Are the people on this show, which chronicles several straight couples dignifying traditional marriage by getting married three months after meeting, the stupidest people in the world? Depends.
Listen, love is a gamble. That's true when you've known the person your whole life, such as with Dawson Leery and Joey Potter, and you develop slowly into a mature passion that hopefully bakes your true friendship into a romance, but could just as easily fall like a soufflé on D-Day.
It is also a gamble if you don't know the person at all, such as Dharma and Greg who were such a wacky mismatched pair that it had to be fate. But one thing that really fucks your odds is being engaged for three months on TLC, and then getting married forever to the same kind of person that would also do this activity.
Danny & Amy: True Love Waits (90 Days Or Less)
Amy's mom's visit has them so DTF that they've moved the wedding up—two days from now! That is some dedication to getting it on in a heterosexual fashion! Luckily, they're distracted from their carnal desires by a visit from Danny's terrified mom and his hideous, racist dad.
Everybody always says girls marry their dads and boys marry their moms—Amy better hope one or the other of these is not true or else she is in for a world of hassle. (They are, and she is.) One thing's for sure: Danny is all about the ladies, and having sex with them. In two days.
Chelsea & Yamir: The 24-Hour Rule Is Actually a Myth
Where are Chelsea and her musically deluded lover? They are missing. Our theory is that he has kidnapped her all the way to Chicago, where he'll grow a mustache and make his music under an assumed name just like in I Know My First Name Is Steven. Somebody will call her "Mavis" (her super sensational runaway name), and she suspiciously won't answer to it immediately, and then it will be Gone Girl all over the place. (Soundtrack by Trent Reznor and the Abductor Formerly Known as Yamir.)
Danielle & Mohamed: Long Train Wreckin'
Since Danielle is a money pit of a person, they are having the cheapest wedding with the ugliest dress you can think of. But she's not done pulling her 90-day lover into the quicksand pit of her sadness: She's now unemployed. The complete package! But like fellow storm-chasers Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton in Twister, no amount of mayhem or flying cows is going to blind Mohamed to Danielle's finer qualities, whatever they are.
Brett & Daya: Bitchy Nest Syndrome
Brett's daughter has fled home, escaping from the vile Daya, but now his best friend is catching on to the fact that she's horrible. What a house of horrors they live in, those lesbian roommates that have to negotiate this already difficult world that now has Daya in it all the time. Props to Cassidy for making it out alive, and props to Brett's support system for letting him learn this shit on his own. Hope he survives.
Justin & Evelin: Wishin' & Elopin'
Justin's mom took Evelin dress shopping even though he isn't inviting her ass to the wedding. I guess you'll do anything to be with the person you barely know that you are marrying. Evelin says she'll work on Justin having some family members at their wedding, since that's what a wedding is, but—as we learned once Evelin was unable to get ahold of her brother, who may well be in Chicago—Justin is not real clear on what a family is or how they work, which is a great sign.
Looking forward to seeing how Jason "comforts" her about their slow disappearance from the larger world. What a happy couple!
Jason & Cassia: Poor Unfortunate Souls
Successful now in remembering to actually get engaged, this couple is on a roll! Takin' their shit from the aquarium to the beach to celebrate their magical, Poseidon- (and clown-) blessed union. As Cassia slowly turns back into the seafoam from which she sprung, Jason's too busy selling things on eBay to notice, so she orders him to cancel his bachelor party in Vegas. She just wants to be part of your world, bro! Walkin' around on those whatevers.
In the end, what we learn is that the show's creepy conceit—half of these people are after green cards and/or the d—is beside the point: If both people are running, headlong, into what they think is safety, then there is really no power dynamic at all. Only the very dumbest kind of love.