VH1's Dating Naked is a reality dating show where two naked-ass people go on a date with each other. Then they each date two more naked people, and all of them hang out between dates in a resort that's presumably lousy with butt prints. At the end of three days, the two contestants must decide who they want to pursue a relationship with.
We can all appreciate VH1 really "going there" with this premise, and certainly they've nailed the ABC Bachelor in Paradise vibe via mid-range outdoor furniture and talking-head cutaways. Still, nudity changes the game enough that for safety and sanity's sake, a few extra rules need to be imposed. Therefore, I've thoughtfully composed a list of eight things that should get contestants banned from Dating Naked. VH1 producers, you're welcome.
1. Describing someone's genitals on-camera. Ashley lost all sympathy from me as an audience member when she described her impressions of Greg dick first. Please don't give the editors sound-bytes that will follow your fellow contestant through the rest of his life just because you can. Remember, "Just because you see a dick, doesn't mean you have to be a dick" : motto of the Round Table.
2. Breaking plates around naked people.
Ashley is an art therapist, but while breaking plates may calm her unsteady soul out here in real life nothing is less welcome around a genital than an airborne razor-sharp shard of broken glass.
3. Never having seen naked people before. Greg's second date, Angelica, got her first in-person view of a dick courtesy of this show/Greg's dick.
She was so weirded out by being naked that she barfed all the way through their yacht trip and then announced she was leaving. I blame casting for this one.
4. Saying you're not looking for a relationship. The cardinal sin of all dating shows, clothed and unclothed, is saying you're not looking for a serious relationship. Ashley's second date, sexual healer Alika, told her he was looking not so much for a girlfriend as a "helpmate", which I'm pretty sure is a euphemism for "personal assistant."
5. Being a sexual healer. When Alika told Ashley his nine-to-five job is helping female clients get the most out of their g-spots, her face lit up like a Christmas tree on fire.
Making bells ring for a living gives Alika too much of an edge in a competitive dating scenario. What chance do a pair of normal bros have against a surfing shaman who can channel the omnipotent healing energies of the universe via his dick, fingertips and butt hole? Nada.
6. Peeing in the pool. Self-explanatory.
7. Not sitting on a towel. Self-explanatory.
I cannot believe they continued to sit on that couch.
8. Wearing shoes AND socks when you're otherwise nude. Naked bodies? Pretty sexy. Naked bodies with shoes and socks on? Hilarious, awkward, and then weirdly depressing. Flip flops are okay. White sneakers and tall white socks on a naked body is the opposite of sex.
By my metric Ashley would've been banned six times over, but perhaps the last laugh is on me (and basic health and safety concerns) because ultimately Ashley did find love via this process. Ashley and sexual healer Alika, who met in this episode, are going to be getting married on a televised Naked Wedding special in September. All VH1 needs is about two more couples to get together and they'll have bested the number of married couples produced by the Bachelor franchise, a dating show that's been running for approx. 1200 seasons now. If you break records, maybe you can break rules, Dating Naked!
Except for the one about sitting on towels. Please. Observe basic OSHA regulations.
[ Videos via VH1]
Morning After is a new home for television discussion online, brought to you by Gawker. What are you watching tonight? What are we missing out on? Recommendations and discussions down below.