What's the Gleekwells doing today? Looks like Hambone is explaining to Melissa about how things work. Devices, tablets, casters, what have you: God, Hambone is impressive. And Melissa's so impressed by his prowess! Why, look at her face it's fairly bereft of thought: Touch thing! Melissa seems to be saying. Touch thing and thing then! Very sexy. Very sexy. Or else. Or else.

It's well past midsummer and we're heading into the fall TV season, which means shows'll be ending, starting and returning at a greater and greater speed over the coming weeks. Here's a rundown of today's premieres, as we ramp up toward fall. See you next week, when things are scheduled to get even more intense!


The Knick (Cinemax, 10/9c.)

Tonight sees the premiere of noted film fella Steven Soderbergh's collaboration with noted human gin drink Clive Owen, chronicling the theatrics of the medical operating theaters of the early 20th century. Some critics like it for some reasons, others don't like it for other reasons, though in some cases, for the same reasons. And, here, you know what? You're always going to have to grapple with that critical muckiness around anything worth wading into; heck, it's even good for you. And that's life, you beautiful little creature.

Jonah From Tonga (HBO, 10/9c.)

If cocaine and brusque doctors aren't so much your speed (speed! like an amphetamine!), you've got options: nestled in the same timeslot is newted Zealander Chris Lilley's brownface-opus, featuring his breakout character Jonah Takalua, famous for his catchphrase "Studying is important!" Lilley's disappeared into dozens of characters over his storied career, from snotty schoolgirl Ja'mie King, to the mysterious, deadly Kar-Annok of Unter Lothbak, to Good King Maplebuck 'pon his Highland Throne. My uncle once disappeared into a character and came out four months later, eleven inches tall. Now he's a tiny detective.


Outlander (STARZ, 9/8c.)

If you ask me, there's no better time for a show about men in kilts to air than Saturday night. Is that a slam against nerds? Are we not doing that anymore? Hooey on that, I say. You nerds have your Ronald D. Moore TV adaptation of an eight-book time-travel sci/fi fantasy series and your fucking, uh, 1-UP needlepoint patterns, and you got everyone saying "Well played, sir" like we're all fucking bellhops. I'll pummel nerds with words and clobber 'em with a pair of cocked fists I call "Sodom" (you know where to shove it) and "Gomorrah" (you have no idea where to shove it). So look out, Poindexter.


Shark Week/Shart Week (Discovery/Comedy Central, 8/7c.)

You had it right there in front of you, Comedy Central: Shrek Week.

Hell, anyone could have come out swinging with Shrek Week. UPN could have rocketed back onto the scene with the diamond-studded dynamite that is Shrek Week. You got four Shreks, the musical, Puss In Boots, you run those every day for a week, you give a mil and a half to every network employee from president to janitor, and you kickstart the American economy, right there. You could have saved the middle class but you went with "Shart Week" and it's just a bummer.


Legends (TNT, 9/8c.)

Time will tell if by starring in a taut (taut) psychological espionage thriller, Sean Bean has managed to buy himself the "stay alive pretty much no matter what" card he's so desperately desired. Maybe he gets wanged with a pipe right there in the cold open and, like, Ian Somerhalder holds it down for the rest of the series. Did you know Sean Bean gets so into character that whenever he's going to shoot a death scene, he keeps a psychologist on set to convince him he's still alive? It's severely taxing his sanity!!

Heartbreakers (Investigation Discovery, 10/9c.)

Crime! We all hate it. That's why we do The Purge from time to time. You know what we love, though, are the stars of yesteryear. Investigation Discovery's Heartbreakers has these benevolent demi-gods dramatizing tales of true crime, that they may finally be excised from the cultural unconscious after too long tainting it with criminal rot. We will never Purge stars like Kevin Sorbo, who starred as The Rock on White The Rock: The Legendary Journeys, or Christopher Knight, who starred as Seth MacFarlane on Wait, He's Producing Cosmos? That's Kind Of Weird. Is That Weird? We need them for stuff like this.


Braxton Family Values (WE, 9/8c.)

Over the last three years, we've come to know Toni Braxton's family and their many values: thrift, tact, strong bones, good squat form, frontier justice, moderation in all things (even moderation), ghosts are real and they hate us, punctuality, spirit/pep, birthstones have power, grace, will, John Stewart was the best Green Lantern, three square meals, batteries are magic, and core strength. In this fourth season premiere, they'll finally have to put those to the test when the world reaches peak oil and "family" ain't worth shit compared to clean water and diesel in your tank. Welcome to the road, Braxtons; hope you saved a bullet.

[Image of helpful haircut and delighted simpleton via Shutterstock]

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