If you were wandering in the desert, or perhaps on the frozen tundra, Ramona Singer would damn sure guarantee that somewhere on your journey there was a cheese plate, pinot grigio in a proper ice bucket, and cold beer with lime awaiting you. And this is why she has every right to call Kristen a shit-ass hostess!
That Kristen's greatest offense to Ramona has gone from not respecting the integrity of a good blow-dry to her hostessing deficiency is endlessly fascinating to me. Like, sure, maybe you DON'T have borderline personality disorder like everyone else in the franchise. But can you arrange for heat lamps on a chilly patio? If not, you are more than deserving of continuous abuse, obviously.
When Carole notes that Ramona had the same quandary with her last year in St. Barths, Sonja simply says, "YOU don't know how to set up parties or events either." Carole is sarcastically (but probably a little sincerely) heartbroken in turn.
Anyway, Ramona really DOES seem to be a genius at organizing things and provides the ladies with an impressive repast (what Sonja calls a "comfort station") in Beaver Cabin, all while Kristen is sitting on her Antlers bathroom floor crying. In the words of Sonja Tremont Morgan, "Now that's a hostess!"
Kristen is boo-hooing about her argument with Heather, and also the fact that nobody appreciates her trip-planning efforts. Carole goes to see Kristen (and really, how exhausting to be the consistently decent human in this bunch!) and tells her that this group of women can be confusing and overwhelming, which she as a published author with no ghostwriter knows is a serious understatement.
And then there's glamping! Sonja would much prefer to stay in bed. And can we talk about the fact that, while sleeping, she's wearing a cutout bathing suit (from which pops one bosom) and a short skirt? What is even happening?
Sonja instructs Ramona to tell the others she has asthma, and then they crack up, and I am SO GLAD that these two are friends again! Before leaving the Nightmare Lodge, Carole wants to spend a moment taking in the view. Quoth Ramona, "You can't see it, there's too many trees in the way." No one said that to be a good hostess you need to appreciate natural beauty.
Happily for everyone, the glamping site is full of hot ranchers! It also has basically the nicest bathroom I've ever seen, in a tent, no less! Ranch hand Eric totally checks out Sonja, twice.
And though we don't see any evidence, I deem it impossible that Sonja didn't take at least one victory lap on this trip. If she didn't it wasn't for lack of interest or effort, given a) Her continuous, lifelong obsession with getting dick; b) Her statement that, "The butler guys, they are very nice and very, very gorgeous." Butler guys!!!!
So, Kristen obviously couldn't wait to get into it with Heather again, as evidenced by the fact that she's wearing a crazy fur with a neckerchief.
WTF IS THAT? Really, it's amazing (and a bit of a letdown) that Heather didn't just punch her in the face when she saw the outfit. It bears mentioning that Heather has been drunk all day, and even Ramona, who has had a pinot grigio IV drip since the Reagan administration, thinks she might have overindulged.
Kristen's big issue with Heather is that she's bossy. Ramona points out that being bossy isn't a negative, though she might have a vested interest in that opinion. Heather is all, "…SEE?" and Kristen clarifies that her issue with Heather is that she doesn't own her bossiness. Heather's initial reaction is a very appropriate, "Ain't nobody got time for this." But THEN Kristen says that not only does Heather boss Carole around, she bosses around her husband, Jonathan. Heather is legit insulted by this and drops the following: "I don't even know who, what or where you're going, but I suggest you stop really fast."
Carole is in agreement that it's insulting to talk about someone else's marriage, ESPECIALLY when you're married to a tool as giant as Josh Taekman.
At the bottom of it all, of course, Kristen is pouting about the fact that no one appreciates her (legendarily terrible) skills as a trip organizer. She makes a dramatic exit away from the dinner table and Sonja delivers the perfect read as she mutters, "There goes Dynasty." Sonja also thinks the accusation that Heather bosses around her husband is bunk and tells us, "I think Kristen makes a lot of assumptions, and sometimes she just makes up shit to get attention." So far in this episode, we've had Ramona saying that someone else drank too much and Sonja calling someone an attention whore. The younger generation of Housewives is delivering, is all I'm saying.
Ramona decides to go after Kristen, and Carole notes that when Ramona's the diplomat you have a real problem. LuAnn says it's all part of Ramona's self-proclaimed hostessing duties. I think she's just bored. Ramona is perhaps a hair too sympathetic to Kristen, to the point of talking shit about Jonathan's vanilla self and also I think calling him a hunchback. She unwisely compares Mario favorably to Jonathan, and foreshadowing throws a wine glass at her face.
It is then time for the New York Housewives to terrorize a Montana rodeo. Can we just take a minute and talk about the outfits?
Carole is the real standout here, looking like the consumptive cover model from a Harlequin romance set on an 1870's prairie. Where does she get this shit? LuAnn is embracing her Native American heritage with fringe pants, while Ramona goes for the classic "slut from the 90s" look. LuAnn also has an obsession with rocky mountain oysters, which leads Carole to utter the words, "It's not really a testicle. Is it the scrotum, too?"
Sonja is bemused to mix among the peasants and sums up the crowd as such: "They wear Wrangler too. They don't even wear Levi's. It's definitely Wrangler." Say what you will, but that is a fantastically accurate read of the setting. Everyone at the rodeo looks at these women like they're actual aliens who landed via a bedazzled spaceship, which they kind of are. The worst is the guy who mutters, apparently in close range to a microphone, "Get real, girls," as Carole wonders if there's a VIP section. Don't you EVER tell these ladies to get real, Wrangler-wearing sir!
We all then have the highlight of our lives as we watch (Erstwhile) Countess LuAnn de Lesseps use a port-a-potty! I seriously don't understand why RHONY viewership is at an all-time low, because this season is fucking MAGIC. If Bravo cancels or completely recasts it, I will actually die. I mean, Carole bought a bear suit from Ebay and scared the ladies with it! She says it's the best $600 she ever spent, and I say it's the best $600 gift we ever got.
Aside from Ramona—and really, that's just because she's a) bored and b) contrarian—nobody is on Kristen's side about this bossy thing. Carole thinks that Kristen was mean-spirited, and Heather theorizes that Kristen is projecting onto Heather the fact that she lacks control in areas of her life where she'd like to have more of it. You know, like the kind of control that would prevent her from getting up with the baby so her nanny can sleep in. Or the kind of control that keeps her husband from sticking his netherparts into other women, quite possibly.
For their last night on the ranch, Kristen has planned a special dinner. And finally, she seems to understand what it means to be a good hostess! There are lots of hot guys in attendance to amuse Sonja, as well as the tallest man in the world who comes bearing hatchets and a bullseye! Kristen learns an important life lesson, which is that the ability to throw sharp objects is what makes these women happy. Heather of course gets her hatchet right in the bullseye, which is better than getting it right in the middle of Kristen's lip.
After dinner, Heather and Kristen sit on a rock by the river and talk it out. Kristen eventually apologizes, kind of, and then they're back to being friends again. Well, that was anticlimactic! Heather says that Kristen can freak out on her anytime—she just has to apologize the next day. And, I mean, that's not a model of friendship that I would personally enjoy, but whatever floats their chuckwagons, I guess. At the end of the trip everyone cheerses, and LuAnn says this has been the trip of a lifetime. Sonja and Ramona look at each other and nod, which I think is some kind of secret twin language for "just look agreeable so we can finally get the fuck out of here."
Next week: Ramona cracks on LuAnn about using autotune!!! Oh my God!!!!
[Images via Bravo]
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