[There was a video here]

There’s this guy Kyle on the currently airing third season of TLC’s harrowing 90 Day Fiance who is terrifyingly blasé about his New Orleans house’s cockroach infestation. He chalks it up to the fact that he lives in a “bachelor pad” and seems only concerned about it because it bothers his fiance Noon, who has moved from Thailand to be with him. (She’s in the States on a K-1 or “fiance” visa, which requires her to marry Kyle after 90 days if she’s to stay in the country—hence the show’s name.)

“This house has too many bug. Too much. Dirty,” says Noon correctly.

“They never bothered me before,” says Kyle insanely.

Kyle says Noon wants to put some “feminine touch” in the house he lives in with his roommate, Brian. By that he means “making it less of a pigsty that’s hazardous to the health of those who enter.” Kyle is vile.

I’m all about dudes being dudes and chilling out and not giving a fuck as long as they’re giving a fuck about the things they should be giving a fuck about. There’s some dishes in the sink, OK, whatever man, play your video games, but don’t let them pile so high you can’t use the faucet. Your balls smell a little, it’s cool, but do clean your foreskin. You didn’t mop this week, fine, but check yourself and reevaluate your life when the pitter-patter of roach legs reaches an incessant din.

On top of being nauseatingly ugly, roaches carry diseases. These diseases, according to the World Health Organization, include:

  • diarrhea
  • dysentery
  • cholera
  • leprosy
  • plague
  • typhoid fever
  • viral diseases such as poliomyelitis

“In addition they carry the eggs of parasitic worms and may cause allergic reactions, including dermatitis, itching, swelling of the eyelids and more serious respiratory conditions,” adds the WHO.

It’s one thing if you have roaches and you can’t help it—your landlord is a deadbeat, you don’t have the money to treat them yourself, you have treated them but they won’t go away. Sometimes when life gives you roaches, it’s really hard to make lemonade even though that drink would be really high in protein and could be used toward ending world hunger if mass produced. Kyle would seem to have the disposable income that could be used toward pest control—though Noon is in America to marry him, he hadn’t yet given her a ring when the cameras started following him, so he decided to take her skydiving (inflicting great fear in her heart) to make it a grand occasion. “I’m gonna surprise her with an engagement ring,” he said. Surprise her with an exterminator instead, you dirty douche nozzle.

Anyway, if you share Kyle’s don’t-worry-be-roachy philosophy, I’d love to hear why so I can study your brain and never visit your place of living.