Titling this mini series Labyrinth is like calling a busy post office Disneyland. Like why call out the contrast so hard between what people like and what this isn't? Watching all the castles and miles of linen and fair CGI last night I kept wishing I was watching THE Labyrinth. Like if I could just squint my eyes...

No disrespect to Kate Mosse but you really shot yourself in the foot with that one. Maybe she got sent a few swag bags intended for Kate Moss by accident from Rimmel over the years so she was like "Sharing the same name as a way more popular pop culture phenomenon? It's nothin' but net!" But yo it was, because all night long I was looking at castles and wishing I could see goblins. Watching Draco Malfoy choose to be garroted and missing Hoggle. Looking at grim shots of flaming pyres and wishing a puppet would come tell everyone to "Chilly down with the firecats" instead.

It's just straight up mismanagement of resources, production companies. You got a budget, a castle, and I bet Sebastian Stan would do a Jareth that would make us all question our sexualities, whatsoever they may be. No disrespect to Kate Mosse but she strikes me as a rich Brit who built this long-ass Holy Grail fan fiction around her South of France vacation home anyway, she'll be fine, don't pity her. Pity me, tasked with explaining this the mysticism-drenched moral horse-whipping that was the CW's bait and switch Labyrinth. Quel dommage dudes.

I'd rather just fantasy cast the Labyrinth reboot that SHOULD have been made! I'm thinking Kylie Bunbury as Sara, Jared Leto as Goblin King, BOOM.

Or, GENDER BEND: Avan Jogia as uh, Seth and Lady Gaga as the Goblin Queen.

But far as what went down night two, Viscount Tom Felton tried to be super honorable and have a parlay with the Crusaders thinking they talk out a truce and NOT kidnap and kill him and guess what: instead they kidnapped and killed him. Meanwhile Oriane killed her own dad with some poison bread, stole two Grail books, and proposed to the meanest Crusader.

Alais snuck the last Grail book out of Carcassonne tied to her upper thigh and went and found the Navigator of the Labyrinth, which is the path to either God or the Grail or I don't know. Also like, the Grail pre-existed Jesus, according to Alais? Alais said a lot of things. Basically she and the navigator and a young dude named Sergei went into hiding and just cherished that Grail book and guarded a sacred cave until the Navigator died.

Alice meanwhile met up with John Hurt, who was actually medieval youth Sergei, who had survived for 800 years because he had the grail in his Caracassone vacation home and apparently the Grail allows you to live forever. I thought it was very rude to John Hurt to imply he was literally 800 years old. He looks good! Ageism.

Anyway, everybody including Sebastian Stan and the evil French pharmaceutical pagan and Alice and John Hurt met up in the cave and Alice found out she is the new navigator, meaning now it is her job to protect the Grail. The evil French lady walked up an entrance in the cave and got super old. It was weird.

And then Alice was charged with being the NEW Navigator and protecting all three books of the Holy Grail and she was all "Whatevs the fuck that means, not sure/don't care." She fully left one Grail book on John Hurt's body and took the other two and did God knows what with them, made scrapbooks? We got a very anti-climatic VO speech from Alice about how the Grail was actually just love passed down from generation to generation?

Bitch, we just watched 4 hours of people killing themselves and each other to get those specific three books together and now it's your turn all you're going to do is date Sebastian Stan? I mean nice but also like, did this need to take 4 hours, for you to figure out you wanted to have a boyfriend and NOT die in a cave? Pretty sure that was your perspective at the start of this fiasco.

Truly wish CW could have just taken this same whole budget and location and everything and just remade the REAL Labyrinth, for kicks. Or if they couldn't acquire the rights, write a rip off. Hell, I'll do it for you CW, cheap. Call it A Mazed or whatever.

Because honestly, all the torturous speeches about God and faith and religion and Cathars and the Catholic Crusade and the virtues of dying for your faith and the Grail....and then the overall message was like, people pass down love from generation to generation? Love is the Grail? What? FYI, if you want to tell a story about the multiple struggle of generations to do the right thing with supernatural flourishes, nothing will drown that kitten faster than a historically accurate religious conflict. People get like "Yup that's right all you Catholics killed my Cathartic predecessors" or something and the universality is lost.

Fantasy is amazing because you can talk about huge philosophical ideas—many of the same ones religion touches on—in a "politically context free" zone. If you bring up real world religious questions with a random sampling of people, get ready for a fistfight to break out. But you sit down that same group and have them hash out Star Wars and they will probably walk away from that conversation feeling like they share common ground and mankind is overall one large extended family and let's hug it out already.

And that's what stories are meant to do! Get a mass of humans to care deeply about people and experiences they haven't actually shared. That creates a facility for empathy and love and re orders time and turns the world upside down, Sara, Sara! Do what I say and I will be your slave! Sorry, whoops. GUYS WHO WOULD YOU FANTASY CAST FOR A LABYRINTH REBOOT? And how did y'all like "this" Labyrinth?

[Image via CW ]

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