The history of Real Househusbands engaging in "women's business" is long and storied. Yet no one has done it with as much verve and vigor as Amber's husband Jim, whose own wife had to tell him to shut the fuck up, to no avail.
Aside from last week's scuffle between Dina and Twin-Teresa, everyone really has been having a lovely time in Florida, what with their excessive tanning and field trips to visit gators.
And so while everyone was glad to learn that Amber is still free of The Cancer, they were less thrilled that Amber and Jim decided to come to Boca. Everybody hates Jim, because Jim is rotten and prone to being, well…a real bitch. The news that they were coming was enough for Rino to decide to stay away, which is probably going to be significant next week when Jim shouts out certain news that he heard third-hand from Victoria Gotti. (And which he tells Amber repeatedly not to say a word about, because his dickishness is deep and multilevular.)
Jim's real issue is with Bobby, his erstwhile best friend and current boyfriend of Nicole, who has also made his way to Boca, somewhat less controversially.
I honestly still don't understand what these two are fighting about, other than the fact that Jim is a dick. But Jim thinks that Bobby has betrayed him in some way, and is prone to shouting out nasty things, particularly relating to Bobby's feelings for Nicole. In this particular instance he starts rather subtly (for him), saying that if you love a woman you man up and do what's right—which I guess is to marry her.
Nicole does make a bad move in kind of eating this up, which prompts Bobby to get up from the couch and storm off. When Nicole follows him upstairs, Bobby asks her if she's fucking kidding, says that if she plays into Jim's bullshit one more time he's leaving, and also calls her stupid. And I have to say, when you have cast men who make Joes Giudice and Gorga seem like winners of some sort of chivalry award by comparison, the situation is getting very, very dire.
Bobby's exit seems to play into what Jim REALLY wanted: basically, to have the opportunity to call someone else a bitch for a change. He calls Bobby a chick, and says it's time for him to man up, while simultaneously alluding to the fact that: 1) Bobby is a deadbeat dad; 2) Bobby has said some nasty shit about Nicole over the past year; 3) Bobby has also said some nasty shit about Nicole's family.
Nicole doesn't believe that Bobby would say anything about her family, and starts to get upset. For her part, Amber claims to have learned her lesson about spreading gossip after her altercation with Nicole, and is upset that Jim is instigating. She stands up and tells him that she's fucking done, and that if he chooses to go there ("there" being blabbing out that Rino allegedly slept with Nicole and Twin-Teresa's mom, which is a thing he does for certain next week) he's on his own.
At this point Twin-Teresa is fed up and gets in on the action. Jim wastes little time in telling her that he'll laugh his balls off when they all find out that Bobby has been fucking some girl in his condo the whole time he's been dating Nicole. For an appropriate reaction to this, let's kick it over to Melissa Gorga, who just points to Jim and says, "This guy is fucked up!"
Watching the reactions of all the bystanders is sort of delightful, since they've been the main attraction for so long and now are seemingly shocked at the vile on-camera behaviors of others. It's very meta, and also makes me feel like some sort of primatologist taking field notes. Joe Gorga in particular remains very calm, though somewhat bemused at how Jim is speaking to other men's wives. But, given that no one is saying shit about his own family, he's staying out of it. He tells us, "I'm not gonna fight Jim, 'cause I only fight men. In a man's world, Jim is considered…a bitch." So Jim clearly needs a better strategy to transfer the bitch mantle to someone else.
For her part, Twin-Teresa is a tough cookie and tells Jim that Rino will smash him (if he ever comes to Boca, which I both hope he does and does not). She ALSO tells Bobby to grow a set of balls and stop hiding in the bathroom, which is fair.
By the end of the episode, Bobby is finally heading back downstairs to confront Jim. Meanwhile Amber tells Jim to shut the fuck up, knowing full well that Jim will NEVER shut the fuck up.
Things are way more peaceful back in Jersey! The Giudices have a lovely dinner with Juicy's side of the family. Teresa loves them all since they never ask any questions. She literally says this! Adding, "That's what family's supposed to do." Juicy's dad cries, probably because he thinks if he'd asked more questions while he had the chance, his pride and joy wouldn't be a felon at risk of deportation.
The reintegration of Jacqueline continues, as Teresa tearfully reads us the same supportive text that Jacqueline shared last week. The real tragedy of this is Teresa reading aloud, which…yeesh. Tre is moved by the text, but reminds us that at one of the reunions Jacqueline accused Juicy of banging some lady on a table. So she's not quite ready to trust her again. In Jacqueline's defense, I think that remark was spurred by the buckets full of Xanax that Bravo keeps on hand at every reunion locale. Though really, are ANY of us ready to sit through another round of, "Can this friendship be saved?" For her part, Jacqueline cries a lot, and then this happens.
ASHLE(Y)(E)!!! She actually says some lovely comforting words, but WTF is she wearing???? And does this mean she's coming back in an on-camera capacity? Are we collectively ready for such a thing?
In other bad news, Rosie and her girlfriend Ellen have parted ways. She's quite sad about it, but has her loving supportive family to boost her spirits, including her adorable mom who tells her not to worry since God will send someone worthy of her, and she'll be happy. Awwww!
At dinner, Rich Wakile also asks Rosie's mom what she thinks about Teresa's fraud plea. In a very sweet old lady way she drops the hard fact that when you do something wrong, you will always pay. Perhaps this is the cosmic truth that led us to the revelation that Kathy and Rich's contractor is one of the Jonas brothers.
Next week: Dina is sorry that Amber is married to a dick, and said dick blurts out the allegation that Rino boned Twin-Teresa's mom.