Call it Hallowe'en, call it All Hallows', Werewolf Bar Mitzvah or even Sinéadoconnor, as the Celts did, the Autumnal Equinox means just one thing: Rebirth and Renewal. Now is the time that we, like our ancestors, must take a long hard look at our Netflix queues and decide what goes and what stays, to make way for a fresh harvest.


  • Are You Here (Owen Wilson, Zach Galifianakis, Amy Poehler)—Siblings fight over their inheritance, mostly this is in a hilarious way but sometimes it gets just plain heavy. Families.
  • Hellion—What could be more delightful than an overwhelmed young father, Aaron Paul, deciding trainwreck Juliette Lewis is a healthy choice for friendship. They seem perfect for each other, and I mean that in an authentically nasty way.
  • Killing Them Softly (Brad Pitt, Scoot McNairy, Richard Jenkins, James Gandolfini, Ray Liotta, Sam Shepard): Killing people ("them") in ways both soft and hard.
  • Third Person—A romance of sorts between America's Sweetheart Olivia Wilde and America's James Franco, James Franco.
  • Transformers: Age of Extinction—Robots versus men with gravitas (Kelsey Grammer, Stanley Tucci) versus Mark Wahlberg, the new Shia LaBoeuf.
  • Peaky Blinders S1—Old-timey gents scupper and finagle.
  • The Walking Dead S4—David Morrissey or nah? John Bernthal stars, I wish.
  • Comic Book Men S3—An even worse The Big Bang Theory made for people who really need you to know how much they hate The Big Bang Theory.
  • Parks & Recreation S6—Anne and Chris finally fuck right off.


  • Gilmore Girls—Does mo money automatically lead to mo problems? The jury's still out in Stars Hollow Connecticut.
  • Hostages—Literally the worst television show ever made in America.
  • Annie—An old man purchases an obnoxious youngster, as others sing in high-pitched, screeching voices. Later, the little girl tells FDR what's what.
  • Bad Johnson—Cam Gigandet's stupid penis detaches and becomes a person, naturally. Future classic in the vein of Ted.
  • Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle—the Demi Moore one.
  • Chicken Run—Mel Gibson stars as a Holocaust denier/chicken.
  • Domestic Disturbance—Recovering alcoholic John Travolta starts to believe his liar son that Vince Vaughn, Teri Polo's new husband, might be into murdering. He is disturbed! Hence the title.
  • Ernest Saves Christmas—Ernest saves a holiday.
  • Finding Forrester—Busta Rhymes becomes the man now dog.
  • Galaxy Quest—Veronica Mars's dad kidnaps the cast of fictional utopian TV show Star Wars, so they will fight a Star War.
  • Hit! (1973)—Billy Dee Williams and Richard Pryor take a team of mercs to France to get revenge on the drug cartel one of them blames for his daughter's OD.
  • Kramer vs. Kramer—Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep are versus each other.
  • My Father the Hero—Fourteen-year-old Katherine Heigl tells some random dude that she is fucking Gérard Depardieu, in order to impress him. In reality, Gérard Depardieu is her father: An equally impressive fact.
  • Paths of Glory (1957)—Kirk Douglas versus that legendary Gallic cowardice.
  • Please Subscribe: A Documentary About YouTubers—An exposé about what it is like to have a real job.
  • Rescue Dawn (2006)—Christian Bale, Steve Zahn, Jeremy Davies, and Zach Grenier are in The Shit; would like to get out of The Shit.
  • Romeo + Juliet (1996)—The finest film of our or any era, and the only Baz Luhrmann movie that is not excruciating to watch.
  • Shadow of the Vampire—Udo Kier is a vampire acting in a movie about John Malkovich being a vampire acting in a movie about a vampire (Speed 2's Willem Defore) in 1922.
  • Shane—A little boy yells a cowboy's name for over two hours.
  • Shivers (1975)—David Cronenberg's first film about his usual things.
  • Sleepless in Seattle (1993)—Single parents may or may not "have mail."
  • The Wedding Planner (2001)—Jennifer Lopez and Matthew McConaughey find that they are perfect for one another. No one can disagree on that one.
  • Three Fugitives (1989)—Nick Nolte and Martin Short are on the run due to prison recidivism. One of them brings a baby (the third, eponymous, fugitive).
  • Tombstone (1993)—You're a daisy if you do.


  • Reign S1—Mary Queen of Scots feels weird; has an upsettingly hot teen husband; yells at grownups a lot.
  • The Vampire Diaries S5—Nobody cares if Bonnie is alive or dead, as usual; Damon gets a sexy boyfriend who becomes a serial killer and serial liar to gypsies.
  • Carrie—Chloë Moretz, Julianne Moore, and Judy Greer; not that bad.
  • Under the Electric Sky: EDC 2013—The Electric Daisy Carnival. Have you heard of it? Nope.


  • The Originals S1—Klaus has emotional problems for no reason. There is a gay vampire in it. Nathan Parsons is in it. Reverse werewolves are in it. A pregnant vampire-werewolf hybrid is in it. And a tiny witch. Everybody's real grumpy, all the time, even though they are fully magical and they live in New Orleans and they are all bajillionaires.


  • Little Man (2006)—That can't possibly be right. From the trailer it seems like one Wayans brother pretends to be a baby so the other Wayans brother will adopt him and then he can do crimes. I don't believe that, for one second, is a movie. I can believe in reverse werewolves, but not that.


  • Hart of Dixie S3—Jamie King finds herself trapped in a terrible TV show.
  • Raising Hope S4—Devolves into the usual Greg Garcia nonsense, despite its bright early years.
  • Supernatural S9—Straight women fetishizing and giggling about gay sex because they feel powerless in their own lives, take nine.
  • The Following S2—Natalie Zea and Shawn Ashmore star in a scary show that is determinedly and infuriatingly about characters other than them. Also no Nico Tortorella = no point to anything.
  • In a World... (2013)—Lake Bell, Demetri Martin, Rob Corddry, Michaela Watkins, Ken Marino, Fred Melamed, Eva Longoria, Tig Notaro, Nick Offerman, and Geena Davis do their various hilarious things. (Pretty, Smarmy, Grouchy, Spacey, Dreamy, Ubiquitous, Perfect, Wise, Virile and Olympic-levelArchery.)


  • Arrow S2—Colton Haynes looks gross some more.


  • The Tomorrow People S1—Arrow's cousin, or brother, or something, is also super, or something, and somebody is somebody's uncle, or dad. Possibly it is tomorrow.
  • A Long Way Down—A suicidal Pierce Brosnan makes friends with even more depressing people like Toni Collette, Aaron Paul, and Sam Neill; hopefully they can remember not to kill themselves.


  • Chelsea Handler: Uganda Be Kidding Me (2014; Live)—A famous white lady with zero problems in her life Rwanders if you are kidding her.


  • Breathe In (2013)—Guy Pearce pervs on his family's British exchange student, presumably.
  • Heatstroke (2013)—Stephen Dorff is so hot it might give you... heatstroke.
  • Swelter (2014)—A small-town sheriff suddenly realizes that he used to be a criminal. Starring Grant "Cooter" Bowler, JCVD, Dr. Octopus.
  • Why Stop Now (2012)—Jesse Eisenberg and Melissa Leo... Nope. Don't do her. Heck on that. I don't do that.


  • Witching & Bitching (2013)—I mean.


  • Stay—White people (Taylor Schilling, Aidan Quinn) get pregnant, weird.
  • Tim Minchin & The Heritage Orchestra Live (2011)—"Flanked by a full orchestra, Tim Minchin takes the Royal Albert Hall by storm with a wonderfully witty evening of satirical musical comedy." Doesn't that sound horrible? I'm sure this Tim Minchin is a nice man but that sounds like the absolute worst experience.


  • Cowgirls n' Angels (James Cromwell, Jackson Rathbone, Alicia Witt, Kathleen Rose Perkins, Frankie Faison)—Great cast. Girl with rodeo and daddy issues goes looking for peace, finds the d instead.


  • Last Man Standing S3—Nancy Travis and Hector Elizondo find themselves on a Tim Allen sitcom.
  • Liberal Arts (2012)—Director Josh Radnor plays another (autobiographical?) man-child nightmare; is saved by a MPDG. Do not. The title alone should be enough, in a post-Braff world.


  • Wyatt Cenac: Brooklyn—Standup special by a Comedy Person.


  • The 100 S1—Shit constantly and amazingly going down once the barren Earth is repopulated by street toughs.
  • E-Team (2014)—A documentary about human rights investigators.
  • The Hunger Games: Catching Fire—Doc about human rights violations.


  • Sons of Anarchy S6—A methed-up gang of hooligans acts like total trash.
  • The Carrie Diaries S2—Same.
  • Django Unchained—QT finds a way to combine two great passions: No-fault targets for cartoonish brutality and everybody saying the n-word as much as possible. Stick somebody's gross toes in his mouth and ya got the whole burrito.


  • Before I Go to Sleep (2014)—Nicole Kidman has that thing like in 50 First Dates only in this case, one of those dates is with The Eternal Footman. (Thanatos.)
  • Rain Man (1988)—A person with a neurological disorder we still don't really understand must care for his brother, played by Dustin Hoffman.

[h/t Project Casting and Movie Rewind's Everything Netflix, image via Shutterstock]

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