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America's Next Top Model is, improbably, a show that's still on the air in 2014. And if Tyra Banks can't get your attention the old fashioned way—by featuring a model with retinitis pigmentosa—then she'll dredge up a specter from the past and scare the shit out of you.

Yes, Miss J. is back. It actually IS an exciting development, in that Joni Mitchell "don't it always seem to go you don't know what you've got till it's gone" kind of way. And that was some kind of a gone with the wind fabulous twirl, no? Not to mention the excellent introductory poem! If Tyra somehow drags Janice Dickinson from whatever bridge she's chilling under and into a judge's chair, we can all be certain that the apocalypse is impending, and feel content in the fact that it's a pretty great way to go out.

Primary among the models to keep an eye on this season is Chantelle, a knockout who has vitiligo, and who was discovered by Tyra on social media.

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Clearly the most controversial thing about Chantelle's inclusion on the show is that she's actually Canadian! Escandalo!

Other notables include:

  • Adam, who is among the top one percent of partiers in the country
  • Will, a six-foot-six gay Catholic dancer from Texas (and thief of my heart)
  • Ben, who got his eyebrows threaded in Iowa
  • Romeo, a bisexual Wiccan who would prefer to be known as America's Next Top Witch
  • Kari, the one who everyone wants to bang
  • Keith, a former NFL player and Tyson Beckford doppelganger
  • Daniel from Staten Island who is back for a second time and acting like a dick
  • Raelia, the twerking virgin
  • Mirjana, whose pillow lips are mesmerizing
  • and Jamie Rae, who missed her flight, showed up looking like a Barbie, and had a breakdown when Tyra made her scrub off her makeup. In the words of partying expert Adam, "She looks like a very gorgeous porn star and I hope she makes it into the competition."

And finally, we have confirmation of what we've always suspected—that Tyra Banks keeps her youthful appearance by sucking the life force from young models via their prominent fiveheads.

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So which models do you think will vie to be on top in a final runway show featuring some sort of ghost theme? Will Romeo use his Wiccan powers to curse Staten Island Daniel? And is anybody even watching this show anymore? ANYBODY?

[ Video via The CW]

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