Tonight on TV we've got basic-cable charmers (and polar opposites) Kate Gosselin and Mama June, Heidi and Spencer Pratt who are still somehow alive, lots of angels and aliens on Syfy, and Lizzy Caplan brightening the shit up out of the comedy landscape.

At 8/7c. you've got the Critics' Choice Awards (The CW, fourth annual), a hard-hitting exposé on the Zombie Conspiracy (DA), and Top Seven on Hell's Kitchen (Fox). But to be honest, I'll be watching ABC's Celebrity Wife Swap, a show I have never found interesting until tonight's installment featuring Heidi and Spencer Pratt, who are people from before.

At 9/8c., the excellent Defiance season premiere leads into a 90-minute pilot for Syfy's new post-apocalyptic show, Dominion. It's only slightly hokey, and very intense, so if you are into militaristic sci-fi and/or alien sociology and/or the angel/human conflict from that movie Legion with Adrienne Palicki—all of which I can recommend being into, personally—then that's two and a half hours of fun right there. Along the same lines are the season premieres of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (TLC) and Rectify (Sundance), for two more perspectives on basically that same subject matter.

At 10/9c., in the genre of children who are lost and possibly beyond redemption, you have two choices: Beyond Scared Straight returns to A&E, while Kate Plus 8 features a birthday party in hell. But none of that matters whatsoever, because Lizzy Caplan will be on Comedy Bang! Bang! wearing all black and powder blue espadrilles, and doing other stuff besides that one clip that went viral. And let's face it, "Lizzy Caplan doin' stuff" is the cornerstone of all worthwhile entertainment. If Netflix had that category—which who am I kidding, they probably do—it's the only one that would ever get a single click.

What about you? If you are not into aliens and angels we can probably still be friends, but if you are not salivating in wait for the irresistible force of Lizzy Caplan to meet the immovable object we call Skint Lagerfeld, I don't know what you are about and would like to hear more. What are your plans for this evening exactly, and how do you expect them to turn out?

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