The medium's slightly overlong French-manicured toenails were not even the worst thing about LMN's A Séance With... Lisa Rinna. The worst thing was the depiction of actual loved ones (by SkyMall catalog models) in segments that could easily be cut into Tim & Eric's Awesome Show Great Job without a ripple in the comic sensibility.
But don't you come to me with acrylic French-manicured toenails and tell me you can talk to spirits, because as far as I can tell you're having trouble reading the desires and regrets of the living; never mind the deceased. While I loved the avant-garde hilarity, upon considering these were real deceased loved ones, the dramatic reenactments with the footage blown out and filtered a spooky blue and underscored with banshee whoops suddenly felt weirdly glib.
Sunny Dawn Johnston, tell the passel of editors and producers in charge of this fiasco that we don't need horror movie stings and rapid-fire additive dissolves when revisiting people's loved ones, okay? These are actual people who did not get a chance to sign off/profit from you putting words in their mouth, postmortem.
Moreover if we're going to keep a straight face while watching you hunker down in the yoga studio that passes as a sacred space for Lisa Rinna, lighting massive vanilla pillar candles and squeaking around on foam yoga mats and scrawling in your Book of Shadows with the rounded writing of a middle schooler playing M.A.S.H., at least spare us the jump scares. Creepy ghost fun is not why anyone is at your séance.
Lisa Rinna is at your séance because she wants to find out the truth about her deceased sister, and you are at your séance to helpfully reveal the truth is what she thought it was all along, and we are watching your séance to laugh about how angry Lisa gets that the spirits seem more interested in her two normal friends than her.
Lisa Rinna got genuinely insulted that she wasn't popular with the dearly departed. A true performer, Lisa gets awfully cold when the spotlight slides off her taut frame, as Sing Your Face Off taught us many times over.
She's the real deal, folks.
But Sunny Dawn, insofar as your bullshit show goes: we all basically know how editing works and likewise we know somewhere in Burbank there's 8 hours worth of footage on a cutting room floor of you getting shit wrong and asking leading questions.
We also know there are PRECIOUS FEW facts humans can just intuit. As far as stranger danger goes, yeah, trust your instincts, but have you ever just "felt" that you're full of mitochondria? Have you "sensed" the Pythagorean Theorem? The truth and what you feel, Sunny Dawn, are two very different things.
If you're dealing with someone 100% guided by/paid for their intuition, just know you've gotten off the Fact Train and you're now at Fantasy Station, right at the edge of Bullshit Falls. Don't stay too long.
[Images via LMN]