Position," before Adult Swim produces at 10:30 an episode of Black Dynamite called variously "'How Honeybee Got Her Groove Back' or 'Sexodus' or 'Night of the Living Dickheads.'"

SUNDAY

At 7/6c. comes Disney XD's original telefilm Pants on Fire, which stars every kid from every other Disney show as usual, and is about a boy whose lies start coming true. A moral lesson may well be imparted.

AT 8/7c.

  • Hallmark's got A Cookie Cutter Christmas, a movie for people who don't think that's an insult (aka, people who watch the Hallmark Channel) and are into a movie about some creepy looking white people who mostly what they care about is cookies, plus Alan Thicke is there,
  • Debi Mazar, the female Udo Kier, and her husband introduce you to a Tuscan Thanksgiving on the Cooking Channel, and no that is not a typo, all of those words are on purpose, because we all know how Tuscany likes to celebrate American Thanksgiving every year, and who doesn't aspire to be a member of Debi Mazar's household if we're being honest, and
  • The Problematic Housewives of Atlanta premieres its seventh season on Bravo.

For full-deck highlights you've got:

  • CBS's Madam Secretary, The Good Wife and CSI nonsense sandwich that airs just whenever,
  • ABC's similarly counterintuitive Once Upon a Time ("The Snow Queen"), Resurrection, Revenge journey, and
  • Fox goes Simpsons, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Family Guy ("Brian the Closer") and Mulaney. Duck duck duck goose.

AT 9/8c.

  • In drama it's Showtime ( Homeland), AMC (Walking Dead) and HBO with the Newsroom's final season premiere, which is called "Boston," which should tell you what we're going to be dealing with this week/this year,
  • Trainwreck programming includes a two-hour seventh fucking season premiere of Finding Bigfoot—this episode titled for some reason "Alaska's God Squatch"—and in basically the same arena America's #1 Squatches Kourtney & Khloé remain blind to why it is that they'll never actually Take the Hamptons, and on TLC it's "Touchdown" for one of the 90-Day Fiancés, which takes us to some weird consent places if you think about it.
  • And in Mom shows, we've got the Holiday Cooking Madness premiere on Food, loveable rake Anthony Bourdain touring such Parts Unknown as the previously undiscovered Jamaica, and Oprah tries to figure out the current whereabouts of George Hamilton, Morgan Fairchild, and Micky Dolenz, which is basically a Leslie Neilsen movie waiting to happen is where they are.

AT 10/9c.

  • The big news is of course the second seasons of HBO comedies The Comeback and Getting On, both of which are genius, before the equally genius John Oliver, but there's also
  • The Affair, which is nearly half over! So sad, but not as sad as a show called
  • Ghost Stalkers, which I pray is about ghosts stalking people and not people who stalk ghosts, but it's on DA so that would actually be more likely in this case, and there are new episodes of
  • House of DVF on E! and the uncomplicated heterosexuality of
  • My Five Wives on TLC, plus a new
  • Lisa Ling on CNN called, and presumably focused on, a "Gay Rodeo," although...

I guess it's not out of bounds to suggest that you could really call anything that and be mostly right, or at least anything on the website page you are currently reading. "ABC's big gay rodeo Revenge," you could say and be right. "The Comeback premiere is sure to be a gay rodeo," you could say and be one hundred percent accurate.

Morning Afteris a big gay television rodeo brought to you by Gawker. What are you watching this weekend? What are we missing out on? Recommendations and discussions down below.