Alyssa Milano Could Have Caught Fire on The Mistresses Premiere

Alyssa Milano went to an art gallery for a "pop-up show" that had garbage cans that were on fire so she could talk about Lena Dunham and take selfies because of a man. I have no way of knowing if Mistresses is now being written mostly by word-association—Monday's episode, "Rebuild," was credited to Rina Mimoun, who created Privileged and ran Everwood in its final seasons and so deserves our respect, dammit—but it feels like it sometimes, mostly. These ladies, our ladies, who used to be worrying about blackmail and death and sperm, now worry about charming Soleil Moon Frye or catching an Uber at the end of the night.

Who's your favorite mistress on Mistresses? Mine is usually Karen but then sometimes I'm feeling a little like an April and then once, this weekend, I found myself talking like a Joss which was abysmal until I realized I could have been born a Savi. A man cancels on you because of a work-thing so you style your hair in a COMPLETELY different way, and when your friends meet you at the club you immediately ditch all of them for some twentysomethings and your name is suddenly Savi. Although! This is the kind of world I could live in. It's like a snow globe: any tremor covers everything in glitter.

Here's another word for you: mojo. Everyone wants it or flaunts it or denies wanting it. April needs it. She's wearing jeggings! But her gay sidekick/"business partner" is the laziest kind of pencil sketch so let's skip the rest of her screen time except those scenes with her daughter where they start doing art and those scenes with her new love interest, an artist named Daniel. Would you believe me if I told you that I just kind of like how April and Daniel look together, the way that their bodies move when they're about to start kissing? Is that weird?? Unfortunately, their arc is flat enough that we can all already peer off into the distance of 12 more episodes and see its conclusion (unless Daniel turns out to be Paul in a bodysuit and sandalwood/steel drum vocoder). Fortunately, their chemistry holds the storyline's normality aloft. There's a word for that in shows that aren't titled Mistresses: novelty.

More women, more men: Joss pretends to be a successful party planner but isn't, really. Her First Big Gig fizzles, after Soleil Moon Frye sweetly hits it off with her and then sweetly does not hire her. Soleil's advice is to hire a team, which will transmute soon enough into "hire Harry." Joss and Harry haven't had sex yet and probably won't for a while but are going to, we can all be honest. Harry is, bizarrely, literally the dullest/most attractive man I have seen on TV in maybe my entire life and Joss is already so much more together than he is because she has dreams and ambition, but also why not see him shirt-/pantsless, a little bit?

Karen, whose insane moral choices have already caused the death of one person, is being doggedly/happily/harassedly pursued by another doctor when she isn't seeing a therapist of her own. Then she meets Anna. Anna Who Has Issues. Karen has decided to save her. The show implies that this will help save Karen, too, though the weight of that kind of evolution may require less of Yunjin Kim's wit, the particular way that she creases her lines into little up-down trills.

And so Savi survived while Sam is dead. She doesn't want to be a lawyer and she wants to try meditating, but then she gives all that up and sticks with Dom. Remember Phoebe, from Charmed? She and Savi are just alike, I've decided right now. I always liked Prue and Piper more, then, too. And even Paige! Alyssa Milano is a flat circle.

[Image via ABC]

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