This week was a big week for the ballers of HBO’s television program Ballers. Do you want to know why?
First, we learned that Gawker.com’s favorite television program B-A-L-L-E-R-S The BALLERS has been renewed for a second season, which we celebrated by balling out a little bit ourselves. How do we ball at Gawker.com? By writing under fifty words and blankly staring at this Instagram photo for a good long while as necessary meditative practice.
Ooooooommmmmmmmmmmmm. Namaste. Oooooommmmmmm.
It is true that this image is a thing of spectacular and mystifying beauty. Before we even begin today’s recap, let’s go ahead and distribute one bonus ball for The Rock’s Instagram account so that our spirits start out on a high note. If you recall, we left our ballers at the tail end of an epic party last week, and our one bonus ball will be the ibuprofen antidote to whatever cotton-mouthed hangover the ballers have in store for us today. This tasty bonus ball will be a reminder of the good times we shared. We can do it. Together.
Rashard Mendenhall spends his days a few miles north of here, at HBO’s West Coast headquarters, working as a staff writer on the show Ballers, which premiered in June. Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson stars as a recently retired pro, forging a second career as a financial adviser to young players. Mendenhall’s literary interests, plus his firsthand knowledge of life in the NFL — the stuff fans don’t see — make him an essential asset for a show that explores the turbulence of even the most successful NFL careers.
One of the writers on the show Ballers is a former NFL running back, which is why the show is so well written. A second bonus ball is awarded and we are really cruising today! All right!!! What could possible bring us down after such great news has been delivered so early on in our recap? The tide is surely going to turn for us in this season—and the balling will be stronger than ever. Nothing can stop us now!
Aw are you fucking kidding me with this shit. ZERO OUT OF TEN BALLS. We’ll come back to this mess of a man later. You disgust me.
Spencer Strasmore is having some trouble locking down a deal with Vernon Littlefield, his biggest client, which is a plot line that has been going on for four episodes but which I am convinced has been happening for the entirety of my life, and he still cannot seem to make things work because Vernon’s best friend Reggie keeps getting in the fucking way. Maybe if Spencer hadn’t thrown him through a DJ booth on the last episode, he’d be more keen on working with him.
However the balls fall, don’t we wish all business meetings were as relaxed and poolside as this one? Nine out of ten balls awarded for the good vibes—sunglasses on the table, babes in the background.
Finally on this episode of Ballers, which I still cannot believe is only the fourth and that there are six more to go until I am put out of my misery, we are beginning to address the reason behind Strasmore compulsively chewing Vicodin like they are crumbs at the bottom of a Costco-size bag of trail mix. He had a few dustups when he played football back in the day, so he goes to see a neurologist based on a recommendation from his girlfriend. Why has it taken him so long to do this? Who knows. He needs to get his head checked for not getting his head checked sooner.
The above screencap is making me laugh, so I give this scene eight out of ten balls.
Strasmore is more afraid of an MRI machine than any adult man should be. Three out of ten balls, you big whiny baby. It’s just an MRI.
Meanwhile in yachtland, Strasmore’s partner “Joe” has taken the boss’s yacht back out for a spin because real-life football star Victor Cruz ended up in his vicinity and Joe wants to see if he can do some bidness with him.
“Why the fuck am I on this show?” - Victor Cruz
“Is this a reality show?” - Victor Cruz
“Who is this moron in front of me?” - Victor Cruz
“I’m happy about this yacht and everything happening behind me, but otherwise everything about what I am doing at this very moment is pointless and I’d like to leave.” - Victor Cruz
Ten out of ten balls awarded for getting a real football player to act on the show Ballers. A major coup for our favorite show! Congrats. You the real ballers today.
Ten out of ten balls to be distributed as The Rock sees fit.
Ricky Jerret is still getting punked left and right, which is no big surprise since he was fucking his teammate’s mother and gets his beard trimmed in Whoville. This time around, his car has been stolen. Ya burnt, Jerret. Welcome to Miami (Bienvenido a Miami). Six out of ten balls, I do love to see you get mad.
The coach of the Dallas Cowboys uses the word “partna” in this scene before hanging up on “Jason,” one of the finance guys trying to make a deal for Vernon Littlefield. This guy is a laugh a minute and, wow, he loves the Dallas Cowboys, as you can see in this image. The only thing worse than loving the Cowboys is saying “partna” and then hanging up on someone. One out of ten balls, a single solitary ball given out of pity for this man, forced to play the coach of the Dallas Cowboys. SUCKS.
AAAHHHHHHH but for some reason, the coach of the Dallas Cowboys changes his mind about the deal (probably because he’s a punkass bitch) and gives Jason mostly what he wants. Jason then drives around in the Miami sun in this beautiful blue Corvette. Normally this would be a guaranteed ten out of ten balls, but Jason is also wearing earbuds to talk on the phone, so he has been demoted to nine out of ten balls for looking like your dad.
“I am bigger than my problems. I am bigger than my problems.” Namaste. Omm. Sure. Seven out of ten balls for relaxing. Even ballers need to relax.
Retired football player Charles Greane (the one who works at a car dealership, if you recall) is driving past his house on the way to cheat on his wife with an attractive woman. He catches his wife taking groceries out of the car in their driveway and still decides to continue driving. Greane is awarded no balls for being a shitbag no-good loser, but Julie Greane gets ten out of ten balls for obvious reasons. We don’t learn in this episode if Greane goes through with the cheating, but for now, he is on the official Ballers Shit List. Ballers keep their promises, business and matrimonial.
If you notice, Victor Cruz is wearing shameful jeans. They are basically shorts with long fronts. We give two out of ten balls to this pitiful display of fashion, patellar injury or no. Victor Cruz, my man. You’re rich.
Here’s the fucked up thing that happened to Ricky Jerret’s car. I can’t wait to see how he gets his teammate back on the next episode of this television show that I sincerely enjoy watching and recapping every single week. Eight out of ten balls. Broom broom.
Ballers episode four balling average: 6.38 plus 2 bonus balls.