Why does almost every television show take place on Earth? Earth this, Earth that. Oh we're stuck in a huge dome on Earth. Oh shit, we're the only ones left…on Earth. Uh oh, we're hot teens having complex emotions on Earth. Snoozeville, man.
Can't this country put a fucking TV show on the moon? It's sitting right there. I can see it right now. Up there. All nickly and barren.
So why don't you gremlin Hollywood producers open your rusty, mechanical hearts and let some light in for once? Here are some free ideas, you slimy coke-drips.
Part Real World, part game show, Bounce House takes place in a totally sick pad for chill millennials who love to partay. On the moon. Six bros, six chicas, no clothes, all the alcohol, and this guy Gary who just fucks with the house's gravity settings 24/7. It's wild. So try not to barf a floating rainbow of space food and Smirnoff, certainly bound to gravitate directly into several housemates' orifices. OK I guess there's no game show portion but if you don't die or bruise your brain that's kind of like winning something.
Guided Levitation Meditation With Gwyneth Paltrow
The beautiful wisp born from supreme celestial being Blythe Danner, Gwyneth Paltrow, just crosses her legs and floats there for an entire hour reading you inspirational quotes, juggling skin creams, and having guests like a moon rock, Salman Rushdie, and the ghost of Frida Kahlo. It is pure zen. It is more popular than Oprah.
Dilth and Chirpo are just two easy-going slackers working for the Department of Moon Beautification, cleaning and shining the moon's glistening, diamond-dust surface—oh and dealing some ultra dank moon weed on the side. But Moon Officer Lunard Crapsandals (played by Rick Moranis) is planning to throw a moon wrench in the entire operation. And what happens when Earth Princess guest-star Taylor Swift visits and needs to pick up an ounce for her crew? Will Dilth and Chirpo (Devendra Banhart and MTV's Jesse Camp) be able to deliver? Moon in to find out.
Earth To Kardashians
This is a no-brainer, guys. People will watch these magnificent cathode sirens do anything. And the moon is like, really tight by itself. It's so wonderfully bright and nonjudgmental, sparkling in the sky content knowing it has seen each and every one of us engage in public copulation or commit an unspeakable crime that we, and the moon as well, will take to our shallow graves. Thanks, moon. So anyway, you put these two brilliant ides in orbit and ka-ching. Am I to believe that a show this successful, which has been produced for roughly $250 its entire run, aside from Bruce's cryonic preservation charges, can't afford to put Kourtney and Lord Disick on the moon? Not even for one stinking episode? You're all liars, the lot of you.
Into The Dark
A group of scientists stationed on the dark side of the moon are plagued by a mysterious abandoned compound deep into the unknown where a psychotic deserted cosmonaut plays Pink Floyd's godawful The Dark Side of the Moon on a perpetual, maddening loop, drawing the scientists closer to the compound, of course, and nearer to eye-gouging insanity.
Dogs with flippin' space helmets running around on the moon learning about friendship for Christ's sake just make it happen already, you goons.